Ever look at a video game and say, “This is totally up my alley!”  The concept, the premise, the graphics: whenever it all comes together, you feel like you’ve found something special.  But, naturally, upon discovering something so unimaginably “you,” you develop expectations, and high expectations can be damning.  Retro City Rampage was one of those games that clicked with me when I first caught wind of it, and I’ve been eagerly awaiting its arrival.  Well, it’s finally here, and, let me tell you, having high expectations didn’t do it any favors.

Game: Retro City Rampage

Console: PSN, XBLA, WiiWare (Played on the PS Vita)

Developer: VBlank Entertainment

Publisher: VBlank Entertainment (Everything but XBLA) & D3 Publisher (XBLA)

Release Year: 2012

It’s kind of awkward putting a download-only game in a section called The Game Shelf, but it’s on my Vita, and I put that on my shelf.  So it’s cool, right?  Sure it is!  Anyway, I’m glad I got RCR as a free Playstation Plus membership benefit, but even then I feel it wasn’t a very strong game or good use of my free time.  I blew through the game in only three days, but those are three days I’ll never get back!

But how can I stay mad at you when you have a death screen like that?

All right.  I’m being unfair and getting ahead of myself. Let’s start from the beginning.

And yet you still did it.

Retro City Rampage is an 8-bit game laden with late-eighties and early-nineties video game and pop culture references that was almost exclusively developed by Brian Provinciano, a Canadian developer, back in 2002.  RCR started life as an 8-bit recreation of Grand Theft Auto 3 and later developed into its own game.  And here we finally are ten years later with the final product that started when I was a Sophomore in High School and ended a year after I got my Master’s.  Man, how time flies!  I only mention its long development time because I find it detrimental to the game.  But more on that later.

I LOL’d at each of these stores’ names.

As I stated earlier, it took me three days to complete this game.  That’s about 8 hours.  Length’s not a big deal to me, especially when the game was free, but everything is still fresh in my mind and I still don’t know what the hell was going on in the game!  The gaming and pop culture references we very distracting, they hardly ever added to the plot, and the plot was ass!  I don’t even know what my character’s motivation was!  Not that that’s typically a big selling point to me for a video game, but it kinda is when the game’s text heavy, which this one is.

Any time there’s an homage to Engrish, an angel gets its wings.

I don’t want to spoil anything, but I’ll do it anyway because I’m just so confused and frustrated.  Here’s the game’s plot in bullet-point form:

• Player (That’s the protagonist’s name!  How clever!) answers a Help Wanted poster for an aspiring henchmen and, wanting very desperately to hench, starts working for The Jester.
• Three years pass, as on-screen text against a pitch black background abruptly points out, and you knock over a bank with the Jester, Dark Knight-style.
• In a fit of over-zealousness, The Jester explodes the loot, and Player has to rob a convenience store.
• Upon reaching the convenience store, “Bill” and “Ted” show up in their phone booth.
• Player hijacks the booth for some reason and shoots to the future.
• “Doc Brown” and his “DeLorean” conveniently and immediately meet Player upon landing.  He calls Player the chosen hero (because video games) and says he’ll send Player back to his time if Player helps him fix the “DeLorean.”
• Player does a bunch of crap and collects a bunch of stuff.  Also, Billy Campbell is there.
• Player time travels.
• The next scene has Player sleeping a la Super Mario Bros. 2‘s ending.  He wakes up thinking it’s a dream only to look outside and see he’s surrounded by the cops and the army.  The end.

There’s three major problems I have with this outline:

1. The entire plot and its ending
2. 66% of that outline is done in the first ten minutes of the game
3. All the crap you do and stuff you collect.  I’m cool with Billy Campbell, though.

Hi, kids!  I’m in that movie you’ve never seen!

The ending’s easy to explain: It sucked!  But it only sucked because the plot was so lame.  Seriously, I have no idea what Player was doing.  I guess he was trying to get back to his own time, though he never expressed he really wanted to go back or if he was even concerned with whatever time he was currently in.  All he seemed to want to do was whatever job somebody gave him.  The plot and the missions felt pretty hallow, and that’s why all the “doing crap and collecting stuff” just didn’t click with me.  It was pretty obvious that the developer was just creating set pieces for the next reference, and that never works for me.

Look! Two references and a thing collected after doing stuff!  Well met!

Parody is a funny thing (again with the unintentional wordplay found in editing!).  It either works or it doesn’t; there’s hardly ever any middle ground.  Princess Bride and Spaceballs hit the mark by taking things we know and lampooning them while adding their own original content.  South Park nails it by adding social commentary.  However, Family Guy and ANYTHING from the Wayans Bros. always fall flat because their parodies mostly go for shock value or scream, “Look!  It’s a thing you know!  Laugh!”  Or they just straight rip shit off.

Damn it, Wayans Bros.!  That’s the same damn joke!

I’m sad to say that, even though Provinciano does add his on flavor, RCR falls into the “Wayans Bros.” category of parody: it just does it to do it, hoping for some chuckles.  But at least the references are abundant!  Not that that’s a good thing.  Seriously, the first five minutes of the game were just one reference after the other: Mega Man, Duck Hunt, Duck Tales, Dark Knight, Frogger, Sonic the Hedgehog, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Magnum P.I., the A-Team, Contra, Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, and, of course, Grand Theft Auto.  And the references just keep coming throughout the game.  It wouldn’t be so bad if maybe Provinciano added some social commentary into the mix.

But he does!  Sort of.  He kind of ham-handedly stabs at Jack Thompson (who’s long been irrelevant for some time now) and the thought of video games corrupting people:

I have an unstoppable urge to suck because of this Suck Simulator.

Provinciano also mocks the current publishing climate in the gaming industry as it relates to indie developers:

Understand what?  How the satire works?

These commentaries would have been great had they had any bearing on the plot.  Instead, they’re just thrown in amongst the set pieces and references, never explored or extrapolated on.   It’s a shame because I bet Provinciano could have made a pretty entertaining and meaningful game around these messages.

My last gripe is that the game is dated, but not for the obvious reasons.

But Maniac Mansion references are timeless.

I feel RCR‘s long development time made its humor irrelevant.  All these references and recreations would have been hilarious years ago before everybody and their fat, ugly mamas became steeped in retro-gaming culture.  None of the stuff in this game is new; people have been parodying 8-bit games for awhile now.  Not only that, but people have actually been creating brand new 8-bit games for the NES.  Nostalgia about video games in the eighties has pretty much been tapped.  If only this game was released a few years earlier it’d have had a bigger impact.

What kind of deranged lunatic would recreate the Dam Level!?

In the end, the game was actually pretty fun, and anticipating the next gaming or nostalgic pop culture reference kept me going and never disappointed.  However, ironically, RCR’s focus on nostalgia, one of its primary strengths, ultimately made it feel unfocused and weak.  When it comes to gameplay, RCR hit it out the park.  The game controls very well and feels like a GTA game with its mission layout, vehicle abduction, and police escalation meter.  The overall experience was enjoyable, though the missions did start to wear thin and the game started becoming derivative.  The music was a definite high point with some tunes that I’d actually like to listen to outside of the game.  I recommend this game to all Playstation Plus members, GTA enthusiasts, and anyone else who just has to see all the references.  Because there are a ton.

Thanks for your playing!  I now leave you with a picture of me after hijacking the Turtle Van:

I stopped traffic so everyone could see how awesome I was.

I had recently looked at Retro City Rampage and gave it some criticism that many didn’t appreciate.  Not that my take on the game wasn’t valid or even original; I read many reviews that also viewed the referencing and nostalgia pandering as either passé or gratuitous.  What most people had to say in the game’s defense fell into two categories: 1.) “You should just relax and enjoy the game for what it is,” and 2.) “It’s an homage to our childhood.  Just take it in.”  To the former camp, I say: “Nope!  I’ll like and hate whatever I want, thank you very much!”

Yeah, that was a Phineas and Ferb reference.  Suck on it!

I don’t want to rehash what I said in my last post, so it’s suffice to say that the “Parody without Satire” aspect of the game really irked me and ultimately came across as cheap and lazy storytelling.  If that doesn’t bother you, then great. Please enjoy RCR, Family Guy, the Wayans Bros., and studying for your 7th Grade Algebra exam.  Because you are a Middle Schooler and probably wouldn’t have caught that I’d just insulted you.  Because you like all the aforementioned dumb things.  Because that’s what Middle Schoolers like.  Because Middle Schoolers are dumb.  And you’re one.

And by “one” I mean a Middle Schooler.

I’m sorry.  Did I insult your intelligence?  You probably didn’t like that (unless you’re really a Middle schooler; in which case, why the hell are you reading this when there’s so much porn to be had!?  Ah, if only I had the internet when I was in Middle School…).  Well, that’s how cheap and lazy storytelling makes me feel.  So, of course I couldn’t fully enjoy the game when I felt it was catering to the lowest common denominator by using the lowest form of comedy.  And that’s why I couldn’t “enjoy the game for what it was.”  Because I don’t enjoy crap.

As for the “It’s an Homage” camp, you’re not wrong.  That is definitely what it is, and Provinciano does a great job in recreating the graphics, music, somewhat simplistic gameplay, and overall aesthetic of 8-bit games (really, the music is outstanding).  However, my appreciation for RCR pretty much ends there.  Remember, kids: graphics aren’t everything.  And just because a game looks retro doesn’t make it feel retro, despite the amount of Vanilla Ice references you can put in one shot.

Though, it doesn’t hurt.

The tone of RCR was never that of nostalgia for me, though I’m sure it wasn’t primarily supposed to be, which feels like a missed opportunity.  I’m sure Provinciano just wanted some laughs, and, to that extent, he succeeded.  Even I succumbed to some of his “low-brow” humor (the “Cold Iced Tea” scene got a chuckle from me).  And though I can say RCR is a technical feat, I just wanted more.  I want homages – labor’s of love – to resonate with me on a deeper level.  And, so, in order to feel that resonance, I popped out the retro-centric video game that got it right: Retro Game Challenge!

KACHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I talked about RGC in another post as well, so I won’t tread familiar ground too much.  What I do want to say is that Retro Game Challenge does what Retro City Rampage does, only ten times better.  RCR tried to recall feelings of nostalgia by superficial means, such as showing and reminding the player about cool things from the past, which, as logic dictates, will vicariously make the game cool, too.  It’s kind of like how that shallow kid from High School and college was always name-dropping to sound important (to my Middle School readers, you’ll meet that person soon enough.  Also, stop reading my stuff!  I can get pretty inappropriate).

In RGC‘s case, nostalgia is brought forth not solely by imagery, referencing and set pieces but by atmosphere, subtlety, and genuinely great gaming experiences.  I say “experiences” because there are a total of eight full, albeit short, 8-bit games to play, and none of them are half assed.  Each is a unique and fun experience that accurately emulates the genre or particular game it’s parodying while providing its own take on established game mechanics and level designs.  Conversely, RCR provides you with quick, repetitive missions and mini-games that become derivative long before you even play them.

Even Provinciano knew this was pointless and boring.

Retro Game Challenge‘s story is done a lot better as well.  It’s nothing epic, but it was a hell of a lot funnier, though that’s subjective.  I can objectively say that the plot and character motivation was a lot clearer than in Retro City Rampage (if you’re interested in RGC‘s story, you can check my previous post).  The best part about RGC was how it took a meta approach when establishing its nostalgic tone, and it nailed it.  Instead of focusing on the crap we grew up with on T.V. (video games and T.V. shows) and parading it at us, RGC focused on the crap we grew up with around the phenomenon called the Nintendo Entertainment System (or, more accurately, the Famicom).

Now you will know why Pols Voice is sensitive to loud noises.

The games and challenges in RGC are framed.  Before and after each game you get to interact with the fake games’ instruction manuals, gaming magazines (which were full of cheats, tips, fake rumors, and interviews with developers and game pros), and your friend who chills with you while you play games.  He can offer you advice, talk trash, cheer you on, speculate about playground rumors, bring more magazines, and argue with his mom about playing too many video games.  It frighteningly and accurately depicts my childhood.

The subtle stuff that RGC did was just as effective, if not more so.  The best example is the progression of the Robot Ninja Haggle Man series.  The first two installments are comical action platformers while the final plays like Ninja Gaiden, effectively changing the tone and the genre of the series.  It wasn’t uncommon to see such drastic shifts in series during the NES era, and the change was as disorienting as it was hilarious, just like when it happens in real life.  I also like how the RPG the characters were agonizingly anticipating kept getting delayed.  Man, that hit home and took me back to being a kid again.  And that’s where Retro Game Challenge succeeds at being an excellent homage.  It didn’t focus on pop culture like Retro City Rampage did; Retro Game Challenge focused on a subculture, the nascent hobby that would one day develop into the institution that it is today.

Unfortunately, RGC only appealed to a niche demographic, ultimately dooming it to obscurity.  People younger than twenty probably don’t fully understand the subculture this game resurrects, but those same people will always appreciate mass murder, larceny, guns, and sexual innuendo in video games.  And that’s why Retro City Rampage will win.

AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Basically, if you haven’t played Retro Game Challenge, then shame on you.  If you’ve played Retro City Rampage and haven’t played Retro Game Challenge, then you owe it to yourself to find and play RGC.  Not only is it the better nostalgic game, it’s an awesome game in its own right.  Honestly, I don’t think anyone who has played both games would disagree with me.

Over the weekend, a buddy and I got some time to hang out.  We both have full-time careers and are fathers of two, so hanging out can only mean one thing: we’re babysitting.  Of course, this instance wasn’t an exception.  Our wives decided to go to the Flower Factory, and we decided to stay as far the fuck away as we physically could from any place called the “Flower Factory.”  This also meant keeping his four-year-old boy with us because not doing so would have constituted as child abuse.

This is not what our soldiers are fighting for!

If you follow me at all, then you know I have a shit ton of games.  Well, everyone I know in real life knows this, too.  Needless to say, my buddy’s little boy wasn’t going to not bug the shit out of me until he got to play one.  I thought really hard, and then it hit me: This kid never shuts the hell up about Sonic the Hedgehog!  And what’s weird is that he’s never even played a single Sonic game!  That just shows how marketable that Blue son-of-a-bitch is!

I decided to do the kid a solid and let him actually play one of the Blue Blur’s games.  One of his GOOD games, mind you.  Starting him out with something beyond the Genesis Era would have constituted as child abuse, and I’m pretty sure I’ve already made it clear that I’ve the child’s best interests at heart.

False: If that were true, he’d be playing Mario like he’d asked.

I naturally gravitated towards Sonic the Hedgehog 2.  It’s my favorite one, and I played the turds out of it when I was a young’un.  I figured I could vicariously relive my childhood and view all those wonderful moments and revelations I had as a kid through this child’s eyes.  I popped in the game, gave him the second controller (because fuck Tails), and started playing me some Sonic the Hedgehog 2.

Game: Sonic the Hedgehog 2

Console: Sega Genesis/Sega Mega Drive

Developer: Sonic Team/Sega Technical Institute

Publisher: Sega

Release Year: 1992

Emerald Hill Zone.  Holy balls, that music is so goddamned fantastic!  Of course it’s not the best track to come from the Sonic games, but it’s definitely the track that brings back the most memories.  Green Hill Zone is damn powerful in the nostalgia department, but, since I played Sonic 2 more, Emerald Hill Zone holds a special place in my heart.

With the kick ass music playing in the background, it all started coming back to me.  The way Sonic jumps, the way he curls into a ball to crash into stuff, the speed.  Man, that speed!  I could feel the Blast Processing!  Zipping through tunnels and loops and twisty paths felt so invigorating!  Nothing could stop me!

And then something stopped me.

Fucking spikes.

