Over on ScrewAttack, a g1 named Dallinag runs a blog called Ask the Experts.  On this blog, he sends random questions for other g1s to answer.  He then posts the answers for the entire community to view, and hilarity ensues.  Recently, I had been asked to be an expert on the blog.  The following was my response:

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Since my first two questions involved Hakan, I made the executive decision to lump them together.   Considering I’m the expert, I think you’ll all find my decision to be final. Furthermore, to answer such personal questions, I decided an interview with Hakan himself would be the best way to get to the bottom of these pressing inquiries.  The following is a summary of the event:

1. How come Hakan has red skin?

Me: “Hakan, thank you for meeting me at this restaurant after seeing that movie with me.  How are you today?”

Hakan: “Doing much gooder now that you have finally done the calling to ask me out.” [fidgets a bit and twirls his hair]

Me: “Understandable.  Hakan, the internet must know: What’s up with your red skin?”

Hakan: “Ah! You are liking the redness of Hakan’s baby-smooth skin, yes? [scoots chair around table] “You want to touchy?”

Me: “You’re making the internet wait.  Juat answer the question.”

Hakan: [disheartened] “No Turkey for you today, I see.  Well, this is not a thing I like to share, but Hakan actually training to be champion hot-tubber.”

Me: “That’s a thing?”

Hakan: “Of course! It on ESPN every other November!  Hot-tubbers must stay in hot tub for longest time.  Winner get much accolades in Turkey.  Is very competitive.”

Me: “And the red skin?”

Hakan: ‘Hot tub very… how do you say in English?   Hot?” [farts] “Staying in tub for long times make skin into red. Do you like the hotness, Mr. Juce?” [inches closer]

Me: “Depends.  You the champ?”

Hakan: “Unfortunate, no.  That title belong to baboon named Betty.  She 5-time champ.  Hakan always come in second.”

Me: “Then we’re finished.” [rises from chair and turns to leave]

Hakan: [grabs Bygjuce's sleeve] “Wait! You must be having another question?”

Me: “As a matter of fact, I do.  Let’s walk.”

[They leave restaurant]

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2. Do you think Hakan's blue, curly hair is natural or dyed?

[BygJuce and Hakan stop at Hakan's door]

Me: “Hakan, this starlit walk with you has been wonderful.”

Hakan: [blushing, probably] “Yes, it has…” [leans in close]

Me: [turns head] “Hakan, I must know: Is your blue, curly hair natural?”

Hakan: “Oh, so you are wanting to know if carpet is matching the drapes, eh?”

Me: “Quit playing games with me, Hakan!  Just answer the damn question!”

Hakan: [stares in silence. Then, exhales slowly and looks down] “No. The blueness is chemical reaction with bad oil I made for oil wrestling.  It… is false color of hair.”

Me: [moments of silence pass.   Then, resolutely] “I think this interview is over.  Forever.  Please never call me for a follow up again.” [turns on heels and briskly walks away]

Hakan: [yelling] “Bygjuce!  Wait!”

Me: [stops. Street light overhead. Back to Hakan] “I think I hear your wife and daughters calling you.” [steps forward and out of the light.  Footsteps become more distant until inaudible.  Lights fade.]

[End Scene]

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3. Where does Lara Croft keep all that rope she uses for rope arrows?

I’m surprised more people don’t know this.  Lara gets all her rope from Steve’s Rope-porium, located just south of Interstate 125 next to the White Castle off Exit 23.

Lara gets all her roping needs satisfied by the good folks over at Steve’s Rope-porium! It’s an American-owned company specializing in ropes and rope accessories.  A joint venture between Steve’s Ropes ‘N Junk and the bright folks over at Apeture Science, Steve’s Rope-porium is able to deliver unlimited quantities of its ropes directly into your pocket or backpack using the latest in portal technology!

Visit your local Steve’s Rope-porium today!  And don’t forget to sign up for Enrichment classes at Apeture Science Labs while you’re there!

4. Why are there no good hats for the Medic?

The Medic is a no-good bum who’s a bad influence on everything, especially his hats!  Now his no-good hats are corrupting everyone!  Just when you think you know a guy… BAM!  He ends up being a spy and stabs everyone on your team’s back.  That no-good Medic and his no-good hats are ruining the fun for everyone.  They have got to go, lest we all fall sway to their shenanigans.

5. Why would I need a gaming console to watch television on my television?

Because the Internet needs more memes!

Hey, Internet!  For anyone who follows me on Twitter (@BygJuce), you’d know that I went to Philadelphia this past weekend to kick its manliness up to 11!  I had a hell of a good time despite my kids falling asleep and forcing me to carry them (50 lbs. gets real freaking heavy after an hour).  I met a lot of cool artists, fellow geeks, and gorgeous celebrities, including Stan Lee, Lou Ferrigno, William “”The Shat” Shatner, and the entire cast of Firefly – minus Nathan Fillion who was scheduled but canceled because of other obligations.

Though the cool merchandise and the star appeal is great, I really go to these conventions for one thing: Cosplayers!  I don’t cosplay myself because by wife would divorce me out of embarrassment, but I do appreciate me some good cosplayers when I see ‘em.  So I’d like to share my favorite pastime: Photographing my favorite heroes and villains doing mundane things!  Yay!

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Spawn caught reading a newspaper.

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Gandalf and a luchador preparing for battle, probably against the drug dealer offering them a joint.

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The Cobra Commander going Green.

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Rorschach and Marry Poppins sharing a laugh with a random puppet.

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Deadpool suiting up with Harley Quinn.  Would the Joker approve?

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He’s too busy enjoying his carbonated beverage.  Where’s Batman during all this?

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Batman himself is stuck waiting in line for an over-priced hotdog.