Well, that sure did bring me down from my high.  Let’s just get back to running and…

Fucking wall.

Oh, a trampoline specifically placed to bounce me into a wall for some reason.  That’s kind of dumb.  Anyway, nothing’s gonna…

Really!?

Are you shitting me!?  Those spikes just popped out of nowhere!  I guess I can be thankful they didn’t stab me, but how inconvenient for them to stop my momentum. But let’s continue.  I’ll just hit this trampoline, run down this hill, build up speed, and…

You fucking monkey piece of shit!

What in the hell?  I thought this game was fast!  That’s what everyone associates Sonic with, right?  Hell, the kid I’m playing with knows Sonic’s fast, and this is his first time playing one of his games!  Why do I feel like I’m constantly bumping into shit every time I think about speeding up?  Oh, right: IT’S BECAUSE I AM!  And I bumped into shit the entire time we played.  I most certainly did not feel like the fastest thing alive.

I will still bust out this theme song at random.

Beyond some parts in the first few levels, I didn’t feel that quick at all.  In fact, I felt like I was going to get punished if I went fast.  Because I did get punished whenever I went fast.  Every time I started moving at a good clip, I’d hit an enemy or wall or rock or spikes or the end of a cliff.  There were points in the game where my buddy and I (sharing Sonic responsibilities) had to slowly inch across the screen because going any faster would have resulted in a mantis blade to Sonic’s dome.

This Mantis Robot is kind of a son of a bitch.

Don’t get me wrong; I do love this game.  I love fucking with whoever is playing as Tails.  You know what I’m talking about: never letting him land or making sure you stop in a position where he’ll drown or get smashed.  But it’s also fun to dick around with Tails.  I always found it hysterical to screw Sonic over by collapsing cliffs or sending platforms on their merry way in Hill Top Zone, stranding the poor hedgehog on a rock in an active volcano.

Good luck crossing now, you blue asshole!

But the game has so many flaws!  First off, I’ve always felt that Sonic’s sprite was too big or the camera was too close to the action.  Panning that shit out would have made seeing upcoming obstacles much easier, allowing for better speed and momentum.  Secondly, the level design, though cool with its many different paths, is mockingly devious.  Just off screen there always seemed to be a trampoline to shoot you backward or a ramp to send you straight up into some spikes or, in the case of Chemical Plant Zone (which has my favorite Sonic track, by the way), bullshit flipping platforms that drop you into water, introducing you to the most panic-inducing music of all time!

Oh, God!  There’s the countdown!

However, all these frustrating traps are downright hilarious when watching somebody else play.  I couldn’t tell you how hard I laughed whenever my buddy got vaulted into a pit or when his son died because he didn’t jump off the plane at the beginning of Wing Fortress Zone.

Derp.

But, despite any disgust I was feeling while replaying this game, I couldn’t help but watch my buddy’s son as he experienced it all for the first time. His eyes sparkled as he watched a hedgehog and a fox speed across the screen, saving helpless animals from their robotic prisons.  He squinted and pursed his lips and jumped up and down with Sonic as he traversed the moving platforms.  And he took much delight in the fact that he was a part of all of it.  I watched, and I remembered.

I remembered barely being older than this kid and being blow away by Sonic the Hedgehog 2 when I first played it.  I remembered being awestruck at how great my older cousin was at it.  I remembered replaying it when I was older and feeling the wonderment from my younger cousin as we made it to Death Egg Zone. I remembered loving video games despite all their flaws.  And I was happy.  I was happy to play Sonic the Hedgehog 2 with my buddy and his son.

We didn’t beat Sonic the Hedgehog 2 that day.  We let the kid play the final lives on Wing Fortress Zone, and he burned through them much like a four-year-old playing the final level of a video game would.  He was disappointed that he let us and the animals trapped in robots down.  We told him we’d save them another day.

Letting him hit that button every time we beat Robotnik made his day.

After they went home and I put my girls to bed, I sat down and played Sonic 2 again.  I didn’t have any particular goal in mine.  I didn’t care if I beat the game.  I didn’t care if I got the Chaos Emeralds.  I didn’t care that I fell for the same horseshit traps that I fell for earlier that day.  All I wanted to do was have fun and remember.

It would’ve been more fun  had I beaten it that night, though.  I’m just saying…

Thanks for you Playing!

So, I have this thing called the Playstation Vita.  Never heard of it?  Well, neither has anyone else ever.  I guess that’s why it’s doing so poorly.  I don’t have any numbers to show you; I just hear about it in every site or forum I visit.  Regardless, I love the damn thing even though I know it’s not perfect… because those same sites and forums keep reminding me of how imperfect it is.  “The Vita haz know gaymes!” they erroneously type over and over again.  Not that their mantra is erroneous or doesn’t have any merit… figuratively speaking.  It’s an empirical fact that games do indeed exist for the console.  I’m merely taking a swing at their hilarious understanding of the English language.

Why can’t people be racist and not stupid?

Getting back to the Vita “haz-ing” no games thing, yeah, the Vita certainly is lacking in the “killer app” department.  And it seems to be doing the same mistake its predecessor did, by which I mean the Vita is releasing a shit ton of ports.  Not that that’s a completely bad thing in my eyes.  I love having portable versions of Rayman Origins, Ninja Gaiden Sigma Plus, and Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3, and I’m looking forward to owning portable versions of Ninja Gaiden Sigma 2 Plus and Muramasa Rebirth (everyone who reads this better support that game!)  However, I can’t help but notice how I mainly use my Vita to watch my MST3K collection.  I keep hoping that, by the time I re-watch all of them, the Vita will be in full swing with some kick ass games.  But what if it never goes into full swing?  Maybe then it’s too late!

Wow.  The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive.

I love watching me some MST3K, but I wanted a game for my gaming console.  So I did some research and found the undeniably best game for the system… and it’s a port.  Persona 4 Golden.  Again, not a bad thing, but still a bit disconcerting when considering the PSP’s fate.  Nevertheless, I dropped the dough for it and stayed awhile in Inaba.

Game: Persona 4 Golden

Console: Playstation Vita

Developer: Atlus

Publisher: Atlus

Release Year: 2012

Okay, I’m going to lay this one to you straight because Persona 4 Golden did something very weird.  It both shattered and didn’t live up to my expectation.  That seems impossible, but damn if the game didn’t somehow do it.

Here’s a little history between the Persona series and me: there is none.  I’ve never played them because they’re Simulation games, a genre that makes me want to puke.  I just can’t take the slow pacing and non-action.  But, since the Vita “haz” no games, I decided to try it out.  I went in knowing Persona 4 Golden was a Simulation/Rouge-Like Dungeon Crawler/JRPG.  I imagined the game to be, based on that description and from piecing together my past experiences with the individual genres that make up that description, slow and boring with way too much talking, relentlessly difficult, and very grind heavy.  I’m here to say that, after 78 hours of playing this game to completion and getting the True ending, my expectations were only 66% wrong.

It sure ain’t.

I don’t want to review this game or describe how you play it.  I more or less just want to give you my thoughts about it.  The best way to do that is to break the game up into two sections: The Simulation Section and the Game Section.  Because I can’t reasonably call Simulation a genre of game.  I just hate them so much.  So, let’s take a look at the Simulation part!

Simulation:

WHO THE FUCK CARES!?

Seriously, the above scene where the girls were gathering ingredients made me want to murder myself.  HOW IS THIS A VIDEO GAME!?  And this kind of shit is littered throughout the entire 78 hours.  One of the primary things you have to do in the game is build up your “Social Links”  which, honestly, I found pointless.  Everything I read during my research to prepare for this game told me to build my Social Links, but there’s really no great advantage in doing so unless you’re building up the links of your fellow fighters, of which there are many benefits.  But really all the Social Links do are give you more story about certain characters and level up your monsters, or Personas.  However, if you didn’t really give a shit about any of the characters or didn’t mind taking the time to level up your monsters with some good, old-fashioned grinding, then Social Links were pointless (except for Maria and Adachi.  Working on their links unlocks a dungeon and ending, respectively).  That’s not to say that I didn’t like any of the characters; in fact, Morooka was the best thing to ever happen in the game.  It was a damn travesty when they killed him off.  Spoilers, by the way.

Rest in peace, you god amongst men!

In the end, I gave a shit about all of the characters.  They were all likeable and genuine.  Being an adult, I didn’t get too much into the high school drama stuff, and I found myself really connecting with the older characters (Dojima, Eri, and especially Hisano). I will say this game might be a good way to teach empathy.  During my playthrough, I got intimate with every female character I could (which seems creepy, considering all the girls are under-aged.  But it didn’t show anything, so it’s cool… I hope).  I didn’t think anything of it because I assumed Bimmy (I name all my heroes that, by the way) broke things off with the other girls.  This wasn’t the case.  Come Valentine’s Day, I felt like the world’s biggest asshole, rejecting all the girls who thought I was their boyfriend.  Yukiko in particular made me feel like shit.

Even I want to kick my own ass.

Ultimately, I was pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed the simulation part of the game, and there were moments where I just had to keep going to see what was going to happen next.  Plus, trying to max out those Social Link, despite how pointless they were, became addicting.

Game Section:

Yup.  That’s a demon taking a dump.  Your welcome.

Though my expectation were exceeded in the Simulation section, things to go quite as smoothly for the Game section.  Quite frankly, this isn’t a very fun game.  In fact, I think it fails at the most rudimentary of levels.  But this could just be from my predisposition of thinking that this game was going to be fun.

Let me back up, this game is fun, but it has a ton of flaws.  For instance, palette swapping.  This game has a few palette-swapped enemies in its second dungeon!  That’s entirely too early to be running out of enemy models.  Even the optional and mid-bosses are palette swaps or bigger versions of previous enemies.  Another thing that really got my goat was how freaking easy this game was.  I went in thinking this game was going to hand my ass to me.  I DIDN”T DIE ONCE!  I always seemed incredibly overpowered, and I never did any grinding.  A lot of it has to do with how awesome they made Rise.  She heals 10% of you HP and SP after each fight, heals you and gives you buffs during battle, and she can negate enemy attacks.  Also, your other team members can automatically heal afflictions, take mortal blows for the hero and for themselves, and add extra attacks for more damage.  It’s pretty neat, but it breaks the game.  I didn’t sweat anything, even when I took down the Technodrome!

Cowabunga!

I understand that the game is enforcing a theme and all, but it did so at the expense of difficulty, which is not okay.  It didn’t make the game completely boring, but it didn’t help.  However, you can choose your difficulty before you start the game.  I suggest starting on something higher than Normal.

Conclusion

Persona 4 Golden is a great experience and should be experienced.  However, it’s not a very fun game.  It’s fun enough, but not to my standards.  After beating it you get the option to do a New Game +, but that sounds dreadful.  You can fast forward all the talking, but that seems just as boring, especially since the game part wasn’t that appealing in the first place.  But don’t let me influence you.  Try it out yourself!

Thanks for you Playing!

It’s February!  You know what that means!  Valentine’s Day!  A time for people either to be gross and do things with their feelings and stuff, or a time for people to be cynical and talk about how love doesn’t exist or whatever crybaby bullshit they spew.  I tend not to listen to either side because they’re both annoying.  Also, Black History Month.

Aw, shucks!  I don’t need Valentine’s Day to love you guys!

But I’m not going to talk about any of that.  Instead, I’m giving this month what it truly needs: A shot of Testosterone right in its ass!  That’s why February will henceforth be called “Badass-uary,” the time to reflect on everything that is manly, awesome, bold, stupid, fun, and badass!

Look at its visual representation!  LOOK AT IT!

And what could be a better way to start off this celebration of awesomeness than with the classic arcade adaptation of Bad Dudes vs. Dragon Ninja, the greatness that is Bad Dudes for the NES?  If you can think of a better start, too bad.  I already wrote this.

Game: Bad Dudes

Console: Nintendo Entertainment System

Developer: Data East USA

Publisher: Data East

Release Year: 1989

There’s nothing I need to say about the epicness that is Bad Dude‘s box art other than “random helicopter in the background.”  I don’t know why, but I can’t think of anything – movie poster, box art, dvd cover,  tattoo – that has a random helicopter in the background and isn’t badass.  So let’s just move on to the plot which, again, is something I need only to say very little about.  Any gamer or casual internet goer knows the plot to Bad Dudes.  But, because I’d rather be redundant than careless, here’s the infamous plot in all its one-screen, all capped glory:

One must look deep within to find one’s inner Badness.

That’s it.  That’s all you get.  Anything else that could even possibly qualify or be construed as exposition or plot development looks a lot like a dude punching ninjas in the face.  And that’s just the way we liked it back in the 80′s. It was also okay for protagonists to wear sweatpants and have the most ridiculous and totally rad names ever: Blade and Striker!  It really doesn’t get any better than that, people.

Only pussies smile and don’t look constipated in their pictures!

However, you should really consider taking the generic, sunglasses-wearing military guy’s question seriously: Are you a bad enough dude?  Because, quite frankly, you’re going to be doing some pretty bad stuff in order to save the president.  There are many times when you’ll have to do things like kicking Little People, shanking women, and punching dogs right in their face:

You could just jump over them, but this is far more hilarious.

But don’t get it wrong; there are plenty of things to pummel in Bad Dudes that won’t rub your conscience wrong.  Ninjas of all colors will come at you from every angle and do everything they can to take you down: scale buildings, throw caltrops like a sissies and run away, traverse sewers and fight atop trains.  All this in hopes of stopping the baddest dude in the U.S.A. from saving Rappin’ Ronnie Reagan or, in the NES version, George Bush Sr.  They want to stop you so much that they even set themselves on fire.

I’d feel bad if I didn’t at least let him run into me.

The most threatening foe you’ll face in this game is either the jumps between cars or boredom.  Bad Dudes is an entirely too-slow and by-the-books Beat-’Em-Up experience, which is sad considering the plot really built it up to be something so grand.  Levels scroll from left to right, and you can fight either on the ground or on – I don’t know – parallel platforms a little above the ground?  Whatever.  The upper level you fight on changes each level.  One level it’s a cliff, and on another it’s a train or semi-trucks.  And sometimes, when the game adds another platform to fight on, the action comes to a complete halt as the screen slowly and awkwardly scrolls downward.  It’s awful, but the game compensates for this technical shortcomings by allowing the player to punch ninjas to death.  And these ninjas can run as fast as semi-trucks on the highway.  And the music on that level is sweet.  So it all evens out.

Who here hasn’t daydreamed of punching ninjas off of speeding semi-trucks?

To fend off all these president-stealing ninjas, you get an arsenal composed of punches and kicks powerful enough to neutralize any oncoming ninjas with one hit, a stupid-looking spinning jump kick, and, obviously, a flame punch.

Because you’re bad!

But the best move in the game is by far the leg sweep, but anyone who’s watched The Karate Kid (not the shitty Will Smith version) can tell you that!  The leg sweep is just so magical and effective.  For instance, in this game, it can kill five out of the seven bosses.  Simply get on the higher platform, which is readily available always, stand above the boss, and, when he jumps up, do a leg sweep to his head (or head sweep).

For added affect, replace “leg sweep” in the previous sentence with “knife stab.”

To defeat the final boss, I was lucky enough to have gotten nunchuks from a red ninja (they drop weapons and soda upon dying) and was able to repeatedly smack his dumb ass from a safe distance.  It’s a pretty bizarre fight, if you could imagine: A dude in sweatpants and wifebeater using nunchuks to continually bash the crotch of a Kabuki dramatist while fighting on the side of a helicopter in mid-flight.

I’m so glad to live in a world where that sentence exists and is applicable.

Oh, yeah.  This is happening right now.

There’s a lot to love here in Bade Dudes, but, to be brutally sincere, this game really isn’t that fun.  After the brilliant and poignant opening and the novelty of kicking Karnov’s ass and hearing your guy declare “I’m Bad!” like a bad Michael Jackson impersonator coughing over an intercom, there’s really nothing much else to see or do.  Except the ending.  That shit’s classic.

Mr. President, is that the Union Jack?  You’re being the president wrong!

Back in the day, Bad Dudes wasn’t that terrible.  It just hasn’t stood the test of time.  That being said, on the Badass-O-Meter, I give Bad Dudes a rating of 5 out of 10 - Johnny Lawrence!

Thanks for Your Playing!  See you later this month for some more Badass-uary!

Johnny Lawrence – Popular, likable, and well loved by the initiated.  The pinnacle of coolness and badassness in the 80′s, this particular title hasn’t aged well.  Though undeniably badass, its cocky demeanor and reliance on its few strengths ultimately makes it come across as shallow.  Deserves a play.

Most Badass Moment -  Stopping a ninja star by punching it head on and coming out unscathed.

If you’ve at all been keeping up with current events, then you’ve undoubtedly come across one of our generations biggest stories: Rayman Legends for the Wii U is no longer a Wii U exclusive and will be appearing on Xbox 360 and PS3.  What makes matters worse?  It’s being delayed.  “Oh,” you think to yourself, “that’s not so bad.  It was supposed to be a launch title for the Wii U, and it got pushed back 3 months.  I can wait another week or two.”  Well, keep dreaming, because Ubisoft is pushing that shit back for another seven months.

Yes, it’s true; twenty days before its scheduled North American release and eventual worldwide release Ubisoft hit Rayman fans with a seven-month delay. You can only imagine how that went down for all interested parties.

Ubisoft can’t even begin to fathom the amount of Butthurt they’ve caused.

And the worst part of all this, if you haven’t surmised, is that the game is practically finished.  They’re delaying the Wii U version so they can release the game multiplatform, and Ubisoft needs that time to develop for the other consoles.  Naturally, people start asking, “Why not just release the Wii U version and release the ports later?”  To be honest, that’s a good question.  That’s why it’s not hard to give credit to some people’s theory that Ubisoft was bought out.  By whom, I’ve no idea.  Sony?  Microsoft?  Both?  Whomever it may be, if a buyout happened at all, I’d like to think that Ubisoft got enough money to fill that hole where their souls used to be.

Yup.  This’ll plug that right up.

I’m a huge Rayman fan.  I habitually played his first game on my Saturn when I was a kid, slogged through its sequel on the N64, ignored him until Raving Rabbids, and continued ignoring him until the sublime Rayman Origins recaptured my heart.  Man, that game really is phenomenal.  I seriously believe that, in Origins, Rayman does platforming better than Mario and speed better than Sonic.  But I digress.  Presently, I’m an enormous Rayman fan who’s main reason for purchasing the Wii U was for Rayman Legends.  Also, I’ve played the Castle Rock level in the Rayman Legends Demo more times than I’d like to admit.  Let’s just say my 2-year-old daughter can sing verbatim the gibberish version of Black Betty that plays during that level.

The Metal-est thing to happen in gaming since ever!

Being a Wii U owner who invested in the console solely for Rayman Legends, you can imagine how heavy this news hit me.  So, in order to find some solace, I went online to see how others were taking it.  It wasn’t pretty.

Perusing a lot of forums and comments sections, I got a good sampling on how people were reacting.  I also saw how people were assessing those reactions.  For the most part, I noticed how the assessers tended to focus on the loss of exclusivity and attribute that loss to the overall feeling of disdain that Wii U owners were exhibiting.  I can’t say that there aren’t instances where that’s not true, but I don’t think these people were really getting the point of our – Rayman Fans/Wii U Owners – disgust.  Allow me to elucidate.

Let me just step right up here, now….

Some people, specifically PS3/Xbox 360 fanboys, want to believe that we Wii U owners are upset that our precious little game isn’t just ours anymore.  I really can’t speak for everyone, but I can say that that’s not the case for me.  I understand Ubisoft is a company, and companies exist to make money.  Therefore, selling a game for multiple consoles instead of just one is a great way to bolster sales.  In that sense, this is a pretty damn good business move.  However, it’s a damn bad PR move, and this brings us to the real reason why we’re upset: a seven-month delay!

Crap, man!  That’s a long-ass time!  Especially for a game that’s already finished!  It’s hard to understand how Ubisoft thought delaying a finished product would be a great move.  Moreover, they’re delaying it to be released alongside Grand Theft Auto V.  I’m sorry, but that’s just bad business.  GTAV is going to clean the floor with Rayman Legends, and this is coming from someone who doesn’t give a shit about GTA.

They’ll hijack Rayman’s game faster than any Rabbid.

Now, let’s go back to the community of outraged Rayman fans.  I’ve heard talks of people cancelling their preorders to boycotting the game to shunning Ubisoft altogether.  Wherever you stand on this, all I can say is do what you have to do.  I don’t agree with what went down with Mass Effect 3, but I can’t deny the power of a group of willful individuals.

As for me, I’ll tell you what I’m going to do.  I’m going to wait seven months and then purchase Rayman Legends on Wii U.  You know why?  Because I’m not entitled.  It blows; I can’t lie.  It blows hard that this is happening.  But there’s nothing I can do about it.  I could bitch and moan like the Mass Effect 3 ending haters, but I got better shit to do with my time.  If you’re not going to buy this game, or if you’re going to boycott Ubisoft for whatever self-righteous reason, just know that you’re going to be missing out on one hell of a game.  I can’t wait for Legends to come out (but tough shit!  I’m going to have to!), so I think I’ll play me some Rayman Origins to tide me over.  That game’s the shit!

Welcome back to Badass-uary!  Did you miss me?  If so, GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!  That sentimental bullshit isn’t allowed!  It might taint our testosterone!  And we’re here to fuel ourselves to the brim with testosterone!  Incidentally, you know what else is fueled by testosterone?  Also, rocket fuel?  Jet packs!  So let’s take a look at the badassness that is Jetpack Joyride!  Try not to singe your balls while we jetpack all over the place!  But if you do, record that shit, and then POST IT ON YOUTUBE!  Because that’d be hilarious!

Game: Jetpack Joyride

Console: iOS, Android, Windows 8, and PSN

Developer: Halfbrick Studios

Publisher: Halfbrick Studios (Big Ant Studios for the PS Vita)

Release Year: 2011

Jetpack Joyride is a freemium game released on smartphones, tablets, and the Playstation Vita that is undeniably badass and incredible.  I’ve really only one screen shot to show you that pretty much sums up its greatness in a way words just cannot:

It’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a screen shot…

That is a mechanical dog perched on a mechanical dragon’s head as they wreak havoc on a laboratory.  The man riding the mechanical dragon is named Barry Steakfries, and he is the greatest man ever.  For you see, his sole purpose of raiding this presumably secret and possibly underground laboratory is to steal their jet pack and ride the shit out of it.  That’s it.  He just wants to take the jet pack for a spin.  As far as video game character motivations go, I’ve never heard or seen one so masterfully executed and universal!  I mean, who in the world wouldn’t want to ride a jet pack?  EXACTLY!  But who actually has the balls to bust into a highly secure lab and gank one while showing flagrant disregard to their well being, all in the name of being awesome?  Barry Steakfries, that’s who!  And when I say “bust into,” I’m meaning that as literally as I possibly can.

This is how real men enter rooms!

Walls?  Pfft.  Solid matter can suck it!  Barry knows there’s a jet pack on the other side, and he’s not letting bullshit like concrete stop him!  You know what else Barry knows?  Nothing’s worth doing unless there’s a record to beat!  That’s why he keeps track of how far he goes in the top left corner.  And Barry’s serious about going the distance.  So much so that he’ll use a bomb to blow his ass a few hundred meters further.  Because you go big or go home when you’re dealing with jet packs!

“Is it safe?”  I don’t see why that matters.  It’s jet pack time!

So the point of the game is to go from left to right while dodging missiles, electric barriers, and lasers.  You know, the typical shit you dodge while jetpacking.  But since there’s no end to the level, you’re supposed to see how far you can get before inevitably dying in a horrible fiery death.  You know, just like in real jetpacking.  There really isn’t much else to the game.  You go as far as you can, die, and try again.  It kind of reminds me of Balloon Trip from Balloon Fight, except Jetpack Joyride is way better because it has jet packs and isn’t boring with terrible controls.  Also, Barry doesn’t collect balloons like a premenstrual little girl.

This is so unrealistic!  How’s he gonna fit all those balloons in his purse?

Jetpack Joyride is very simplistic, but that’s not to its detriment.  There’s only one command you can do in the game: tap the screen to activate the jet pack.  It doesn’t get any easier than that, folks.  And this simplicity makes sense.  You don’t have a lot of time to think and search for buttons when your goal is to get in as much jetpacking goodness as you can in the short time you have before you die.  Touch to fly; don’t touch to not fly.  Brilliant!

You’d think that pressing your screen over and over again to get a little further down a corridor would get old very quickly, but JJ has a few tricks up its sleeve to mix it up a bit, like random vehicles.  Each vehicle controls in a different way, effectively changing the game up.  JJ also keeps you saying “Just one more game.”  The game’s intelligently designed to be played in short bursts (though that never happens).  Typically, I can get to 3000 to 4000 meters before I die.  That’s about four to five minutes of gameplay that can occupy any downtime.  Waiting for the bus?  Jet pack time!  Have to restart because the porn you’ve been downloading has riddled your computer with program-stalling trojans?  Jet pack time!  Taking a dump?  You better believe that’s jet pack time!

Some Angry Birds would have made this war less boring.

But what makes coming back to those short gaming sessions so irresistible?  Oh, so many things!  My main reason to come back is coin collecting.  I can’t help but collect shit in video games!  It’s a terrible and fruitless addiction that’s driving my family away, ultimately allowing more time for my sweet, terrible and fruitless addiction.  You can collect coins throughout your runs, which is fine, but it’s the objectives that hook me.  The objectives, or missions, are given to you randomly and range from rubbing your head on the ceiling to high-fiving scientists as you run by.  That’s right: The scientists, who you repeated abuse and steal from, recognize how badass you are and openly reward you with high fives.  Barry is the man!

Pictured: Barry giving exactly zero fucks as he stares down a missile.

Anyway, completing these missions levels Barry up.  Leveling up gets you more coins and more objectives to complete in order to level up and get more coins and more objectives to complete in order to level up and…  OH GOD!  I’m doing it again!

Quitting Jetpack Joyride is easy.  I do it 20 times a day.

Coins can also be obtained by the manliest means ever: Gambling!  You can collect spin tokens while joyriding.  Upon dying, a slot machine appears and you get to pull the lever as many times as you have tokens.  Rewards include blowing yourself up for distance, the aforementioned coins, and even resurrection.  Barry is like Jesus… but with a jet pack!

Now there’s a savior!

I suppose now’s a good time as any to explain what the coins are for.  Short answer: Everything!  There’s an in-game shop that let’s you purchase clothes for Barry, new jet packs, gadgets (such as your awesome dog) that give you added effects, consumables like bombs, and upgrades for your vehicles.  Everything you buy is pointless, but I don’t care!  I love to collect coins to buy stuff!  The combination of collecting and buying to improve yourself so you can get just a little further somehow makes all the pointlessness of the game worthwhile.  It’s such a brilliant design that I want to punch Halfbrick Studio right in their collective dong!

Whenever I have violent, dong-punching thoughts, I remember that the dog gets its own vehicles, too, and I smile.

For a freemium game – hell, for any game – Jetpack Joyride is amazing.  Its incredible sense of humor and addictive gameplay make for a more worthwhile experience than you normally get with most smartphone games.  The Vita version has button controls, allowing for a more traditional gaming experience while simultaneously making the game ten times better.  There’s no reason to not play this game; in fact, I’m sure 90% of you have already played the shit out Jetpack Joyride.  Nevertheless, I just couldn’t pass up putting it in Badass-uary when it so obviously deserves to be put here.  On the Badass-O-Meter, I give Jetpack Joyride a 7 out of 10 - Steve McQueen!

Steve McQueen - Charismatic and amoral, this title’s anti-hero status makes it the envy of other men and video games.  Given that the main character does his own stunts, it just makes the game that much cooler.  This title definitely deserves your time.  Make sure to play this title with your lady friend to put her in the mood.

Most Badass Moment – Getting resurrected and then killing yourself immediately.  Because fuck divine intervention!

Welcome back to my ongoing course on how to stop sucking and love the Badass!

Being a Badass takes a lot of focus, determination, guts, and punching!  Lots and lots of punching!  Maybe even a kick here and there, but definitely loads of punching!  As your area’s resident Badass, it’s your responsibility to stay at the top of your game if you’re going to keep the Shadow Boss or the Mad Gear Gang away from your women.  Vigorous face-punching related exercises are a good first step in staying at your peek, but there are non-face-punching related measures that must be taken in order to stay at your face-punchy-est.  Because all this punching and looking awesome expends a ton of energy, you have to know how to keep your energy up, and the best way to do that is by eating right.  Now, I know being a Badass doesn’t allow much time to eat, what with the constant street brawls and comeback wrestling matches and all, so that’s why it’s important to only eat what’s best for you.

Below is what I am so unpredictably calling the “Badass Diet,” created by yours truly, BygJuce!  I’ve spent years on the harrowing streets of the world’s most dangerous fictitious cities and suburbs: Metro City, River City, Wood Oak City, Gotham City, Springfield, Toronto.  The list could go on and on.  What I’m so magnanimously about to share with all you girly men comes from years and years of honing my gut to wring as much nutrition as possible from the most easily available foods while staying on the go (read: moving right while punching lots of dudes).  So pay attention, and eat the following!

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Meat: Man’s best friend!  See how Bonk reacts to meat up there?  That’s because Meat is just so damn beautiful and delicious.  Honestly, I could end this chapter right here because as long as you’re eating copious amounts of meat you’re set!  However, there are in fact other foods out there that can make you look more like a Badass if you eat them, and there are many kinds of meat that you should be aware of, each with its own properties, advantages and distinct flavors.  Let’s begin with the meat, shall we?

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I know what you’re thinking: “Dude, gross!”  WRONG!  You should be ashamed of yourself!  Trash Meat WILL save your life out there!  You better get rid of that “stuck-up chick” mentality right now before you even think about strapping on your suspender.  Oh, you’ve discovered that the fully cooked ham and turkey dinner you want to eat was found by knocking over a garbage can or a stack of tires, and now you don’t want to eat it?  Tough shit, Precious!  Don’t you know there are starving Badasses out there right now going hungry among endless waves of generic henchmen?  So you’re going to sit there and eat every last bite because I’m not letting the screen scroll to the right until you do, mister!  You’re going to feel pretty stupid when your life bar’s in the red and you get taken down by some mohawked punk named Ashley!

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Wall Meat is good for the muscles!  Not just for its protein, but because you have to tear through a freaking wall to get to it!  So you know it’s good!  I’m not much into science (unless you’re speaking about the science of Kicking Ass!), but I’m pretty sure Wall Meat is full of strong preservatives.  I mean, these preservatives have to be powerful if they’re keeping meat edible after it’s been in a wall for who knows how long.  Therefore, I’ve constructed a theory: I believe eating enough Wall Meat saturated with these preservatives has the potential of making one immortal.  Now, I don’t have any hard facts or evidence to support my assertion, so the logical thing to do is to have everybody reading this go tear down every wall they see and eat whatever meat they find.

Yeah, that sounds about right.  You all go do that, and then come back here in a hundred years and post whether you’re immortal or not.  SCIENCE IS BADASS!