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Speaking of Batman, Terry McGinnis just arrived!

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Nearby, two brothers of legend prepare their packed lunch.

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Meanwhile, Sephiroth scrutinizes the expensive action figures.

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Sgt. Slaughter kicking the conventions manliness up to 12!

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There are no words…

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Now, for your entertainment, I present to you the individuals who chose to break race barrier.  Using Blacula as my guide, I took it upon myself to name these new characters.

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Blante and Chef Deadpool posing with my dumb-ass finger blocking the lens.

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Blatman illustrating proper posture while surfing.

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Blorpion is about to get Toasty on my ass!

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And from Power Rangers, the Black Ranger and the Black Ranger.

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Lastly, some miscellaneous things.  First, I found a Blank and commissioned an artist to combine my favorite Marvel hero with something my daughters love:

HA!  What a delicious pun!

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Next, the all time funniest shirt I have ever had the pleasure of awkwardly rubbing my face against:

If viewing this didn’t make you poop with laughter, you’re either too young or don’t have a soul.

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Lastly, I’d like to present “BygJuce’s Greatest Costume” Award!  And this prestigious and coveted honor goes to…

The Red Jaguars!

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Congratulations to the Red Jaguars who not only had the funniest and therefore best costume, but also for showing dedication by epically failing at piecing the Shrine of the Silver Monkey together so miserably that I got frustrated and started yelling at them.  Ah, just like old times!

There you go!  I hope you got a few laughs out of this.  If you guys have any good stories about any conventions you’ve been to, make sure to leave them in the comments below.  Also, if you’re not following me on Twitter yet, fix that immediately!  Just find @BygJuce and click that follow button.

Thanks for your Playing!

Ladies and gentlemen, E3 2013 is underway, and I have to say that it has not disappointed me one bit, mostly because I’ve never given a shit about Xbox.  And it’s my lack of shits for the Xbox that makes this E3 so much better.  With their awful stances on used games and always-on internet connectivity alienating their own fanbase, Xbox has pretty much dug themselves a hole deep enough to put in all of Bill Gates’s money.  Now THAT’S a pretty big hole!  Moreover, Microsoft’s reps keep putting their damn feet in their mouths with the stupid shit they say.  You want to play 360 and XBLA games on your shiny new Xbox One?  “Tough titty,” connotes Don Mattrick, Microsoft Head of Interactive Entertainment Business.  He thinks “if you’re backwards compatible, you’re really backwards.”  Thanks, dick hole.  That’s exactly how you don’t piss off your customers.

“You replay your old games?  I thought everyone gave their old crap to the help.”

Well, he can’t do anymore damage, right?  I mean, someone in Microsoft’s PR team would squelch any further provocations from Mr. Mattrick immediately if… ah, you know I’m just messing with you.  Of course Mattrick’s not done being a jack off yet.  When asked about customers without internet connection, Mr. Mattrick said, “fortunately we have a product for people who aren’t able to get some form of connectivity, it’s called Xbox 360.”  Ouch, good call on that one, Don.  Why not just piss off your established fanbase more by burning wheelbarrows full of money live on stage?  Because that’s pretty much what you did by telling people “Don’t buy our shiny new system!  We already got one for sell!  Derp!  Derp!  Derp!”

“Derp!”

As if that we’re enough, along comes Sony with their new PS4.  It was a pretty decent conference, all in all.  Too much talking for my tastes, but not too hateful… in the sense that I’m not Microsoft.  Sony took some spiteful stabs at Microsoft during the show.  Sony was subtle enough, putting up on their enormous screen the facts that used games work on their system and the PS4 doesn’t always have to be online.  It seems weird that that would be a bullet point during a conference, but it was met with so much applause that it was obviously necessary.

I read it on the internet, so it must be true.

To put more salt into Microsoft’s wounds, the PS4 will be selling for $400 while their tyrannical competitor goes for $500. That’s a cool $100 cheaper for the Japanese giant’s machine for those reaching for their calculators.  Considering the PS4 lets you do more for less, I think it might be looking bad for the Xbone.

Dogs don’t know it’s not bullshit.

But all these facts are boring.  What’s not boring is this informative tutorial Sony released:

Oh, snap!  Without context, that video would have been confusing and easily forgotten; however, anyone caught up on gaming’s current affairs knows exactly what that video is doing. That incendiary piece of propaganda is the beginning of a Console War, my friends.  And like Franklin Roosevelt during WW2, I couldn’t be more thrilled for a war.

“Fuck Xbox.”  – FDR

Think about it: When was the last time we had a good ol’ fashioned Console War?  Of course we’ve always had fanboys, but we haven’t had companies doing any real and brutal mudslinging since the 16-bit Era!  Sure, we had Crash Bandicoot trash talking Nintendo through his megaphone, but that was like watching a seagull attack a newborn baby turtle crawling to the ocean: we all knew Sony was going to win that war.  But during the time when the Genesis Did What Nintendidn’t, we didn’t know who was going to prevail.  Both systems were just so damn good, despite neither side admitting it.  And during that war, we got some of the greatest video games of all time (arguably).  Who’s to say a new Console War won’t bring about new masterpieces?  One could dream, though I can still remember the crap that spawned during the original Console War.  My God, there were mascots and fighting games everywhere!

The horror… the horror…

What do you think?  You think a heated Console War could do the industry some good, maybe even revitalize developers?  I’m staying optimistic.  I can’t wait to see where all this goes!  Man, it makes me feel like a kid again!

Finally, a game that has all the appeal one would expect from being a men’s room janitor.  That may sound sarcastic, but I assure you that that statement was written with all the respect a men’s room sanitation engineering simulation deserves. At long last, we’ve been given a place to chronicle proper men’s room etiquette as well as bring to the public consciousness the plight of the average men’s facility’s current condition of disrepair.  Indeed, this game may very well herald a new era of education for all men, young and old.  Of course, I’m talking about that pioneer of the sterility sim, Men’s Room Mayhem.  Let’s all keep an open mind as we take a look at this anthropological study of the inner workings and cultural practices of nature’s most fascinating beast in its most sacred habitat: The Men’s Public Restroom.

Game: Men’s Room Mayhem

Console: iOS Devices, PS Vita

Developer: Sawfly Studios

Publisher: Ripstone Games

Release Year: 2013

While playing Men’s Room Mayhem, I discerned three (3) interesting observations that I feel exemplify the true nature of Man as they enter into the unwelcome yet necessary institution of communal masculine hygiene known colloquially as “The Men’s Room.”  I postulate that any Man, regardless of creed or educational upbringing, inevitably reverts or regresses to a more primal mental state as they cross the physical threshold from civilization to – as one subject endearingly refers to it – the “crap tank.”  Yet, this regression does not siphon man of all his mental faculties.  You’ll soon discover my meaning as you peruse my report.

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Observation #1

Upon initially playing Men’s Room Mayhem, I noticed how aimlessly the subjects wandered about the area.  It was obvious they understood that they needed to be there, but their capacity to recall or discern any meaningful reasons as to why they were at the location was beyond them.  I continued to watch as the subjects rambled to and fro in the facility, rebounding off walls and various porcelain objects.  Each subject remained disoriented in their senseless promenade until - I dare not say it.  But I must!  For Science! - they could no longer master control of their… waste.

It would seem one of my TAs took it upon himself to explain this photo…

As clearly seen in the above photograph, the subjects, in their stuporous state, had no choice but to defecate on their very person!  How repulsive!  To think that a man – a sentient being whose very birthright is to be elevated above other animals – must void his bowels into his own pantaloons!  What manner of persuasion this wretched locality has over the civilized mind!

After watching the subjects repeatedly urinate and discharge into their undergarments and, subsequently, the floor, I decided to intervene (one can only watch for so long!).  Using my right index finger, I generated a path from the subject to a urinal.  Astonishingly, the subject, like a duckling following its mother, began following the line I had just authored!

With this breakthrough, I began directing the subjects from the commode to the sink to the exit.  It was invigorating to see such progress in such little time!  However, as one may predict, this became laborious and cumbersome as time and their incessant obsequiousness persisted.

One can actually “feel” the grime as one traces on the floor.  Exhilarating!

Soon, the taxing nature of constant supervision began taking its toll, ultimately depleting my stamina and causing me to fumble haphazardly; moreover, frustration quickly set in as the speed and dexterity required to facilitate the subjects’ every movement weren’t reciprocated by the Vita’s interface, e.g. THE DAMN THING WOULDN’T MAKE MY LINES IF I WENT TOO FAST!  Ahem… pardon my ejaculation.  Anyway, over time, my paths became curvilinear and lackadaisical until they – disastrously – overlapped.  It was at this instance I serendipitously discovered the answer to a question I had yet to inquire: What would happen if two subjects made contact in this environment?

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Observation #2

Any contact between two males in the public lavatory environment will inevitably turn into a violent physical confrontation.  This was a fact made all too clear during my tenure as “Urination and Defecation Director.”  Originally, I surmised the first individuals had pre-existing history that caused them to behave like barbarians, but I was able to replicate the situation in every instances, leading to the conclusion that this behavior is unavoidable and expected.  Though satisfied with that solution, I eventually found myself purposefully intersecting subjects’ paths.  A side effect of prolonged Men’s Room exposure, or unconscious, innate masculine desire for violence and dominance?

My colleagues are instructing me to discontinue any further “pretentious douchbagery.”  I’ve made note to research the term later.

Primitive, sure, but it can’t be helped.  Why, just the other day an unknown fellow innocuously brushed up against me while I was washing my hands.  In accordance with the unwritten laws of the public male restroom, I instantaneously balled up my fist and let the old man have it right on his nose, knocking him clear out of his wheelchair!

Victory!

Under normal conditions in any other locale, I’d have felt abhorrent.  Yet, in the Men’s room, this atrocious action left me feeling liberated!  Unfortunately in Men’s Room Mayhem, this behavior is frowned upon and is restricted.  Essentially, you’re given a five-stain limit.  Every time a subject relieves himself on the floor or enters combat with another subject, a stain develops in their stead.  Once the limit is exceeded, you forfeit the game and must try again.

Primitive drawings such as this can be found on every stall, typically accompanied by myriad boogers.

Though savagery is abound in the public bathroom milieu, extended exposure reveals something incredible that exists among the blood, urine, and excrement: a culture.

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Observation #3

It seems miraculous that something so intrinsically human can survive in a place so beastly that stall doors are considered optional accessories.  However, Men’s Room Etiquette exists, and Men’s Room Mayhem celebrates this dichotomy by awarding all players’ adherence with bonus points.  The rule of etiquette rewarded in this simulation is known as “Urinal Order.”

One subject stated that the empty urinal is a measure to prevent seeing “dong.”

When one enters a facility with complete urinal section vacancy, it behooves that individual to take either the first or last urinal.  The next individual to enter shall then take the urinal two spaces away from the occupied urinal, leaving a urinal open between the two.  This pattern is to be repeated by all in attendance until every other stall is filled.  This formation maximizes efficiency, deters the taboo of conversation, and lessens the likelihood of accidental glances of other men’s genitalia, an act looked down upon by many patrons.

The fact that this manner of civility resides in such a dismal plane only strengthens my initial postulation that, despite the observed mental regression, not all of humanity is drained from its inhabitants.  Perhaps there’s still hope for these fragile and impressionable creatures?  More data is required before a solution to such a hypothesis can be ascertained.  But I’m optimistic.