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Super Meat Boys are delicious!  They’re full of protein, electrolytes, and hilarity!  Consumption also comes with some pretty sweet side effects, which include splashing blood on any surface you touch, gaining superhuman agility and tenacity, and bestowing upon you the irresistible urge to parody iconic video game scenes and tropes, with hilarious results.  Fortunately, Super Meat Boys aren’t hard to find.  Unfortunately, they are hard to catch and even harder to prepare properly.  Here’s a hint: Frustration and unadulterated rage are the secret ingredients that make Super Meat Boys so good.

Eating one will undoubtedly turn your current withered and weak frame into something desirable or at least more presentable to the ladies.  But, until you can actually grab one, stick to the easier-to-capture meats. Like your dong.  Because ladies don’t want a man that can’t handle Super Meat Boy!  BOOYAH!

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If Burgers are good enough for the President of the United States and the Baddest Dudes in America, then they’re good enough for you!

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Regardless of whether you bought it at your local pizzeria or found it in the sewer, the healing properties of Pizza cannot be overstated.  And the more of it you eat, the healthier you get!  It’s a fact and you should quote it every chance you get!

Scientists and mathematicians have recently determined that, through rigorous case studies I’m too lazy to hyperlink, a single slice of pizza replenishes three ticks of life while consuming an entire pie restores you to full health despite your ailment. This breakthrough in medical science has limitless implications!  I’m just going to go out and say it: Cancer’s gone within the next few years!

But healing isn’t even Pizza’s best attribute!  The best part is that Pizza tastes great with pretty much anything on it.  Might I suggest putting huge piles of meat on top of your pie for maximum deliciousness?  So, the next time you’re trading blows with a steel pipe-weilding ninja and you see a pizza, take the time to devour that shit in one manly bite!  Not only will it heal you, but attacking someone with your cheeks full of pizza and having sauce shooting out of your mouth as you bellow your battle cry always takes the enemy by surprise.

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I’ve a modest proposal.  Since the streets are teeming with hooligans hellbent on destruction and daughter-napping and Badasses become exhausted through the constant and repeated actions of punching and kneeing the faces of said hooligans, why not solve both problems in one fell swoop?  Simply eat the jabronis that are trying to cut your face off!

I’ve been assured by a very knowing Pink acquaintance that a spry, healthy henchman is a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, boiled, or inhaled.  Personally, I haven’t had to resort to eating my enemies, mostly because I don’t suck (check out that double meaning!) and constantly need healing.  But, if you do get kicked around a bit too often, I’d say learn how to unhinge your jaw and let them have it!  You’ll recover life, rid the city of one less asshole, look like a total Badass, and save time while doing so.  Everyone wins!  Unless you’re the asshole who got eaten, of course.  Then you definitely lose.

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Donkey Kong eats bananas.  Donkey Kong punches alligator people in the face; therefore, you should eat bananas!  You can’t argue against such ironclad logic.  Now, go eat every banana you see so you can become a Badass like DK and not because I accidentally bought a lot of stock in Chiquita.  Definitely not because of that.

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I don’t have any figures on the nutritional value of consuming ghosts, nor do I have any research on whether or not you’ll get cursed by doing so.  What I do have is a suspicion that anyone who eats ghosts is someone I don’t want to fuck with.  I can’t even wrap my head around the awesomeness of the person who eats ghosts.  I mean, shit!  They EAT ghosts!  I know full grown men with guns and swords who’d be too busy slipping on their own shit to even begin figuring out what kind of wine would complement a transparent entrée.

Speaking of shit, I wonder what bowel movements would look like after you pass a ghost?  Hmm…

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And that’s it!  Eat everything I just outlined here and you’ll be a well nourished Badass capable of liberating cities and making out with real ladies in no time!

Also, if any of you weaklings have any specific areas of weakness you’d like me to address, drop me a line in the comments below and I’ll get to them whenever the hell I feel like it.

Your Homework: MEAT!!!!!!!!

Stay Badass, men!  You too, women!  See you next time!

Welcome back to Badass-uary!  For this entry, I wanted to talk about the baddest and most kick ass game franchise I know: Metal Slug!  To do this, I went on the hunt for Metal Slug Anthology, the manliest compilation ever conceived!  And when I couldn’t find it locally, I dropped $20 for it on PSN!  It’s easily the best $20 I’ve ever spent.  But I’ve never paid for any kind of sexual services, so I doubt I’m a good point of reference on the “money-to-pleasure” ratio.

Moving on and away from the awkward silence, let’s take a look at one of my favorite games of all time.  But be warned: Shit’s about to get manly!

Game: Metal Slug Anthology

Console: Playstation 2, PSP, Wii, PSN

Developer: Terminal Reality (Developed the Anthology Compilation)

Publisher: SNK Playmore

Release Year: 2006/2007

The Metal Slug series is known for two things: its amazing art design, and its brutal difficulty.  These aspects are translated over brilliantly in this anthology.  Each game’s a straight port from its Neo Geo cartridge, meaning they’re hard as shit but at least pretty to look at.  The games being ports also makes $20 sound really good when each game originally cost $250 – $350.  Considering the Neo Geo was like $700, it’s no surprise I never knew anybody with a Neo Geo in my neighborhood.

There are seven games in this anthology.  Holistically, they’re essentially the same game.  Sure, there are small additions here and there on each title, but most of the additions aren’t substantial.  I always viewed each game as an expansion pack for the first game, and that’s fine by me.

What you can expect from each game is about 30 – 45 minutes of good, old-fashioned co-op run-n-gun action with great hand-drawn animation, peppered with a lot of charm and humor.  Most of the games’ humor comes from the enemy soldiers’ over-the-top reactions and the General Morden’s tendency to lose his pants.  But the main gag here is the soldiers’ silliness and the games’ cartoony art style juxtaposed with the graphic scenes of war, death and gore.  Putting these things together makes for a unique and startlingly unforgettable experience, especially for the uninitiated.  And I couldn’t love the game more for it!

I think it’s finally time to jump into the meaty part of this article, don’t you think?  TO THE GAMES!

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Game: Metal Slug

Release Date: 1996

Metal Slug is where it all started.  From its trademark humor and difficulty to saving P.O.W.s to the announcer yelling “Rocket Lawn Chair!” when you get the rocket launcher, MS created that magic  Oh, and let’s not forget the first time you slice open a soldier stupid enough to get near you.  That’s magical, too.

You only get to play as Marco and Tarma in this first entry, and, as difficult as this game is, I’d say it’s the easiest in the franchise.  It also happens to be my favorite, partly because it isn’t as hard as the others.  I used to pick it up every month or so and blaze through it in half an hour.

Metal Slug is a must play for any gamer.

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Game: Metal Slug 2

Release Date: 1998

Metal Slug 2 brings in two more playable characters, the gals Fio and Eri.  Because what could make a game about tanks and shooting and explosions better?  Boobs, that’s what!  MS2 also brings in the slow down.  There are tons of areas where the frame rate takes a hit.  Personally, this isn’t that big a deal to me.  The game slows down when too much shit is on the screen, so I always used it to my advantage to dodge.

MS2 also introduces new slugs, like the Camel Slug, and character transformations.  In this game, you can be changed into a mummy that’s slow and terrible at everything, or you can transform into a fatty, which makes you awesome!  MS2 also introduces the Martian/Rebel Alliance and the Martian Double Cross, which was a pretty cool addition that becomes a running gag throughout the franchise.

Aside from the changes mentioned, there isn’t much else new.  But what’s wrong with more of the same when it’s so kick ass!  Metal Slug 2 is my second favorite in the series, even over X.  That may sound stupid, but I have my reasons, which you’ll discover later in this article.

If you don’t mind a little slow down, play you some Metal Slug 2.

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Game: Metal Slug X

Release Date: 1999

Metal Slug X is a re-release of Metal Slug 2 with some updates.  It’s exactly the same as MS2 except X eliminates the slow down, adds mummy dogs (because that’s what the game was missing, apparently), and incorporates more Martian involvement.  I honestly don’t like any of the updates for this game.  I didn’t mind the slow down, the mummy dogs are assholes, and they put the Martians in a spot that ruined one of the game’s set pieces, which will be discussed later in this article.

If the slowdown of 2 turned you off, then Metal Slug X is a better choice.  But watch out for those stupid ass mummy dogs.  The bastards…

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Game: Metal Slug 3

Release Date: 2000

Metal Slug 3 is batshit crazy, and I love it!  The general consensus is that this is the best game in the series, and it’s hard to argue.  It’s just so damn good!  It’s really hard, and the entire game doesn’t make any sense.  Why am I fighting crabs on the first level?  What, I’m fighting zombies now?  That’s cool, but watch out for the Yetis!  Then, suddenly, walking plants and snails!  I don’t know what the hell is going on, but, honestly, that only makes it better.

The only firsts I can think of in this series are underwater stages (because everybody loves those) and branching paths in levels.  The branching paths add replay value to an already highly replayable game and offer new experiences to those who are willing to find them.

Weird, unique, challenging, and fun, you’d be doing yourself a disservice missing out on Metal Slug 3.  It’s Metal Slug at its finest.

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Game: Metal Slug 4

Release Date: 2002

Metal Slug 4 decided to replace Tarma and Fio with a couple of jabronis who are never seen again in the franchise after this game so I never bothered learning their stupid names!

Anyway, MS4 tries to stand out from the rest of the series by introducing a new scoring system that has something to do with medals.  I really have no idea how it works because I’m always too busy trying to survive and never have the time to figure it out.  However, the game does introduce the very manly Double Heavy Machine Gun power up!  Shooting tanks never felt so good!

MS4 is my least favorite in the bunch, but it’s still pretty awesome.  Check it out.

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Game: Metal Slug 5

Release Date: 2003

Metal Slug 5 is the black sheep of the Metal Slug family.  It’s just weird, but not the good “Metal Slug 3″ kind of weird.  It’s more like the “Why the Hell did you do that?” kind of weird.  The soldiers you had grown to know and love get replaced by some other dudes.  Why’d you have to go and change them, SNK!? WHY!?

Tantrum aside, the enemies in MS5 don’t have the cartoony reactions like the soldiers in the other games, effectively changing the game’s tone and stripping it of its charm.  Sure, the hand-drawn sprites and animations always look good, but things just aren’t the same without the soldiers…

This game also has a supernatural element to it with resurrecting cult members and demons and crap.  It’s different, but I don’t hate it; in fact, I actually like the game.  It’s easy compared to the rest of the franchise (excluding Metal Slug 1), which makes it ideal for quick playthroughs.

MS5 also did something awesome by introducing a slide move.  Finally, a game with one-hit kills and constant enemy fire gets an evasion maneuver!  This amazing addition will be the sole legacy of the weirdness that is Metal Slug 5!

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Game: Metal Slug 6

Release Date: 2006/2007

Why would they get rid of the slide move!?  It was so awesome!

As much of a blow as that is, at least General Morden and his band of merry men have returned!  And they brought the Martians with them!  Also along for the ride are newcomers to the series Ralph and Clark from – I shit you not – Ikari Warriors.  You remember that run-n-gun game on the NES?  Well, they’re back for more running-and-gunning, baby!

Metal Slug 6 is a huge leap forward for the series.  In addition to the two new sweet playable characters, each character has their own abilities and stats.  For example, Marco’s handgun is really powerful while Ralph can take two hits before he dies and can punch tanks until they explode!

You can now hold and cycle through two special weapons at a time, which means you can switch the Drop Shot for your handgun if you accidentally pick it up!  There’s also a new scoring system that adds multipliers for constantly shooting things.  You know a game’s badass when they reward recklessness and wastefulness!  Melee attacks can now be done whenever you want as well, which is okay, I guess.  Also, the Zantatsu Sword power up is added to your arsenal, but it sucks so never mind.

There are new aliens in this game, and they force you, the Rebel Army, and the Martians to team up to take them out.  It’s a funny enough premise, but I hate the new aliens.  I’d rather fight the soldiers again.  But, alas, that will have to wait until Metal Slug 7.

Go ahead and play you some Metal Slug 6.  It’s one of the best in the series.

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Here’s how I like my games: The level begins, you kill a bunch of shit as you move to the right, then a huge boss shows up and you kill the hell out of it!  The Metal Slug series does this formula very well, and it has some sweet ass bosses to boot.  Here are my favorites.

10.) Metal Slug 6 - Mission 4 (Snake Boss)

I really like the Snake boss because it has so many sweet spots – those areas where you can stand and just unload without fear of getting hit yourself.  Finding a sweet spot is like discovering a $10 bill in a shirt that’s been hanging in your closet for awhile!  I also like how you have to run on its back to avoid falling into the water below.  It’s actually quite humorous.

9.) Metal Slug 3 – Final Mission (Rootmar)

I just love how freaking ugly this guy is.  I also love how ridiculously obvious his weak point is.  Rootmar has this one attack where you can only dodge it by either jumping in a very specific spot near its brain or jumping into the Metal Slug and then jumping back out.  It’s fun learning the timing, and you feel like a badass once you get it down.

8.) Metal Slug 3 – Mission 2 (Meteorite Boss)

I have no idea who those big dudes are in the above pic.  All I know is that the real boss is the meteorite in the center of them, and the weirdest part of this battle is when it emerges and starts dropping stone slabs covered in alien writing on your head.  The best part is that these guys are never explained.  I guess they made the zombie outbreak found on this level?

Of all the aliens throughout the Metal Slug series, these guys are the most intriguing, and they only get about five minutes of your time.  And that’s if you suck at killing things fast.

7.) Metal Slug 4 – Mission 4 (Giant Robot Head Boss)

This guy looks like a big Frankenstein’s creature.  That’s good enough for me.  He also has some weird claw thing he drops on you for some reason.  Eventually, he shoots chemical-filled water balloons and soldiers out of his mouth, which are exactly the two things I’d make a giant robot shoot at people.

6.) Metal Slug 3 - Mission 1 (Giant Hermit Crab Boss)

The Hermit Crab boss is one of those scrolling bosses.  I typically don’t like those, but the creativity and design of this boss is just so great.  I like how the bridge your own keeps getting destroyed as the crab moves towards you.  It makes the fight seem more intense!

5.) Metal Slug 5 – Final Mission (Demon Boss)

This guy looks pretty sweet, and he’s huge!  When he flies toward you and that music plays, it’s freaking cool.  There’s no other boss like him in the Metal Slug series.  He also gets super bonus points for using a scythe.  His only flaw is that he’s one of the easiest bosses in the entire franchise.

4.) Metal Slug 5 - Mission 4 (Sand Submarine Boss)

My favorite part about this fight is it’s in the desert.  The rest of the level was a water stage.  The screen directly before this fight had your guy fighting in underwater tubes like that one level in Earthworm Jim.  You seriously exit a tube and your guy in running into a desert in the next screen getting attacked by a Sand Submarine.  I feel like the game was already finished when one of the developers was like, “Dude, I totally made this awesome Sand Submarine boss!  You should totally put him in!”  Upon seeing this boss, the other developers were equally as smitten and decided to nix whatever water-themed boss they had and threw this guy in.  Fuck logic!  It’s a SAND SUBMARINE!

This boss also has a cool “Death From Above” attack that makes you look sweet when you dodge it, and that’s badass.

3.) Metal Slug 4 – Mission 2 (Allen O’Neil’s Tower Fortress)

Allen O’Neil is God’s answer to how men should be!  He goes into a war shirtless, carries a huge gatling gun at all times, and screams “C’mere, boi!” when he wants to kill you.  He also dies in every game and still comes back for the sequel (except in MS5, but only because it wasn’t manly enough to contain his presence).

In this battle, Allen decided to bring a Tower Fortress to the fight, because wouldn’t you if you could?  I really like how you can destroy sections of it and the upper parts fall into place perfectly.  But my favorite part has to be the sweet spot shown in the above pic.  If you stay there, Allen’s huge canon (ladies) can’t hit you, and neither can the huge guns.  If you can press the fire button fast enough, the missiles Allen drops get knifed instead of blowing up on you.