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Having played through Men’s Room Mayhem, I conclude that this peculiar title has its idiosyncrasies and its shortcomings, mostly with the interface.  However, it’s still a remarkably fascinating and jovial romp!  As a scientist and researcher, I appreciate its anthropological relevance; as a man, I luxuriate in the poop jokes and the fights; as a gamer, I can honestly say you can do worse with a couple of bucks.

Thanks for your Playing!

Last week was E3, and this happened:

I’m sure a bunch of other stuff happened, but after watching this I no longer cared.  Mega Man trashing the mascots of Nintendo is just so euphoric.  It’s enough to give you a raging nerd boner, while the vague “2014″ release date is enough to give you droopy nerd blue balls.

If this image didn’t make you puke in sheer delight, then you’ve no right to call yourself a gamer.

Like so many others, I’m a huge fan of the Blue Bomber, so much so that I’m pretty sure I’ve watched 5-days worth of that minute-and-a-half-video.  Suffice it to say, I’m pretty damn stoked for the new Smash Bros.  In an obvious effort to placate potential rioters, Nintendo released Mega Man II, III, and IV onto its Wii U eShop shortly after the reveal.  Naturally, I purchased these games because they’re awesome and only cost me a buck each, and, really, you can’t beat that price, especially since 2 of the 3 are my favorite games in the whole wide world!  Now, this raises the question: “Which one do I play first?”  Mega Man II, of course!  It’s the best!  So here I go!

Game: Mega Man II

Console: Nintendo Entertainment System

Developer: Capcom

Publisher: Capcom

Release Year: 200X

Man, just look at that box art.  Incredible.

Before I geek out all over the place, I must mention that Mega Man II almost didn’t happen. Because of the original’s low sales, the team that designed MM1 had to strike a deal with Capcom in order for them to make MM2, which shouldn’t surprise anyone that Capcom didn’t want anything to do with Mega Man even back then.  Basically, the developers could only make MM2 as long as they worked on other projects as well, making MM2 a labor of love, and labors of love always make the best games (play Cave Story if you don’t believe me).

Considering MM2 was just a side project completed in four months, it blows my mind how freaking amazing it is.  Everything in the game was just done right.  For example, the intro screen.  I know you’ve seen it, but click on the link anyway.  It’s always worth watching again.  That opening scene, with its tone-setting music and cinematic panning, is as iconic as it comes.  Seeing it as a kid hooked me like no other game.  Mega Man was real, and he was ready to fight!

I still get goosebumps.

The game’s level design is just so fun and memorable, too.  Except for Quick Man’s stage.  That shit gives me ulcers.

FUCKITALMOSTGOTME!

Despite its difficulty, I still love that level.  And every other level in the game is just as sweet: Woodman’s stage with its fire-breathing robo-wolves; Air Man’s with its air fortresses; Metal Man’s with its gears and conveyor belts; and Bubble Man’s, Flash Man’s and Heat Man’s stages filling in the video game trope requiring every game to have water, ice and fire levels, respectively.  Granted, a water level hadn’t been done in a Mega Man game yet, and the developers did a great job by making Mega Man’s underwater jumps feel like a robot jumping under water.  Also, they did switch things up by bringing back the first game’s disappearing blocks and putting them in Heat Man’s fire level. Those blocks were on an ice level in the original game.  I don’t know why, but when I was a kid that really caught me off guard.  Too bad I had Item #2!

Ridin’ dirty.

Crash Man’s level’s probably the weakest.  It’s not very fun or memorable.  Every other Robot Master’s stage followed a theme.  Heat Man shoots fire; therefore, fire level!  Air Man?  Sky level!  And so on. Crash Man shoots timed mines, yet his level looks like a plumber’s nightmare with tiny Deathstars tangled in the pipes.  That might sound pretty cool, but what the hell does that have to do with bombs!?

Don’t tell me.  I want to preserve the magic.

This game also introduced Wily’s Castle.  The stages are pretty good, especially when that freaking dragon comes out of nowhere while you’re jumping on boxes over an abyss.  Yeah, I’m sure that didn’t scar kids for life, Capcom.

Yeah, Mega Man’s pink.  Shut up.

But I would be remiss in thinking I could talk about Wily’s stages without bringing up the best thing about MM2: its music.  Every track in this game is pure greatness in sonic form, and most are some of the best NES tunes you’ll likely hear on the system.  Case and point: “Wily’s Castle 1 & 2 Theme.”

Who doesn’t love this track?

This and the “MM2 Intro Theme” are played during Mega Man’s Smash Bros. reveal.  I really liked how “Wily’s Castle 1 & 2 Theme” starts after Mega Man gets pissed and starts throwing saw blades (the lesson: Don’t piss off robots).  But did you hear the music playing as he’s down on one knee sparking all over the place?  I’m pretty sure that’s the beginning percussion to one of my favorite tracks from this game, “Wood Man’s Theme.”

Tell me I’m wrong, Internet!  You won’t!

If you’re keeping track, that’s three tracks chosen from MM2.  And that’s no coincidence because all the tracks in this game are sweet.  Personally, my favorite Mega Man track of all time has to be “Air Man’s Theme.”  It’s damn catchy, and then there’s the “solo” where it goes everywhere and shreds your face off:

Your face has just been shredded off.  I warned you.

The game’s music is so great artists are constantly remixing its tracks as well as adding lyrics to them and using them to compose rap epics.  If you don’t know this game’s music by now, get on that shit.

So, anyway, I guess I did kind of geek out there for a little bit.  Didn’t I say I actually played this game recently?  Maybe I should talk about that.  Yeah, fine.  Whatever.