BECAUSE BADASSES STAB MISSILES!

2.) Metal Slug 2 & X – Mission 4 (Tower-Eating Boss)

This boss is just so weird and unique.  I don’t think this guy could have been possible in any other game.  Developers and publishers would have laughed the poor soul who thought it up out of existence.  But nope!  This is Metal Slug!  That shit goes in level 2!

It’s a robotic snake – I think – that chases you as it swallows the tower you’re using to get away from it.  It also shoots an enormous laser out of its mouth, which is always a crowd pleaser.  The brilliance and balls it took to make this guy just blows my mind.

1.) Metal Slug 2 & X – Mission 4 (Battleship Tank Boss)

I’m a sucker for bosses that have multiple parts to destroy, and this Battleship Tank Boss has lots of guns to blast off of it because picking apart a huge enemy is always gratifying.  It’s nice when the fight actually gets easier as it goes on.  This battle’s also a scrolling fight, so staying on the move is a must.  I always like that.  It builds tension.

This thing also shoots huge shells at you that will launch you into the air if you jump on the explosion just right.  It’s a more traditional boss, but what can I say?  I’m a traditional kind of guy.  I like my bosses to be huge tanks with lots of guns.

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The Metal Slug series has a lot of badass moments.  It was actually pretty tough to pick just ten and even harder to not put Allen O’Neil in every entry.  The following are the baddest of the badass!

10.) Metal Slug 3 – Final Mission

The final mission in MS3 is about half the length of the game.  No joke.  It’s epic in every sense of the word.  It starts out as an air raid against the Rebel Army that ends with a double cross from the Martians, prompting you to join forces with the Rebel Army to save your friend and Morden from the Martian Mothership.  Also, the world.

The level goes on and on, and you’ll see and fight a lot of stuff.  The final battle with Rootmar is pretty thrilling as you both free fall through the atmosphere.  This mission is incredible on your first playthrough, but its novelty disappears on subsequent replays.  It’s just too damn long.

9.) Metal Slug 3 – Elephant Slug (with Battery)

This area is the most pointless thing you can ever do in a video game.  It’s a hidden area that yields no reward other than riding an elephant equipped with a turret and the powers of Zeus through a horde of zombies!  Actually, that sounds pretty badass.  This is totally worth it!

8.) Metal Slug 3 – Zombie Blood Barf

You are a zombie, and you puke blood out so powerfully that it destroys tanks and disintegrates soldiers.  You win.

7.) Metal Slug 2 & X – Allen O’Neil vs. Killer Whale

After besting Allen in the previous game, he somehow returns for a rematch.  This time, after killing him, he falls into the ocean and a random killer whale jumps up to devour him.  When I leave this world, this is how I’d like to go.

Oh, but don’t worry.  Allen returns in the next game, of course.  That’s why I’m still holding out for Boba Fett!

6.) Metal Slug 2 & X – Teaming Up on the Martians

You and the Rebel Army coming together at the end of the third game is pretty awesome, but it was much better in 2 and X.  After the Martian double cross, it’s you verses the alien fiend!  You struggle to take down the UFO, and you finally take it down, only to realize that what you were fighting was only a piece of a much larger ship.  You begin this new fight, and, as the fight goes on, Rebel soldiers start to pour in from both sides of the screen, throwing grenades at and shooting the alien threat.  The soldiers even cover you with riot shields as you fight.  Eventually, tanks start pouring in, and they even provide you with a Metal Slug.  It’s a pretty incredible experience, and it gets topped off by a Rebel pilot reenacting that one scene from Independence Day.  The whole thing is pretty damn amazing.

5.) Metal Slug 4 – Monkeying Around on the Final Mission

First off, you’re a monkey!  Secondly, you’re a monkey with an Uzi!  Thirdly, you’re clinging to pipes that are just out of the soldiers’ knife reach.  This allows you to safely traverse the level as they vainly try to cut you.  It’s so satisfying to finally feel invincible in a series that makes you feel so vulnerable all the time.  Seriously, you can go through a huge chunk of this level as the monkey, and none of the soldiers or tanks can reach you.  Life is good sometimes.

4.) Metal Slug 3 – Allen O’Neil & You vs. The Clones

Look at that man god as he shirtlessly mows down those clone bastards!  You guys were in a dog fight against each other not even ten minutes ago, and now here you are together wrecking everyone’s shit!  Words simply cannot describe the magnificence of this moment.  It’s best just to press your head up against the screen in order to absorb some of the manliness.

3.) Metal Slug – Final Mission

The final mission in the original Metal Slug exemplifies the trope of “One-Man Army.”  You start the mission by fucking chasing tanks, which is quickly followed by dozens of soldiers parachuting on top of you and climbing a mountain to get to you.  Clearing them out leads to a scaffolding that explodes (because everything explodes in this series, and rightfully so), dropping you onto a ship that’s getting attacked by enemy air crafts.  After shooting down everything in the sky, you have a small, soldier-filled trek before facing General Morden and his helicopter.

This entire level is just puking awesome all over the place!  You really feel like a badass as you slaughter an entire army.  And nothing’s better than slaughtering an entire army and then having a climactic battle against its leader in a helicopter.  Nothing.

2.) Metal Slug 2 – Mission 4 Joyride

Though Metal Slug 2 and Metal Slug X are pretty much the same game, this part in 2 is ruined in the X re-release, as I alluded previously in this article.  Basically, in MS2, you get a Metal Slug at the top of a hill, and you go down the hill destroying everything: the houses, the soldiers, their tanks, the ground.  Everything.  And it all explodes.  It’s so great, and it’s incredibly satisfying because a.) you’re destroying everything with a freaking tank and b.) you have the High Ground advantage.  In the Metal Slug series, it’s very rare when you’re not at a disadvantage, which is fine because badasses love being the underdog, but sometimes you just want to wreck shit, and this part in MS2 lets you do just that.

However, in X, they replaced the soldiers and tanks with the Martians, and they gave the Martians UFOs, giving them the advantage instead and effectively making this part suck.  Way to go, Martians, you dicks!

1.) Metal Slug 2 & X – You vs. Public Transportation

Metal Slug 2 and X have a part where subway trains attack you.  I’m not making this up; I’m not that awesome.  They come straight for you, and you’re able to hold them back with just your handgun.  It’s so freaking sweet!  If you’re able to hit buttons really quickly, you can actually push the damn thing back with your bullets!  My mind is too blown to even comprehend how amazing that is!  If Metal Slug ever gets adapted into a movie, which it totally should, this part better be in it!

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Metal Slug Anthology is a venerable compendium glorifying everything that’s great about slaughter, machismo, weaponry, destruction, and camaraderie.  It’s the definition of a good time, and a perfect catharsis for the suppressed male ego we all have raging within.  If you’ve even a passing interest in the Metal Slug series, then you probably already own this game.  For anyone who doesn’t own Metal Slug Anthology, I understand; with all your mani-pedis and Twilight viewings and periods, how could you even find the time to play such a badass game?

For its staggering amount of testosterone-driven gameplay and badass scenarios, I give Metal Slug Anthology a 10 out of 10 – Liam Neeson!

Liam Neeson - Fun, full of excitement, and adored by many, this title has proven again and again that it’s worth playing.  Despite its aged and repetitive mechanics, it continues to be badass and is still nice to look at, which I mean in a heterosexual, respectfully sort of way, of course.  I mean, let’s see how good you look when you’ve been in the biz for as long as this title.  I’m going to go arm wrestle and lift weights now.

Most Badass Moment – Allen O’Neil!

I’d recently purchased Knytt Underground for my Vita and begun playing it this weekend.  I’ve had the game for a week or two, but I waited until I could really devote some time to it because I’d heard it was the biggest Metroidvania game ever created.  Whoever said that wasn’t lying!  I nearly shat myself when I saw the in-game map.

Who’s ready for a rousing game of Ultra Pac-Man?

However, that wait ultimately ruined the game for me as waiting gave me time to read what others were saying about it, such as the review found in the newest issue of Game Informer.

It’s like a Kingdom of Mushrooms!  How original!

That review wasn’t very favorable for the game, though it wasn’t damning either.  In fact, the author Jeff Marchiafava said a lot of great stuff about the game.  He also said something in his article that, at the time, I thought wasn’t a very big deal, but I’d soon find that the little bug he put in my ear would affect my attitude toward the game:

“Exploring every map cell becomes a grind and requires a lot of backtracking, but I was compelled to see what happened when I rung the final bell [to save the world].  Unfortunately, the ending is an utter letdown.”  - Jeff Marchiafava

I try my best not to let people influence my gaming choices, but, considering how glowingly he’d presented the game until that sentence, this comment stayed in my mind.  Now, there’s something to be said about the power of priming because I couldn’t get Marchiafava’s comment out of my head: “the ending is an utter letdown.”  I kept thinking back to that comment and, as I played Knytt Underground, my attitude toward the game got increasingly sour.

I don’t even know where I am.  But it’s all just so pretty!

I started the game with a good enough disposition.  I love running around in Metroidvania games, and KU‘s environments were stunning, creative and creepy, sometimes simultaneously.  Yet, as I continued playing and thinking about what Marchiafava said, I found myself losing motivation.  I tried to use the game’s unique aesthetic to keep me going, but after hours of running around and then legitimately getting bored, I put the game down.

The game does a lot of things wrong.  For instance, it’s standard that you can’t reach areas in Metroidvania games until you’ve grabbed an upgrade.  KU‘s lone upgrade lets you morph into a bouncy ball, and then that’s it.  There’s no other sense of improvement you get about your character beyond getting that upgrade.  Secondly, the game only has two quests that are repeated ad nauseum: go here, and collect shit.  There’s nothing beyond that.  After you come to terms with those two realization, you’re left with a game about walking and climbing with very little enemies or obstructions.  It’s boring.

I can’t be the only person that finds these parts scary as hell.

After putting KU down, I got onto YouTube to view its ending, and… yeah, it’s ass.  It’s really bad to the point that it feels lazy.  I don’t want to spoil anything (like there’s anything to spoil), so I’ll say this: I think it’s some kind of meta joke.  Nifflas, the game’s developer, is also an in-game character who constantly breaks the fourth wall.  In the ending, he proclaims that the game’s “lack of ending” is a metaphor, one upon which he doesn’t feel inclined to elucidate apparently.

Nifflas’s in-game sprite looks amazing!

Because I love you guys, here’s my reading of the ending:

Boringness Begin:

Throughout the game, many characters impress upon you the philosophy of agnosticism, the school of thought that deities’ existence or non-existence cannot be proven.  I feel the game’s abrupt and unsatisfying ending reflects this existential uncertainty, especially in relation to the afterlife.  I think Nifflas is saying, “Be prepared for your ending not to be what you want it to be,” if you get my drift.

As melancholy as that sounds, some of the characters that express this notion of agnosticism actually have an uplifting message to send as well: Let people believe whatever they want to believe, as long as it makes them a better person.

I guess I can get behind that.

End Boringness.

Hmm… let me consult my magic 8-ball.

In the end, the poignant theme and ending, regardless of subjectivity and whether or not the execution was successful, doesn’t work because the game’s just so boring and repetitive.  One could argue that being boring and repetitive enforces the theme, but the fact of the matter is I spent $15 on a boring-ass game that didn’t satisfy me.  In any other service I’m entitled to get my money back, but – as is standard in the industries of video games, movies, and music – I’d be better off going and fucking myself.

Anyway, I feel having prior knowledge of the game’s ending shouldn’t have had so much influence over me, but because the game was just so boring I knew I had nothing to look forward to, which made quitting seem that much better.  Had I been oblivious to the awful ending, I may have endured the grinding and repetition, though my unbridled rage would have been apocalyptic.

RAGE!

What do you guys think? Is my reading of the ending on the nose or off base?  Is a game’s ending so important that it can make or break a gaming experience?  Should I give the game another go?

Let me know in the comments below!  And Thanks For Your Playing!

Hey, did you hear?  Duck Tales on the NES is being remastered for eShop, PSN, and XBLA!  They’re calling it Duck Tales: Remastered!  And the trailer is boner-efic!  And Holy shit!  WayForward is developing this!  This is a dream come true!  There’s nothing about this trailer that doesn’t make me want to jump up and down like a kid on Christmas… except the release date.  Summer 2013?  GAWD!!!!!!!!!!!!  I guess as long as they don’t pull a Rayman Legends like Ubisoft I’ll be okay, but I still have to do something with my nostalgia boner.  You know, because nobody like nostalgia blue balls.  So, in order to quench my sentimental libido, I dug out the original Duck Tales to relive the glory days of Duckburg.

Game: Duck Tales

Console: Nintendo Entertainment System

Developer: Capcom

Publisher: Capcom

Release Year: 1989

Duck Tales was one of my favorite cartoons as a kid, so when my local Blockbuster was selling their used copy you know I begged my parents to buy it for me.  And all that whining and threatening was worth it.  Duck Tales ended up being one of my favorite games on the system.  I loved it so much that it was the first game I bought when I decided to start collecting video games again.  I hunted it down specifically.  That may not seem like much now, but, back in the days before eBay and the internet, finding the game you wanted was a son of bitch.

Just booting up the game brought back so many memories, especially because it took me like four or five tries to start it up  (I kept getting those flashing screens.  Sigh, I miss having to work for my entertainment).  But once I did get it up and running, I was greeted by the theme song from the cartoon.  Man, this is going to be great!  I hope it’s as good as I remember it.

And……………………… It totally is!  Duck Tales on the NES is still freaking great to this day!  Why?  Simple:

Teach me how to McDuck!

On top of that, the game does so many other things right, too.  The most impressive is that it does the source material it’s based on justice.  The best two examples are the 8-bit cartoon theme and the fact that Launchpad still sucks as a pilot.

Right into the bee?  Thanks, Launchshit McAss!

Duck Tales also has incredibly fun and brilliantly well-executed mechanics, such as the pogo stick attack Scrooge does with his cane.  It not only lets you murder efficiently, but it’s a great alternative to dying on spikes, which was pretty avant-garde for an era where spikes meant instant death.

Vines are for poor people!

Another great – and, in this writer’s opinion, underused – mechanic is Scrooge’s golf swing.  Nothing says I’m a member of the Scottish bourgeoisie like a beautiful slice.

Scrooge doesn’t give a shit about PETA!

But the game doesn’t stop there.  Capcom really wanted to blow our minds with this game’s greatness, so they decided to make it a collect-a-thon teeming with secrets.  There’s gems that only appear if you physically occupy a specific area, permanent power ups, illusion walls (as described by Huey), Super Mario Bros.-esque over-the-wall areas, and hidden treasures.  There’s actually a hidden treasure in the game I found as a kid that, having found it, turned me into a man!  It’s where there’s a cliff that can’t be jumped, but, it you jump anyway, enemies will pop up.  If you bounce off their heads, you’ll reach the other side, get the hidden treasure, and go right to the stage boss, skipping about 90% of the level.  As a kid, it made me fell like I was the shit!

NOW YOU’RE A MAN!!!

Now, having seen the pogo stick mechanic at its best, you can imagine how disappointed I was during the snow level.  Trying to execute it then results in Scrooge getting stuck in the snow.  It adds variety to the game, but sucks nonetheless.  It’s like adding a water level; nobody likes the water level in a game!  They’re always slow and grossly different than the rest of the game, often ignoring the skills you’ve honed and grown to love.  Though, getting trapped in the snow isn’t that bad, really; in fact, it’s actually kind of hilarious.

The elderly in distress is pretty amusing.

You know what’s not hilarious?  This game’s music!  Most of the tracks are pretty good, but – my god – then there’s the Moon Theme:

It’s so majestic.  My buddy actually got married to that song.  That song has been my wife’s ring tone since I first met her ten years ago.  That song has been remixed about a billion times.  Brentalfloss gave this song lyrics (and I sing it every time I hear this song).  Everyone and their fat ugly mamas knows this song, and for good reason.  It’s just that amazing.

Duck Tales holds a special place in my heart, as I’m sure it does for everyone.  Firstly, it’s a brilliant game.  Secondly, it’s challenging and short (about 45 minutes if you don’t suck).  And lastly, it’s a licensed game that used its license to great effect.  Even after all these years, the game is still pretty damn fun. If you’re like me and can’t wait for the upcoming remastered version, I suggest busting this bad boy out if you can.

Considering the median household income for a duck is… duck’s don’t own houses.  You win this round, McDuck.

WayForward’s remake has a lot to live up to, though I’ve no doubt they’ll deliver.  Their 2D sprite work is always top notch, and they’re apparently going all out to recapture the old magic.  They hired Scrooge’s original voice actor, stating that he “is now 94 years old but he still came into the studio and did his thing like a pro.”  That’s awesome!

I will say that WayForward can’t rely solely on Duck Tales‘s nostalgia alone.  They need to modernize the experience for current gamers.  I’m sure they’ll add trophies and achievements, and I know they’re adding more areas, creating an option to make the game harder, and adding more plot, but Capcom has also stated that there will be no multiplayer. Admittedly, that doesn’t affect me.  However, I feel there will be some gamers that will be disappointed.

Anyway, Thanks for your Playing!  What do you guys think could make or break this remake?  Let me know in the comments below!

Quick! Think of some of the most badass things in the entire universe!

[Pause for Your Thinking...]

Times up!  I’m sure you thought of a bunch of things, but if Batman, monster trucks, fire, Mr. Rogers, or Luchadores didn’t come to mind, then please forfeit your testicles to your closest internet because you are a disgrace to all things that dangle.

If you did happen to think of those things, then Congratulations!  You may proceed to read my funny rambles about a game that focuses on the badassness that is the Luchador!  And that game is none other than Guacamelee!

Game: Guacamelee!

Console: PSN

Developer: Drinkbox Studios

Publisher: Drinkbox Studios

Release Year: 2013

I’ve been waiting for Guacamelee for some time now.  When I heard it was a Beat-’Em-Up/Metroidvania game, I nearly pooped my jeans.  Metroidvanias are known for their isolation, and mixing one up with a Beat-’Em-Up would certainly shatter that dynamic.  I mean, you can’t beat ‘em up if there are no ‘ems to beat.  The mash-up seemed weird at first, but then I thought, “Hey!  I hate the isolation part about Metroidvanias!”  So I got over that quickly.  Also, it starred a Luchador named Juan, and, as I’ve already established, Luchadores are badass as hell!  Just look at how Juan prepares to don his Luchador mask:

If you don’t explode your shirt to take it off, you’re doing it wrong.

Honor, Tradition, Justice, Mask-Wearing: These are the aspects of manliness that Luchadores uphold and protect on a daily basis.  Plus, they beat people up with flips and wrestling moves, and that’s a pro in my book.  I was so excited to play this game that, in order to tide me over until its release, a few friends and I decided to watch “Samson vs. The Vampire Women” starring El Santo, the greatest and most powerful Luchador in all of the world!

No, movie.  You can’t just have El Santo show up like that out of nowhere without any explanation.  It’s just too… brilliant!

But, now that the game is here and I’ve played it to completion, I have to say that it’s amazing!  The concept!  The controls!  The combat!  The colors!  Ay Dios mio, the colors!  In an industry dominated by the mentality that earth tones equal masculinity, Guacamelee puts that mindset in a head scissor and flings it out of the ring in a flourish of bombastic radiance!

Are you threatening me?

And just look at that stance!  This is the stance that Juan stays in during the entire game.  But who could blame him?  That stance looks so damn good and exudes enough virility that there’s no situation in existence that could make you look bad while you’re in it.  Take these situations for example:

Awkwardness has no place for the one in Luchador Stance!  There is only Confidence and Manliness!

The game does like to use a lot of tired internet jokes and video game references.  Most of the game references are pretty good, so I won’t spoil them here.  Part of the fun is discovering them yourself.

Aside from its aesthetic and humor, the actual gameplay is probably worth noting as well.  Basically, in Guacamelee, combat is king!  The fighting is a lot like Super Smash Bros. in that you press a direction and a button to do different attacks as well as roll-dodge all over the place.  There’s also a throwing mechanic that has you chucking enemies into each other in all manner of body slams.  And the best part is that you can connect all the melee attacks and throws into a massive Lambada of Destruction!  Pulling off a continuous string of death to an entire room of baddies can be both thrilling and rewarding.  Needless to say, combat is easily the best part of this game.  Either that or the fifty-story Frog Splash.  Both are pretty incredible.

A Frog Splash Eddie Guerrero would be proud of.

But the combat and the Frog Splash aren’t even in the same league as my favorite thing in the entire game: The Goat Fly!  A special maneuver that only the truest of Luchadores are able to preform!  Its majesty alone is enough to make a grown Chupacacbra cower in its own freshly excreted urine.

Everyone knows that Luchadores are full of magic and beef jerky.

Even though I freaking love this game, it’s not perfect. Its major drawback is that it’s easy.  There’s an unlockable hard mode, and some of the Pearls you need in order to get the game’s best ending are pretty tough to find, but I never struggled against the levels or bosses.  I still haven’t found all the chests and items in the game, but I don’t really see a reason to find them all except to get the Platinum Trophy.  But the game’s worst offense is that it reminded me that I will never be destined to do great things because I’m not a Luchador.

A fact that I must learn to cope with…

Some would argue that the game’s length is a con, but I like short games.  I beat Guacamelee in 6 1/2 hours with the good ending.  That’s plenty enough time to have fun in my opinion.  Also, I’m more likely to replay short games multiple times, so that adds to its replayability.

In conclusion, you must purchase this game!  Supporting a game like Guacamelee will let the game industry’s movers and shakers know that fun, goofy, and colorful games still have a place in the modern world!  Just know that Guacamelee is a Metroidvania through and through: you collect power ups to permanently upgrade your Luchador, you obtain special moves needed to advance to new areas on the interconnected map, and there’s back tracking.  Because, as the Luchador knows, tradition is a very powerful and honorable thing worth protecting.

Beyond that, expect tons of things to beat up!  Thanks for Your Playing!  And remember to keep your eyes on the skies!  You never know when you’ll see a Luchador on his way to his next world-saving mission!

_________________________________

On a serious note, I’d like to send my love to all the people that were affected by the horrible Boston Marathon incident.  I’ve really no words to express how deeply sorry I am for the victims, nor do I have the words to express the gratitude I felt when I saw all those people helping each other out.

“Chickens shooting each other on jetpacks?  SOLD!”  These were the exact words I spat out before I purchased Rocketbirds: Hardboiled Chicken and before my wife decided to take the kids and move back in with her mother.  I guess any other time her leaving would have bothered me, but the joke’s on her!  I have a game to play!

IT’S TIME FOR SOME JETPACTION!!!

Game: Rocketbirds: Hardboiled Chicken

Console: PSN

Developer: Ratloop

Publisher: Ratloop

Release Year: 2013

I wish I could take credit for “jetpaction,” but that delicious portmanteau comes straight from the protagonist Hardboiled Chicken’s manly mouth.  And I’m happy to report that the game has plenty more virile gems where that came from!  My favorite being this one:

Reap it!

I have no idea what it means, but Hardboiled says it right before he blows the head off of his rival!  Studly!

Rocketbirds is kind of a weird game for a couple of reasons, the first concerning its gameplay, and the second its tone.  First, the gameplay.  It’s a strange mash-up of shmup and puzzle/platformer, or, to be more specific, it’s like you’re playing Asteroids and Abe’s Oddysee, except the asteroids have been replaced by penguins with jet packs and Abe’s been given an Uzi and a shotgun.  Obviously immeasurable improvements in both cases.

The shmup sections are few and far between, comprising 3 of the game’s 15 chapters.  Though completely underutilized and short-lived, these sections are definitely fun while they last.  Basically, you play as a tiny microbe that shoots at equally tiny amoebas until the giant blimp exhausts its amoeba supply.  Then, you go inside the blimp and take it down from the inside!  LIKE A MAN!

I don’t think the guy actually says that…

The shmup fights aren’t always in this teeny-tiny mode, but it’s annoying when they are.  After taking down the blimp, you’ll return to the puzzle/platformer sections that make up the bawk of the game.

That’s a joke, son!  Ya missed it!

And if you didn’t like that joke, how’s this for bad taste: Here’s one of the in-game trophies you earn if you kick ass during these blimp sections:

Too soon, video game…

Getting that nastiness behind us, the platforming sections in RHC are everything you’d every dream from a game that plays like Abe’s Oddysee and Out of This World: Delayed as fuck.  It’s not so bad because the shooting is responsive and bloody and masculine, but I don’t know why these kinds of games (non-scrolling sidescrollers?) think that my pressing the jump button is a suggestion.  I missed plenty of jumps because of the stupid jumping delay!  Bitching aside, these sections are actually pretty great.  Some of the puzzles will make you scratch your head while the gunfights will keep you on your toes.  And, because the puzzles and fighting are spaced out and intermingled so well, neither overstay their welcome.  Plus, there’s a roll move you can do in the game that makes me laugh.

My wife’s gonna be so pissed that she missed this!

Now, let’s get to the other reason that makes this game weird: its tone.  It’s easy to see the game’s aesthetic is cartoonish.  I’d also like to point out that the animation is awesome and I love the art style, but, despite its look, the game’s unapologetically brutal.  For instance, here’s a scene right after I shot a guy.  Spoilers: that’s not ketchup on the wall.

Remember when I said I’d kill you last?  I lied.

And here’s a guy who get’s his head shot off in a cut scene:

Don’t worry, dude.  He’s probably fine.

That’s some violent shit, right there!  But at the same time it’s kind of funny seeing such horrific things happen to cartoon birds.  I don’t know if that’s telling of me or of society as a whole… In any case, I’d say the most brutal thing in this game is how you can take control of a soldier’s mind (an ability you obtain in the game) and have him commit suicide.  It’s really awkward when you have someone do it on national television.

“Chickening Out” is probably a racial slur in this game.

And sprinkled within all the gore are nuggets of comedy genius.  The enemy soldiers’ in-game dialogue is always great.  The best parts are when you take control of a soldier’s mind and encounter another soldier.  The stuff the unwitting soldiers say is dripping with so much dramatic irony that not murdering them would be a tragedy. (SUPER ENGLISH TEACHER JOKE!)

This soldier continues to say stuff like this.  I’d never laughed so hard while putting a bullet in someone’s face.

If the odd combination of excessive violence and humorous cartoony graphics isn’t risqué enough for you, the game also delves into things like torture, genocide, cloning, and children armies.  Though, to be fair, these are all presented to you through music videos, which I’ve decided is the preferred way I’d like all my exposition given to me from this point forward!

The music for this scene is done by New World Revolution.  Their brand of depressing/pretentious punk rock works really well in this game and adds a lot to the experience.  A few of their tracks are played throughout, including a particularly kick ass track called “Double Agents” that plays while you fight the final boss/your rival.  It’s an intense fight that’s way more intense if you play through the game’s toughest difficulty, Hardboiled Mode!  During this mode, bullets are scarce, you get a knife, and your rival becomes a hulking monster.  It’s always awesome when a game rewards your tenacity and skill with a tough boss.  It’s so gratifying when you finally take the bastard down.  And the teabagging is always gratifying, too.

Always.

Ultimately, this game kicked ass!  Bringing down a totalitarian government is one of the manliest things you can ever do in your life, and Rocketbirds: Hardboiled Chicken lets you do it with plenty of guns while riding a jet pack!  It doesn’t get any more badass than that!  I didn’t play the multiplayer mode because I don’t have friends, and, despite the jumping delay and the fact that having to use the Vita’s rear touchscreen to throw grenades and mind-controlling bugs are practices in frustration, the game is fun as hell and a solid single player experience.  I never got tired of sneaking up on someone and blasting them with a shotgun, but how could that ever get boring?

I’d also like to reveal that Ratloop, the game’s developer, gave me exclusive screenshots for the game’s sequel!  And by “gave me” I mean “included within the game as a reward for completing it.”  The game will be called Rocketbirds 2: Evolution, and it’s going to have Train Tanks!

HOLY CRAP MAKE THIS NOW!!!!!!!!!!

The shot of Hardboiled ramping on a motorcycle makes me want to punch things, it’s so awesome!  That’s the single thing they could have had him do to make him look manlier and more badass, and they fucking did it!  In order to keep Hardboiled as one of the manliest badasses in gaming, Ratloop needs to ditch the girly puzzle/platformer aspect and straight up rip off Contra for their sequel!  Make it happen, Ratloop!

Thanks for your Playing!  And don’t anyone point out the irony that chickens are female!  I’m well-aware of the fact.

I’m a man with an eclectic taste when it concerns video games, but there are certain genres that I enjoy over others, and one of my favorite genres is the Strategy Role Playing Game, or SRPG.  Needless to say, my love for the SRPG has made me an expert in the SRPG field, and I had always viewed myself an authority on the subject. So you can only imagine the hit to my pride as I first experienced the Fire Emblem series.

Fire Emblem is a franchise that has long alluded the West until recent years.  When I played Radiant Dawn, I was introduced and instantly humbled by Permadeath, the concept that a KO on the field means the permanent lose of that character for the rest of the game.  Playing the game became stressful and annoying, which is counterintuitive for a hobby.  So I swore never to play another game in the series.

Of course, I broke that oath as soon as the franchise hit handhelds with Shadow Dragon.  Shamelessly, I played through the first half of the game… until I just got bored with it.  SD was generic and tedious.  I then decided Fire Emblem sucked balls and played Rondo of Swords instead (that was a great decision, FYI).

It’s ironic, considering the character designs are generic as hell.

But then Fire Emblem: Awakening came to the West and blew my mind with its presentation, double teaming, and the fact that you could turn Permadeath off.  Hallelujah!  No more sweating the small stuff as I play my vidja gaymes!  So, again, I swallowed my pride to venture back into the world of Fire Emblem sans Permadeath.

Little did I know that I was playing the game completely wrong, and now my Manhood is in jeopardy.  Let me tell you why.

Game: Fire Emblem: Awakening

Console: 3DS

Developer: Intelligent Systems

Publisher: Nintendo

Release Year: 2013

First off, I want to say that I loved Fire Emblem: Awakening.  In fact, I beat it, got pissed that I beat it, started playing Luigi’s Mansion: Dark Moon, decided it sucked (seriously, I didn’t intend to have this horrible pun; I found it in editing), and started playing FE: Awakening again.  But this time, I resolved to play it the right way!

The Year of Luigi?  This is gonna be the worst year of my life.

What do I mean by “Play the game right”?  Well, there were two offenses that I made during my first playthrough.  The first of which has to do with the fact that I played like a vagina.  And I did that by…

1.) Playing Without Permadeath

Sometimes what you want isn’t what you really want, but you’re just too stupid to know any better until it’s too late.  That was exactly the case when it came to Permadeath in Awakening.  The very thing that kept me from enjoying the series is the exact thing that makes the series unique and fun.  Playing without Permadeath did in fact make the game less stressful, but it made the game far less intense, too.  In all respects, the lack of Permadeath made the game too easy, sapping the strategy and negative consequences entirely.

You’re my boy, Lon’qu!  You’re my boy!