After downloading MM2 onto my WiiU (because what the fuck else do I have to play on that thing?), I immediately reverted to a kid again.  Except this time I could actually beat the damn thing.  It took me about an hour and fifteen minutes to beat it, which isn’t bad, I guess.  I couldn’t remember what order to beat the Robot Masters in, so I beat Metal Man first and used his weapon to kill everything in the entire game.  Seriously, that weapon is so gloriously broken.  It shoots in eight directions, is ridiculously powerful, and uses next-to-no energy.  Plus, half of the Robot Masters are weak to it, including Metal Man himself!  His own weapon can take him out in one hit!

It’s genius, really.  Who would have thought to use his own weapon against him?

I guess I’ve really nothing more to say about it.  Everyone’s played it, and everyone loves it.  I can at least say it still holds up today.  It’s as fun as ever, and it’s pretty hard, though it’s really not that hard.  I could feel that way because I’ve beaten the game a billion times, but it’s probably because I know to unleash the power of the Metal Blades.  Seriously, get those and you win the game.

Or die trying!

This game holds a special place in my heart as I’m sure it does for a lot of gamers.  I honestly feel sorry for younger gamers because you guys will never get to experience this game for the greatness it originally was.  To you guys, Mega Man 2 is more of a footnote in video game history than a nostalgic piece of your childhood.  To me and other older gamers, MM2 is one of the greatest games of all time.  Replaying it and hearing the sound effects and music and re-experiencing the levels for the billionth time still makes me feel like a kid.  There are very few games that can take me back to my childhood and allow me to relive all those great memories of growing up.

There!  I’m finally done talking about Mega Man 2.  I can’t imagine anybody who hasn’t played it yet, but, if you do exist, please stop shaving Big Foot, get out of your U.F.O., and play this freaking game.

Thanks for your Playing!  What’s your favorite Mega Man game?  What’s your favorite Mega Man tune?  What’s your favorite Mega Man memory?  Let me know in the comments below!  And now, for your enjoyment, this!

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful!

Perusing the Internet, I found some people pitting Superman from the new Man of Steel against Iron Man in some pretty heated debates.  The arguments involved either Supes belittling the Avengers because it took 6 of them to take down 1 measly alien invasion or Tony using Math (my only weakness!) to discuss the damage Supes caused during his little fight with Zod.  If you haven’t seen these altercations, take a peek.

I personally find these arguments to be stupid, but I know that there are passionate people on both sides of this titanic match up. So I decided that I should end this silly feud by bringing it to its logically conclusion.  I think both sides will find the result to be satisfactory.  You’re welcome in advance.

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A few months later at an unknown location

Bygjuce: Stop being a pansy and watch the damn commercial like a man!  Tune out that Sarah McLachlan song, stare those abused puppies right in their adorable eyes, and feel NOTHING!!!!!!!

NT1: But I’m only human!  And those puppies look so sad…

Bygjuce: *Smacks Nobleteam1 in the face* You’re more than that!  You’re a Man!  Now, put on this karate outfit.  It’s time for your montage.  I’m gonna start the music.  You just start doing random stuff and gradually get better at them.  GO!

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One Montage later.

Bygjuce: What I like about Cheese Land are all the curves, which make for a lot of tight drifting. There’s also those sweet shortcuts with the red, bouncy things.  If you drift and angle yourself just right, you’ll jump over the wall separating the two roads and make killer time.  It’s ridiculous at how much fun it is to do.  Also, Mouser from SMB2 is all over the place on this track, and he’s pretty kickass.  Seriously, a bomb-throwing mouse who wears shades?  That shit’s cool, son!

NT1: If you can’t like a place called Cheese Land, you better be Lactose Intolerance.  Besides sounding delicious, there are sweet jumps this track provides, alongside those tense turns like my manly mentor stated. Well, besides that, I really like the upbeat music to this track as it doesn’t sound like the generic super upbeat Mario Circuit track, plus you can kill mice as well if you have the Starman, which is another bonus.

Bygjuce: It’s true; killing shit always makes things better, especially in Mario Kart!

NT1: Yeah, my master here is right as smashing your foes after they’ve been stunned by lighting is truly one great feeling HAHA!

Bygjuce: And for all you Lactose Intolerant little girls whining about how you tummies hurt, rub some dirt on it, walk it off, and get your ass down to Cheese Land!

NT1: I think we should move on to the next track before all these people throw at how awesome this track is WITH A BETTER TRACK! AKA #9 ON OUR LIST and curse you TEMPORARILY LOCK IN CAPS LOCK!

Man does the moon have some great cheesy music.

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7.) Luigi’s Mansion

Bygjuce: Speaking of things that suck, we might as well get Luigi’s Mansion out of the way.  The track doesn’t suck; it totally kicks ass!  I just hate Luigi so much.  Seriously, he’s as unmanly as it can get!  Doesn’t he know that vacuums are for women?

NT1: To many, Luigi’s Mansion is a place in which the plumber’s brother just goes to suck up things and ask where his brother is constantly.  However, there is more to that fabled place as it’s also one of the best tracks in the Mario Kart series ( I know that’s just crazy). What makes this track great is its generally creepy vibe, especially with the Boo Buddies you’ll see throughout this track.  Though those walking trees are creepy, too. And all this creepiness while having what to me is the creepiest music in the Mario Kart series.

Bygjuce: Yeah, yeah.  Creepy, shmeepy.  Real men don’t dwell on that kinda bullshit!  You know what real men like about this track?  You get to race through a freaking mansion and tear Luigi’s carpet up!  Drifting down a hallway is just so damn amazing!

NT1: Yeah, well, I think it’s time to leave Luigi’s Mansion as my sensei here tends to show all his love for Luigi by wrecking his mansion.  So, yeah, we should go anywhere else.  Hell, even a Park would be nice.