Without Permadeath, winning each battle was as easy as charging everyone forward and recklessly attacking whomever got close because the enemies aren’t designed to overpower you.  This is made abundantly clear by the developers giving you Fredrick the Overpowered right out the gate.

“Clearing the path of pebbles” obviously meant “wrecking everybody’s ass!”

The game’s designed to have Permadeath on.  Its goal is to wipe out your characters one by one whenever you make that one bad move, ultimately screwing and defeating you in the long run with its twisted battle of attrition.  Permadeath forces you to constantly think strategically at higher levels than you would without it, and I feel completely foolish having only learned of its true value after finishing the game.

I can at least say that playing without Permadeath granted me access to view the story in its entirety and meet possibly the manliest man in all of gaming, Cervantes!

You can’t argue with science.

Playing without fear of losing my team members also deprived me of the game’s most brilliant mechanic: Relationships.  So, my second offense can be attributed to me….

2.) Being Socially Awkward

Unlike Persona 4, building relationships in Awakening has a lot of benefits.  First off, as the punchline to Tim Buckley’s comic shows in the above pic, building your characters’ relationships makes them bone each other furiously!  Or, to put it in Nintendo terms, allows them to get married and have children that gain both of the parents’ abilities.  Reaching S rank with opposite-sex characters not only produces offspring but also opens up side quests that are pretty fun.  I mean, any side quest that involves fighting and not fetching shit is great in my book.

Simulated chores?  Is that what you think we want, Games Industry?  Really?

So why didn’t I build relationships other than the fact that I’m a socially awkward gamer who lacks that ability in real life?  Because I turned off the goddamn Permadeath, that’s why!

Let me explain: Having strong relationships gives characters bonuses during battle, such as stat increases, pushing characters out of harms way, and double teaming.  To build relationships, you must either pair up units (which I never did because it essentially halved your attacks each turn, and I love me some attacking!), or attack a unit with a friendly unit adjacent to you.  Seems easy, but not when you play like you’ve got nothing to lose, which was exactly how I played without Permadeath.  I’d always surround the enemy on all four sides, creating a plus sign with the enemy in the middle.

Like this but with characters actually from Awakening.

If I would have placed a character directly next to or behind an ally, their relationship would have strengthened.  But, because I never saw the value in relationships and teaming up, I never did it.  I could send my characters in to kick some ass, gain enough experience to level up, and then die only to come back with the increased level for the next fight.  With my characters improving without having to worry about trivial things like death, who needed to make friends?  I’ll tell you who: I did.  I missed out on a bunch of the side quests, best items, best characters, and – worst of all – the ability to kick more ass than I already was. Unacceptable.

That could have been me kicking ass if only I had spent more time with my wife!

So what can I take away from my failure?  All the knowledge needed to have more fun on my second playthrough!  Fire Emblem: Awakening truly is a blast to play.  If you love SRPGs, then you owe it to yourself to play this game.  But heed my above advice; you need to play it right!  It’s going to suck, but it will pay in the long run.  Just keep your wits about you and take your time with your moves.  I promise you’ll get better.  And if you don’t, turn it off and play Luigi’s Mansion or something, wuss!

It’s really not that bad of a game, guys.  I just hate Luigi.

Thanks for your Playing!  Now I’m off to save Ylisse again!  This time with Death constantly breathing down my neck.  No more of that girly non-dying bullshit!  I’m getting my units killed LIKE A MAN!

Meet me next time for my redemption story about how I saved my Manhood and regained my Stud Status!

Last time, I posted about how lame and unmanly I was during my first playthrough of Fire Emblem: Awakening.  Long story short: I was playing it wrong by not building relationships and by playing with Permadeath off.  Playing the game like I was a 5-year-old girl has besmirched my studly reputation, and the jeering from my peers and the mocking hoots from the neighborhood children still echo as I try to sleep. My wife calling me “Fatty, Fatty Girl Panties” while I slept wasn’t helping either.

And then I told him his mom died from disappointment!

I’m sick of it!  I can’t go another day with anyone thinking I’m any less manly than Batman and Solid Snake combined!  I’m replaying Awakening right this time, and I’ll show everyone just how hardcore I really am!

Game: Fire Emblem: Awakening

Console: 3DS

Developer: Intelligent Systems

Publisher: Nintendo

Release Year: 2013

And I did it!  I went through the entire game with Permadeath on, and I hardly even got any ulcers.  To think that I dreaded playing on Classic mode because I thought it would be too stressful to be fun.  I honestly thought the game was going to hand my ass to me; but, on the contrary, it was I who was the one who redistributing the asses back to their rightful owners.

To put it plainly: I killed Awakening. I killed it so hard it was embarrassing.  That’s not to say that I didn’t lose any units or the game wasn’t challenging (at first), but I ended up beating it so harshly that I wasn’t even proud of myself afterwards.  It’s kind of like tipping over a guy in a wheelchair: you spent all that time to build up the courage to do it only to find that it wasn’t as fulfilling as you had imagined.

I feel I should be laughing way harder than this.

I played through the first half of the game normally: I had Fredrick and Kellam run out to the middle of the battlefield as bait, the enemies would “attack” them (read: miss or not hurt them at all) and get weakened by Fred and Kell’s counters, and then I’d have everyone else charge in and swarm them like a bunch of ants.   It was damn effective and never didn’t work.  This got my characters to level up pretty evenly.  The only things I had to be careful about were archers picking off my Pegasus knights and Olivia being anywhere near the battlefield.  Seriously, even if she somehow evaded an attack the wind from the swipe would give her pneumonia.  But – damn it! – she’s hooking up with Virion if it’s the last thing I do!

Dude’s so suave, even dudes can’t help but hit on him.

Anyway, so I used the ol’ “Bait ‘n Swarm” technique for the first half of the game until I realized that Chrom is a total freaking badass!  I don’t know why this revelation took so long.  I mean, his pre-battle stance more than gives it away.  He always starts each attack with his sword in the ground, and when he places his hand on the hilt his cape inexplicably blows in the wind, probably because the fabric just can’t sustain its original position with so much power and awesome happening.  I love how he throws the sword back into the ground when he kills someone like that’s where he always puts it.

Nice ax holster, cupcake.  I use the entire Earth as my sheath!

Chrom’s badassness far exceeds his pre- and post- battle stances.  He’s so incredibly hardcore that I only used him and my Avatar – who was also his wife – for the second half of the game.  Together, they were more than enough to decimate the armies of two nations, slay a god, and ultimately alter fate.  It was downright humiliating.

How is it that I can complete the second half of an SRPG with one character in less than thirty minutes?  It made the game seem kind of pointless to me.  Why even have all these other characters?  Why worry about building relationships?  Why even think about incorporating strategy at all?  Granted, I was playing the game on Normal Mode, and I’m sure Hard and Lunatic won’t have this problem, but still!  This is on Normal!  You should not be able to beat a game’s default difficulty – therefore, intended difficulty – by beefing up one character.

Chrom = EIGHT GODZILLAS!

I think this “one-man army beats the entire game” problem could be remedied if Awakening had more variety in its missions.  “Rout the Enemy” and “Defeat the Commander” are your only objectives, and even the Incredible Hulk could think those through.  I’m not saying Intelligent Systems should have added Escort Missions or Water Levels (God, no!), but adding some missions that required many units in order to be successful would have helped, such as “Don’t Let Enemy Reach the Town” or “Your Girlfriend and the District Attorney are in Two Different Locations and Must Be Rescued Simultaneously.”  Things like that.

I just wanted to use this pic.  Cervantes is so great!

Bitching aside, there’s a whole lot to love about this game.  Awakening is genuinely intense and challenging in the beginning, and building relationships is addicting and rewarding.  There have been some epic, fist-pumping moments brought on by characters knocking other characters out of Death’s grasp and then finishing off the assailant with a critical hit.  The story is decent enough to keep me interested, and the music, though lauded by many, I found to be generic yet suitable.   There’s a time travel element in the game that’s never explained, but it really didn’t matter to me; I found it both cheesy and endearing.  The characters are likable and full of personality, which makes it that much worse when one of them falls in battle.  There’s also multiplayer and DLC, but I never do that crap.

In the end, I loved me some Fire Emblem: Awakening.  It was an amazingly fun SRPG that had be screaming, cussing, gasping, sighing in relief, and fist pumping as my units protected and helped each other.  When things got intense, I was on the edge of my seat, and it was all very invigorating.  Though the difficulty in the latter half was jokingly disappointing, I had fun getting there.  Plus, there’s always Hard and Lunatic to tackle.

Thanks for your Playing!  I’d like to end this post by commemorating the brave men and women that gave there lives for Ylisse in the name of peace.

———————————————–

Maribelle

Retired from the field after one measly ax to the chest.  Though Maribelle was snooty and stuck up and condescending, she did have some nice things to say to Ricken sometimes.  Oh, and she liked to correct people’s grammar, and everyone likes that, right?  Yeah, I won’t miss her too much.

———————————————–

Gregor

Died in some random battle when an archer got a lucky critical hit on him.  It was the first and last blow he took in the war for peace.  Gregor, I’ll miss your broken English.  Unfortunately, I don’t know anything else about you because you died so quickly, so I guess that’s it.  Amen.

———————————————–

Muriel

Retired after a few arrows to the face.  It’s truly a shame.  She had that “sexy librarian” look, and her vocabulary was expansive, to put it mildly.  Her favorite pastimes included alphabetizing her books and researching.  Plus, she’s a redhead.  I feel I could have gone all the way to S Rank with her myself, if you know what I mean.

———————————————–

Vaike

Despite calling himself “Teach,” Vaike is a huge dumbass who forgot to bring his ax TO A WAR and refers to himself in the third person.  He died because I made him accompany Kellam to the center of the battlefield.  Good riddance.

Internet, I may not have long to live.  My life has been threatened, and I’m pretty sure the man out to get me WILL follow through.  I wanted to get this out as fast as I could so somebody might be able to help.  I don’t expect – or even believe – anyone can save me from this threat, but any help you all could provide would be appreciated.

You see, I recently wrote a post about Fire Emblem: Awakening.  Well, I may have accidentally cracked a few jokes at the expense of a certain sensitive, green plumber.  A couple days after I posted the Awakening article, I received this letter:

He totally writes like a kindergartener.

At first I thought it was a practical joke by one of the neighborhood kids whom I drive by and splash water from mud puddles at while they wait for the school bus.   The writing was crude enough to be from some uneducated little brat, and there was no stamp or envelop; I found the letter crumbled up in a wad and shoved in my mailbox.  I exacted my revenge with the time-honored wedging of their underwear up their butt cracks and hooking the elastic waistband on their forehead.

Classic.

Satisfied and vindicated, I went about the rest of my week unperturbed… until I received – via an email with the subject “Luigi a gonna kill you”- a link to a video from OmegaTyrant4792.  I clicked it because I was at work and screw it if they get a virus.  The video I watched was as unnerving as it was spectacularly hilarious:

Oh, no!  Obviously, OmegaTyrant4792 is Luigi’s YouTube name!  The man that has threatened to kill me has just sent me video evidence of how badass he truly is!  The above video contains Luigi kicking everybody in Super Smash Bros. Melee‘s ass WHILE HE DOES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

Holy shit!  I’m dead!  If he can beat Donkey Kong by just standing there doing nothing, then what chance do I have!?  I mean, DK can go toe-to-toe with Little Mac, and Little Mac is as badass as they come!

Now, I may be freaking out here, but I want you all to know that I’ll be confronting Luigi and meeting my inevitable end with all the dignity and honor a man has.

Minus the mustache, unfortunately…

But if there is anything – ANYTHING – you guys could contribute to my survival, by all means please leave them in the comments below.  Advice, encouragement, hints, tips, locations to where I can find weapons – anything can help!

I have to tell you, of my own volition which definitely has nothing to do with any green plumber-related reasons, that I have found THE game.  The world’s greatest game to have been created or will ever be created.  Clearly the art and science of programming video games has reached its zenith, and any attempt at making a game after its coming will seem like nothing more than a hollow husk in the shadow of this game’s greatness.  It’s as if the divine Creator Himself assembled the code necessary to create this masterpiece, this taste of His Kingdom.  Playing this game makes me feel as if I’d lost my virginity tenfold as Commando starring Arnold Schwarzenegger plays on a movie theater-sized screen in the background while Earth, Wind, and Fire preform September.  Of course I’m talking about existence’s magnum opus, Luigi’s Mansion: Dark Moon.

Game: Luigi’s Mansion: Dark Moon

Console: 3DS

Developer: Next Level Games

Publisher: Nintendo

Release Year: 2013

All right, I admit I might have laid it on a bit heavy there, much like the hand gripping my nec… I mean, much like how the fine folks over at Next Level Games slathered genius all over this game!  What I wanted to convey is just how amazingly awesome and groundbreaking Luigi’s Mansion: Dark Moon truly is.  And isn’t that Luigi fellow just the most handsome dish of linguine you ever set your eyes on?  Way better looking than that brother of his, What’s-His-Name.  But he doesn’t matter because this game’s all about the Italian Stallion himself, Luigi!

Actual gameplay footage.

And Luigi really makes this game something special.   What a brilliant idea it was for the developers to dedicate all four buttons on the D-pad to make Luigi say things.  Important things like “Hello?”  It’s remarkably riveting!  Yet the brilliance of such a flawless interface decision doesn’t make itself known until you play the epicness that is Luigi’s Mansion: Dark Moon‘s multiplayer.  The inevitable chorus of four Luigi’s – settle down, ladies! – nervously saying things – important thing! – is like holding the woman you love closely as she sweetly whispers, “I love you.  Also, here’s a monster truck.”  It’s beautiful.  Here’s an accurate reenactment by JamesertonNG of any given multiplayer session:

Exquisite.

But the actual game is so much better!  Luigi’s perpetual slowness, even as he runs, perfectly captures the urgency of him having to capture ghosts to save the world!  And the slowness’s artistic effect is compounded by the always welcome and constant interrupts of Professor E. Gadd calling you, making Luigi come to a complete halt as he searches for the phone like a total tard… I mean totally rad brah!

A video by Abdallahsmash026 of Luigi looking for his phone and not looking like a total tard.

The professor says some of the most asinine thought-provoking dialogue you’ll ever hear in a game, perfectly driving the plot forward as he stops gameplay every five seconds.  The stop-and-go tutorial/gameplay that’s present throughout the entire game is fantastic!  You know what else is fantastic?  Searching for Boos!  That totally doesn’t suck like the Poltergust 5000!  I love having to redo entire missions when I miss one.  It’s way better than capturing it and then immediately leaving the level to do better things, like playing more Luigi’s Mansion: Dark Moon!  Boy, I sure do love this game!  Especially the timed missions you get from gathering all the Boos in a mansion.  What a magnificent reward for painstakingly spending the time to search for the bastards.  Everyone loves being timed!

IT’S SO RELAXING!

As a man who needs to collect everything in a game, I sure do love going up to all the furniture and doing the same four things before I move on to the next piece of furnishing: hump the thing, then shine a light on the thing, then shine ANOTHER light on the thing, and then vacuum the thing.  It’s a winning process and is a blast to do over and over and over again!

No, it’s easily the most masculine flashlight I’ve ever seen.

So, in conclusion, if you love Luigi – and you know you do – then you could do a lot worse than play Luigi’s Mansion: Dark Moon.  Like entering a Live Bear-eating contest.  Yeah, that’s probably worse than this game.

Thanks for Your Playing.  And now that I’ve paid my debt by writing this absolutely unbiased review, I’d like to give a shout out to all the g1s over at ScrewAttack who gave me advice and survival tips.  Thanks for playing along and being hilarious!  See you next week!

—————————————————————

DarkHyruleLord, a bro of mine over on ScrewAttack, tried to give me advice, but I immediately disregarded it.  Everyone knows he’s the evilest thing in existence.  I’m sure he was trying to get me killed.

Magnum Magnus said “No one can stop the Luigi.”  That was real helpful.  I know who I’m calling next time I need help.  Sheesh.

OmegaSoldierX was pretty adamant about poison shroom gathering.  It’s too bad poison shrooms are out of season.

Luigius was optimistic at least.  “It’s too late.”  Thanks, bud.

LegendStormcrow wanted me to join Luigi’s cult or live with Boos.  Either way, I think he hates me.

blackcatv2 went out of his way to debunk others’ advice and assured me I was screwed.  Thanks, but I get enough of that attitude from my wife.

snoopthedrew said boinbloings.  A lot.

HeatBombastic suggested jumping higher than Luigi.  Well, at least he’s trying.

ThatOneGreenMushroomEater explained that it was an evil Luigi clone out to get me.  Not very helpful, but interesting, nonetheless.

Alester Reeve‘s suggestion involved two counts of kidnapping and attempted murder.  Moving on…

QuartrGuy was at least concerned about the practical things one nomrally doesn’t think about when staring death in the face.  I do have life insurance, if you must know.

Gamereviewerbr wanted me to butter Luigi up.  Sneaky, but it turned out he was smarter than your average 1st grader.

Sikkinixx screamed, “THEN WHO WAS PHONE?”  I lol’d for 5 straight minutes.  Well played, sir.

supermatt64, who I thought was my bro, said “It was nice knowing you.”  It was one of the nicer things anyone said to me.

And, finally, Noble Team 1, another bro, shouted at the top of his lungs, “LOOKS LIKE YOUR DOOM!”  I’m glad I have such great friends…

This post hits a couple milestones for me.  Firstly, it’s the first playthrough I’ve done that’s a sequel to another playthrough I’ve done.  It kind of makes me look focused and organized, which is impressive considering I have ADOTS (Attention Deficit Ooh That’s Shiny).  Secondly, this is my first reader pick.  I don’t get too many suggestions, but when I do, I like to oblige.  Today’s suggestion comes to us from g1 Fox.over at ScrewAttack.

I’ll do it!  Despite your disregard of the English language.

I wasn’t originally going to play Duck Tales 2 because, well, I’ve never played it before.  I loved the crap out of the first one, but I never even touched the sequel.  I had my reasons.  By 1993, I was 2 years in on the SNES, and the stodgy ol’ NES was thrown to the wayside.  Also, Disney sequels, regardless of the medium, leave much to be desired.

But now’s the time to set my prejudices aside so I can give this game a proper playthrough.  It’s time to solve a mystery and rewrite history!  It’s time for some Duck Tales 2!  WOO-OO!

Game: Duck Tales 2

Console: NES

Developer: Capcom

Publisher: Capcom

Release Year: 1993

What’s Duck Tales 2 all about?  This time around, Scrooge and the boys have discovered a piece of a treasure map said to show the location of a valuable treasure.  Naturally, this piques our beloved miser’s interest, and off he goes to collect a bunch of McGuffins in order to get a McGuffin!  God, I love video games!

Spit on ‘em!

So, again, Scrooge McDuck travels to exotic locales and recklessly endangers his nephews’ lives as he bludgeons all who stand in his way senseless.  All in the name of getting a little richer.  I guess being proclaimed the “richest duck in the world” during the last game’s conclusion wasn’t enough for the avian capitalist.  I tell you, that ol’ McDuck sure doesn’t know when to quit.

Leave him be.  He’ll eventually tire himself out and go down for a nap.

But it’s all for the best because this game kicks ass, though DT2 honestly doesn’t do much more than its predecessor: the graphics are identical and the mechanics – such as pogo-ing and golf swinging – are the same.  Also, the music from the first was far superior (Moon Theme, amirite?)  The game does add some new mechanics, like hooking and dragging objects with your cane and hooking and hanging from objects by your cane.  It’s not much, but it seems like an obvious function of a cane, and it adds variety to the platforming.  Seriously, I would have thought of hooking the cane on stuff before using it as a pogo stick, but I guess that’s why I’m not a video game programmer.

How do you make things happen!?

Regardless of my programming ineptitude, I still would have known better than to “Ninja Gaiden” this game with shitty bird placement.  You know what I mean: making birds or bats appear mid-jump over a pit.  DT2 has a few instances of this tomfoolery.

“Yeah, let’s put a bird right on the falling bridge.”  -Some asshole at Capcom, probably the same asshole who cancelled Mega Man Legends 3 and thought Rocket Raccoon was a good pick for Marvel vs. Capcom 3.

There’s also an instance where your trust is completely betrayed as you walk through a secret path only to find a secret hole of death.  I’d have been mad if it wasn’t so hilarious.

Some things are best kept secret.  Like secret holes of death.

It’s all good, though.  The game does a lot of things right.  For example, remember how the first game had a level select screen, but ultimately it didn’t matter where you started?  DT2 brings it back, but this time picking your starting point is crucial.  Granted, it’s not game breaking if you start in the wrong spot, but it’ll save you time if you go in a certain order.  Why’s that?  Because this game has Gyro!  And If you find him, he’ll upgrade your cane to be more destructive, which in turn allows access to more hidden areas and secrets.

Thanks, Gyro.  Because possession of destructive weapons is exactly what we want for our senior citizens.

Another great thing the sequel has over the original is you can actually do something with all that old coot’s money!  It seems love for the Almighty Dollar is inherited because Scrooge’s nephews want their share of the adventure’s loot, and, since it doesn’t look like the old duck’s kicking the bucket any time soon, the boys set up shop to siphon their senile uncle’s pockets.  The prices are criminal, but the items are useful: you can buy a cake to heal yourself, upgrades to increase your maximum life, and a piece of the map.  Wow, that’s dirty, kids.

“What a dick move, Huey.  That’s my boy!”

The last great things about DT2 are its puzzles and secrets.  There are only two puzzles in the game, but they’re whoppers!  I actually had to pull up GameFAQs because I couldn’t figure them out.  My wife caught me and called me a pussy.  I deserved it.

“I was going to make fun of your penis size, but what’s the point…”

After looking at the answers, it became clear that the tools to figure them out yourself were present in the game.  I just missed them and got lazy, I guess.  But that wasn’t the only thing I couldn’t figure out.  Remember the map pieces?  Well, those are hidden throughout the game, and some of those bastards are hard to find.  On my first playthrough, I only found 4 of the 7, which caused me to miss the “best” ending.  After breaking down and checking GameFAQs, I found all the secrets in the game and was awarded the “best” ending: An extra static frame strewn in among the others with no fanfare.  Whoopie.

The “Best” Ending.  You’re welcome, Internet.

Oh, well.  It was worth at least playing through and seeing all there was to see in this game.  I had a blast with Duck Tales 2, and, to be honest, I actually like it better than the original Duck Tales on the NES.  DT2 does everything the original did but bigger and better: more levels, more secrets, a purpose for the money, character upgrades.  The only thing the first game had over its sequel was better music and Gizmo Duck.  I kind of feel that Capcom should have remastered this game instead of its predecessor, or they should combine the two into one cohesive package.  Now that would be sweet!  Go ahead and do that, Capcom.  You know, because you’re so well known for listening to your fans.

I’m just a little bitter.  And I hate Rocket Raccoon so much!

Thanks for your Playing!  And thanks to g1 Fox for his suggestion.  Without it, I may not have played such an awesome game!

Do you have a game you’d like me to riff?  From the obscure to the crap to the great, all games are welcome!  Leave your suggestions in the comments below!

So I made this completely unnecessary yet angelic and elegant piece of greatness to hang in my office at work, and I wanted to share it because I knew you guys would find it proportionately transcendent and manly.  I present to you, in all its majesty and glory, my Punch Out!! Project Poster!!

It’s equal parts “Badass” and “Beautiful.”

I created this 11″ x 14″ poster as a fun and interesting way to let my team know what we should be working on and what we need to keep on our radar.  I also made it as a reminder to myself about what these projects really are to me: Obstacles in my way that I’m going to take down, regardless of the odds.  Because that’s exactly what Little Mac represents to me: the Tenacious Underdog in all of Us.  If you work hard enough with direction, you’re going to win.  And as goofy as that sounds, viewing things in this perspective really gets me pumped and motivated and ready to kick ass!

And now, the Punch Out!! theme as performed by the Russian National Choir.

The project topics in the middle are removable, held in place by Velcro strips.  The Mario Ref is also removable and can be placed next to the project I’m currently focusing on.  Each are printed on glossy paper and look amazing popping out from the poster.

The character proportions are a tad off…

Each project is represented by a different Punch Out!! opponent.  For our current projects, I chose my favorite 8-bit boxers from the NES classic: the seemingly invulnerable King Hippo, the original One-Hit KO Monster Bald Bull, and the perpetually pecs-flexing Super Macho Man.  Off to the left you have the Dynamite Kid himself, “Iron” Mike Tyson, flexing and winking.  And then there’s Little Mac at the bottom, poised and ready to take them all down.  Of course, Doc is in the bottom right corner cheering Mac on.  I was going to have him say something funny from the game, but I decided to keep it positive and coherent.

If you really analysis this, it’s the punctuation that’s the best part.

Punch Out!! has always been one of my favorite series.  I remember playing the shit out of the original when it was brand new (to date myself, I was in kindergarten).  Having this hanging in my office means a lot to me, despite how juvenile it looks.  Looking at this poster makes me want to finish my work so I can take on the next thing.  Ironically, there have been times when I find myself staring at it instead of actually being productive.  But how could I not!  It’s just so damn outstanding!

I plan on making all sorts of sweet stuff to put in my office.  Maybe a Sonic-themed banner that shows my progress on a project or goal?  Hmm…

Anyway, I felt this poster was too awesome not to share.  What do you think?  Pretty sweet, eh?  If you have any ideas for future projects or would just like to lavish praise on my genius, feel free to do so in the comments below.

That’s not lens flare; that happens every time he winks.

So, I made this sweet thing last week that I’m super proud of, and it made me want to play Punch Out!! again.  Because, honestly, when is it ever not a good idea to play Punch Out!!?  Whoa… punctuation overload there…

Anyway, a good buddy of mine and his wife came over and, for shits and giggles, we decided to play Punch Out!! on the Wii.  We took turns kicking ass and passing the controller every time we won or lost a fight.  We ended up beating everyone the first time through and having a lot of fun.  Seriously, there’s nothing like talking shit to your friend’s wife because she lost to Glass Joe again!

And that is exactly why women shouldn’t be allowed to vote!

Having played through the game for the 50th time, I thought maybe I should talk about how awesome it is.  So I will.  AND YOU’LL READ IT!

Game: Punch Out!!

Console: Wii

Developer: Next Level Games

Publisher: Nintendo

Release Year: 2009

I chose to talk about the Wii version instead of the others in the series because it’s my favorite.  Super Punch Out!! is next and the original on NES comes in last place.  It seems weird that I’d prefer the newest version over the legendary original, and, though I freaking love the NES classic, its sequels refined the already perfect gameplay and added more graphically and mechanically.

I consider the Wii version to be the perfect amalgamation of the other games.  It’s pretty much a reboot of the first game, and it adds the “hidden” ways to beat the boxers very quickly as first introduced in Super Punch Out!!  I’m not talking about hitting Bald Bull at just the right moment.  That was in the first game.  I’m talking about counter punches: they try to hit low with a right, but you do it first, stunning them prematurely.  Do it enough, and it’ll trigger a goofy animation, allowing you to KO anyone in the first round.  It was my favorite thing about Super Punch Out!!, and it makes me happy to see it in this version.

Seeing this also makes me happy.

Punch Out!! Wii also has all the characters from the original (minus Tyson/Mr. Dream) and it added Bear Hugger and Aran Ryan from Super Punch Out!! as well as Donkey Kong!  Disco Kid’s there too, but I’ll let that slide because Aran Ryan is just so crazy and great.  Because of him I tell everybody I hate on a daily basis that they’re “pretty like my sister!”  I also inquiry if they have cheeseburgers in their gloves, regardless of whether or not they’re actually wearing gloves.

Those Irish sure do like foaming at the mouth.

Another great thing brought in from Super Punch Out!! was the Time Trial Mode where you can fight any boxer at any time.  What makes the Wii version’s mode superior are the optional objectives you can complete as well, such as “Win without Dodging” or “KO in 1st round.”  Achieving perfection and finding new ways to do things is the kind of thing I eat up, and it really brings focus to what Punch Out!! truly is: A Puzzle game.

This next jab’s the line piece, fat ass!

There’s so many other great things about this game.  I’m utterly gay for the Bout Theme and listen to it all the time.  I was pleasantly surprised to hear all its iterations in this game.  The theme actually changes every fight to reflect your opponent’s nationality: Soda Popinski’s has a Russian choir, Aran Ryan’s has flutes, and Don Flamenco’s has those clicky things prevalent in traditional Spanish music.  Those themes are great and all, but I feel Nintendo missed out by not including the best version of the Bout Theme by The Adventures Of Duane & BrandO.

I’ll file this in the “Greatest Things to Ever Happen” folder.

All your opponents are just fantastic as well.  Despite being stereotypes, each still brings a hell of a lot of personality to the ring with their pre-match cut scenes, over-the-top actions, and infectiously quotable and hilarious catchphrases… if they speak English.  The only negative critique I have about this game is the lack of subtitles for the non-English speaking boxers.  Next Level Games really missed an opportunity to add more charm and hilarity to these boxers.  But other than that, this game is damn-near perfect.

And how could one talk about the greatness of Punch Out!! without bringing up that American apple pie institution that is the Montage?

FUCK YEAH!

Yes, the montage.  There are many variants to the formula, but the spirit of any montage is the same: show great improvement in as little screen time as possible, all while playing a kick ass song in the background!  You got your Cleaning Montage (Revenge of the Nerds), your Dating Montage (Dirty Dancing), and – my personal favorite – the Training Montage (The Karate Kid, Rocky I – VI).  Hell, the Training Montage is so effective even Fluttershy from My Little Pony gets one!

Don’t look at me like that!  I have two daughters.

But Little Mac, he takes the cake when it comes to montages.  He’s so badass that he gets FOUR to show everyone how hardcore he is.  That’s about as many montages as Rocky gets in Rocky IV.  And that was barely enough to take out one Russian.  In the same amount of montages, Mac takes down a Russian and almost every other nation’s representative in the world!  That’s mathematical proof that Little Mac could beat Rocky Balboa in the ring.

He’s coming for you, Rocky!

The last awesome thing I want to talk about is Title Defense Mode.  After you beat everyone and become the champ, you have to face everyone again, effectively doubling play time.  Superficially, it seems like a lazy way to prolong the game.  Thankfully, the developers were all like, “Fuck that noise.  Now it’s going to be hard as Hell!”  And Hell must be pretty damn hard because shit just got real.  I mean, did I really just lose to Glass Joe?  Really!?

You know my friend’s wife never shut up about it.

If you haven’t played Punch Out!! on the Wii yet, then you should seriously reconsider gaming as your hobby because you’re doing it wrong.  Punch Out!! exemplifies everything that’s spectacular about video games: the challenge; the reward; the charm; the simplicity; the depth; and, most importantly, the fun.  This game is almost always in my Wii, and I go back to it on a monthly basis.  Little Mac is one of my favorite video game characters, and – trust me when I say this – when you play this game and you get knocked down for the 3rd time in a round and all hope becomes visibly sapped from your body, you’ll become a Little Mac fan too when you see him get angry and continue to fight instead of hitting the floor.  I honestly get goose bumps every time I see it.  If I said I had a gaming role model, that honor would go to Little Mac.

Not this Little Mac, though…