Bygjuce once tried to make Luigi manly, it didn’t work out at all.

I’m taking a look back at a game that was requested by none other than the evilest entity to ever terrorize ScrewAttack, DarkHyruleLord!  Despite the fact that he wrote a manlier article than me and forced me to buy him a steak, I’ve decided to let bygones be bygones and take him up on his request, especially considering I forgot to put the poison in the brine…

Anyway, it also helps that Sin & Punishment: Star Successor is quite honestly my FAVORITE GAME OF ALL TIME!  No joke; if I made a Top Ten list of my favorite games, this game might hit number 1.  Why’s that?  Well, slow down there, Mr. Impatient!  I’ll tell you “Why’s that” in just a second, ya ungrateful, good for nothin’ kids with your smart tablets and your hula hoops and… [rambling continues inaudibly]

Game: Sin & Punishment: Star Successor

Console: Wii

Developer: Treasure

Publisher: Nintendo

Release Year: 2010

Sin & Punishment: Star Successor is a Wii exclusive and the sequel to the N64′s import darling, Sin and Punishment.  Being import only, you may not have played the original.  But fret not, for it was released on the Wii Virtual Console back in 2007 with translated menus, as to not upset our delicate Western sensibilities.  It’s a great game (with the entire second half of the second stage being one of the coolest action sequences I’ve ever seen!), but it didn’t come without its faults, by which I’m referring to its controls.  They weren’t terrible, but it felt awkward controlling the onscreen avatar and its reticule at the same time.  And let’s not forget to mention the brilliantly awful voice acting and atrocious graphics.

Should I be afraid of a cluster of triangles?  Meh.  I’m shooting it anyway.

Thankfully, its sequel, Star Successor, doesn’t have these same problems.  The graphics, while sub par in relation to its contemporaries, are pretty good, and the gameplay is silky smooth!  Holy crap, how I love flying and dodging around the screen with the nunchuk while blowing shit up with the Wii Remote!  It’s so satisfying that I’m willing to forget that they continued the tradition of terrible dialogue and delivery.

It’s so bad that it went past “so bad, it’s good” right back to just plain “bad.”

I also felt like the protagonist’s character models were a little too stout and dumpy, like they’re smushed a little. Also, Kachi, the female protagonist, reminds me of the things from Dark Crystal, and that movie always creeped me out.

Eww…

Those quibbles aside, I’ve nothing else negative to say about this glorious game because it’s just so damn perfect. For starters, the game was developed by Treasure, and Treasure’s specialty is to create the craziest, weirdest, most fun and most difficult games you’ll ever experience.  And they are damn good at what they do: Gunstar Heroes, Dynamite Headdy, Alien Soldier, Mischief Makers, Guardian Heroes.  All of these games are batshit loopy and fun as hell!  You know what else these games have in common with Star Successor?  The gameplay strikes that perfect balance of being difficulty yet rewarding.  And Star Successor exemplifies this.

Over 80% of this screen is currently trying to kill you.

Star Successor plays like an on-rails shooter where you use your Wii Remote like a light gun.  The whole experience comes across as very arcade-like: the set pieces are varied and frequent, you’re almost always moving forward with action constantly filling the screen to the point of sensory overload, and there’s an emphasis on high scores.  You don’t get anything for scores beyond bragging rights on the leaderboards, but it’s a great throwback to the days of old.  Plus, who doesn’t like getting a numerical value for all the fancy shooting you just did?  However, shooting isn’t the only thing you need to do.  You also have an onscreen avatar, Isa or Kachi, to maneuver as well.

Unlike the first game in the series, movement isn’t restricted to only running.  Isa and Kachi each have an object that lets them fly at will; Isa has a disco ball fashioned into a backpack while Kachi goes all Marty McFly and kicks ass on a hoverboard!

I’m still holding out for 2015.  Make it happen, Science!

This flying mechanic really works in the game’s favor.  It not only allows for superior control and more evasive options, but it also lets you enjoy the environments as they zoom by.  That is, if you’re able to drink in the scenery while dodging countless lasers and returning fire.  If so, you’ll be treated to some pretty imaginative environments.  Most are standard sci-fi fodder, but the second stage with its water tubes is really awesome.  Also, there’s an air fortress, and air fortresses are always cool.  All that aside, Isa and Kachi’s movement is reminiscent of Star Fox with its on-rails shooting and continual forward-moving pace, but they control and move much more dynamically than Arwings.

Oh, that’s your answer for everything!

Isa and Kachi also have the always amazing dodge maneuver that inexplicably grants invincibility!  And trust me, you’re going to need it in this game!  Despite being published by Nintendo, this game will kick you in the balls for sucking.  There’s shit constantly being shot at you at every second, and, keeping with the Treasure tradition, the game loves throwing boss fights at you any chance it gets.  Each stage can last up to 30+ minutes, and you’re guaranteed to have fought at least 6 bosses before any given stage ends.  With 8 stages (counting stage 0), that makes for a meaty action game with plenty of screen-filling bosses.  You definitely cannot play this game in one sitting.  The focus needed to survive the relentless onslaught of lasers and missiles will tire you out after a couple stages, not to mention the difficulty.

This is a fight!?  What in the… I don’t even…

Though the game is difficult, it’s very generous with its checkpoints.  There will never be a time when you have to redo a huge chunk of a stage.  Most checkpoints are right before bosses.  If you die, you get to pick up right where you left off.  Fight a boss enough times and you’re bound to figure out how to beat it.

PRO TIP: Shoot it in the face!

Now, let’s talk about what really matters: Combat!  Like Othello, it’s easy to pick up, yet hard to master.  Of course, you’ll be shooting shit perpetually by pointing the Wii Remote at the screen; that’s obvious.  Who doesn’t go into a shooter with unlimited ammo and not hold down the trigger the whole time?  It’s suicide not to and guarantees that things will be exploding the entire time you’re playing, which is very important!  The side effects of not always shooting include, but are not limited to, getting your ass kicked and being called a feminine version of your name by me.

Your trigger finger getting tired, DarkHyruleLady?

You have your standard shot, and then you got your badass charged shot!  As the name implies, charging your weapon can deliver some sweet pain to your enemies.  Isa gets the ultra manly “Super Explosive Ball o’ Death” that devastates nearly everything onscreen, while Kachi gets Panzer Dragoon-like multi-homing lasers that devastate enough, I guess.

It could be about 20% more devastating.

Shooting is cool and all, but where the game really shines is with its melee combat!  Simply press the trigger when an enemy is within “Derp, I’m Stupid” distance, and you’ll unleash a destructive physical assault hitherto unknown to this region, but destined to take the place of Chuck Norris in your mythology!  And if watching the light from your enemies’ eyes distinguish right in front of you isn’t badass enough, how’s kicking missiles and lasers back at your enemy sound?

AMERICA!!!

Rebounding projectiles with well-timed melee attacks adds the always addicting “risk/reward factor” that all great games have.  It’s super satisfying, fun as hell to do, and knocks a huge piece of life from the boss’s life bar.  Plus, you’re kicking missiles, for shit’s sake!  That’s reward enough!

If you’re crazy, you can put this game on Hard Mode and really get your ass handed to you.  To the game’s credit, it does Hard Mode right.  Instead of just having enemies do more damage or take more hits, the developers actually added more attacks to the bosses’ repertoire.  Games rarely do that, and it caught me off guard when an enemy whose pattern I’d memorized started doing different attacks.  More games should do that; it’s a greater incentive to replay.

“More Fire” is always an effective strategy.  Always.

Finally, I want to mention Tag Mode.  If you beat the game with both Isa and Kachi, you can play with both characters at the same time, each with their own life bar and charge meter.  It’s a sweet mechanic that makes replaying an already excellent game that much better.  Seriously, getting through Hard Mode without enabling Tag Mode sounds like the physical equivalent of listening to smooth jazz.

Ugh!  I’d rather play as Luigi.

If you haven’t played Sin & Punishment: Star Successor, you need to.  It typifies exactly what an action game should play like: frantic, fast, and fun!  Really, it’s a miracle that the game even got a Western release, considering the original never left Japan; moreover, Treasure is notorious for not creating sequels.  The fact that this exists implies that it’s something special.  Just do yourself a favor and pick it up.  And don’t give me that “But it’s too hard and upsets my lady parts!”  There’s an Easy Mode that won’t disturb your precious ovaries.

Well, Thanks for your Playing!  You may have noticed I didn’t mention the story or plot at all.  There’s a good reason for that: they’re stupid as Hell.  But lucky you!  That’s exactly what I’ll be discussing next week!  Please join me as I highlight the ridiculousness and badass-ness of this game’s epic saga. Until then, I’d like to thank DarkHyruleLord for the suggestion and again ask everyone to place their suggestions in the comments below.

Recently, I stumbled upon an excellent promotion Nintendo is doing – I presume – to promote their forthcoming crossover game.  If you register Fire Emblem: Awakening and Shin Megami Tensei IV on your Club Nintendo account, you will be given $30 of free eShop credit to do whatever you want with!  Free money AND two kick ass RPGs on my 3DS?  I’m so in!

Now, if you were anything like me, you now have $30 of free eShop credit and no idea how to use it.  Don’t worry!  I’m here to help.  With my “How To Spend Your Free $30 eShop Credit Guide,” I’ll show you the games I purchased with my free credit so you can spend your hard-earned credit on great, quality games in no time!  And this revolutionary guide is yours for absolutely FREE!  Simply scroll your eyes downward to enjoy your free guide.

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Gunman Clive – $1.99

Gunman Clive is a side-scrolling shooter in the vein of Mega Man.  If that’s not enough for you to buy it, how about the fact that it’s really good and only $2?  The art style is really cool with its sketched-and-lightly-shaded aesthetic, and the 3D effects are utilized very well.  The music is standard Spaghetti Western affair, but it’s done well.  The sound effects are classic with gunshots sounding like “pews” and explosions sounding like “pops.”  Plus, cake heals you in this game, as it heals everything in real life, too.

The game is incredibly short, though.  I beat it 3 times in about 1 and a quarter hours: my first playthrough with Clive, my second on Hard mode with Ms. Johnson, and my third on Duck Mode (yeah, that’s a thing apparently.  And it’s awesome).  Beyond its length, there’s really nothing bringing this game down.  It just does everything so right.

The best part about Gunman Clive is its variety.  Though the trip is short, you’ll be doing a lot of things: riding in mine carts, flying on a rocket, and platforming against shifting gravity. The game is made from love for everything retro in gaming, and the two-man development team behind it sure do show it.  With old-school gaming tropes like inexplicable moving platforms (a propeller on a rock is still pretty farfetched) and relying on the presentation to tell the story instead of text, Gunman Clive is an amazingly well-crafted homage to old-school gaming.

If you like running and shooting things, then you can’t go wrong with Gunman Clive.  Though short, it’s a great game to jump back into and replay to beat your best times.  And you will believe Cowboys can breathe in space.

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VVVVVV – $7.99

VVVVVV wins the award for dumbest name for a video game.  But don’t let its name fool you; this game is fantastic!  It’s created to look like a Commodore 64 game, which is all right, I guess. I never played the C64; however, that didn’t detract from the fun I had while playing it.  The mechanic the game revolves around is flipping gravity.  With a touch of a button, you can send Captain Viridian to the ceiling.  Press the button again, and you go back to the floor.  It’s simple, it’s easy, and it’s been done before.  But VVVVVV’s level design and scenarios give you plenty of fresh takes on this mechanic. Add in the crushing difficulty and copiously forgiving amount of checkpoints, and you’ve got yourself a great and challenging experience with none of the frustration that’s perfect for on-the-go gaming.

The music in this game is definitely another highlight.  Expectedly, it’s all chiptune and awesome.  I can’t really articulate its greatness.  You’ll just have to go have a listen yourself.

The game also has a story.  I haven’t completed VVVVVV, but the plot hasn’t blown my mind yet.  It’s good enough to give players motivation, and that’s all I really ask for in my platform games.  That, and hidden objects to find, which this game totally has!

VVVVVV is pretty damn fun so far.  Even not having finished the game, I can say it’s easily worth your time.  Disregard the dumb name, and go have yourself a good time.

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Mutant Mudds – $8.99

Mutant Mudds makes me want to scream like a little school girl because it’s so fun!  Being a dude, of course I express my emotions of happiness with excessive drinking and beef jerky eating instead.

Anyway, Mutant Mudds is very old school with its presentation.  Of course there’s the pixel graphics and the insanely incredible chiptune soundtrack, but the progression and story are very old school as well. For starters, there’s no story given to you.  There’s a few frames in the opening cut scene showing the protagonist and his grandma sitting in their living room as they watch the news show an asteroid hitting Earth and bringing aliens.  Then, the next scene is the first level.  Poignant and straight to the action.  Now that’s a game!

Mutant Mudds is also a collect-athon, which I love when done right, which Mutant Mudds totally does!  Apparently, you need to collect 100 Golden Diamonds on each level to buy upgrades, and there are 3 McGuffins to collect on each level. Once a McGuffin is collected, the level ends.  This means there are several ways to end a level, making alternate routes in familiar levels a possibility.  I freaking love that in games, especially when the levels are short. Thankfully, Mutant Mudds gets that right too, making for ideal portable gaming.

Another interesting thing Mutant Mudds does is scaling.  The protagonist can jump between the background and the foreground and continue on his merry way.  There are times when the sprites are too big for my tastes, but it’s part of the experience, and it’s done in short bursts so it’s not too intrusive or nauseating.  Because of this plane leaping, I decided to play the game with the 3D effect on full blast.  It was pretty cool!  I really don’t like 3D that much, but it was fun to watch your guy jump from the foreground to the background in 3D.

I haven’t finished it yet, but Mutant Mudds is shaping up to be an outstanding game.  I hear it gets difficult, and that’s perfectly fine with me.  I can’t wait to shoot and jetpack my way to the game’s end.  Check this game out.

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Shantae: Risky’s Revenge – $11.99

I love Way Forward. They’ve made some of the greatest 2D games of our generation.  Regrettably, I have never played a Shantae game despite everybody’s pleas.  The games do look fun, and Shantae herself looks to be an interesting character with her I Dream of Genie design and giggly demeanor.  Plus, her games apparently play like Metroidvania games. A sexy half-genie character in a Metroidvania by Way Forward?  Just shut up and take my money!

I haven’t got to play it too much yet, but my first impression is that it’s awesome.  Given Way Forward’s pedigree and the general consensus of the internet, I doubt I’ll be disappointed.  Now, I’ll just click here to download it and…

Insufficient funds?  Crap!  I’m about $2 short. Hmm… Can I just add a couple of bucks?  What’s the minimum?  10 DOLLARS!!!  SON OF A BITCH!  You got me again, Nintendo!  It looks like I need to make another guide.

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Shantae – $4.99

Since Shantae: Risky’s Revenge is a sequel, I should probably check out the first game in the series.  It’s rumored to come out very soon on the 3DS Virtual Console.  When it does, I’m on it!

As for the other $3, I guess I’ll save it for a rainy day.  I’m holding out for Gunman Clive 2.

Thanks for your Playing!  Let me know what games you’d spend the $30 on.  Or just list me off some great 3DS eShop games.  I’m sure there are plenty more awesome games I can try.

Last week, I wrote about the awesomeness that is Sin & Punishment: Star Successor.  I had a lot of fun replaying one of my favorite games of all time.  I wrote about its controls and mechanics, graphics and environments, and fun factor; however, there was a glaring omission in that review.Up to this point, I’ve avoided one aspect of the game that I find to be… just plain weird: the story.  To me, plots and character development are secondary to gameplay.  Judging by this game’s ridiculousness, I think Treasure feels the same way.  Oh, Sin & Punishment: Star Successor has a plot.  It’s just that most of it is in the instruction manual and never referred to in game, which can make for some serious WTF moments for the player.  But the game isn’t just weird for the sake of weirdness; there are some genuine Badass moments to be had here as well.  Today, I’d like to celebrate the unique juxtaposition of stupid and awesome that can only be found in Treasure games.  It’s time for me to pay tribute to Sin & Punishment: Star Successor‘s WTF and Badass Moments!

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These are the moments that happen and just can’t be unseen.  You’ve no idea what just went down, and you’re left just kind of standing there in disbelief as everything else goes on as normal.  You feel violated and kind of dirty, but you endure because, if you don’t, you’ll succumb to the same madness.  The following are the most WTF moments in this game.

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4.) It’s Only a Flesh Wound

At the beginning of Stage 1, Kachi falls on a rusty pipe and gets impaled.  Sounds likes a problem, but no.  Kachi jumps off of it, giggles, and then it’s onto more exploding stuff.

It’s never explained why she can get impaled and keep on trucking.  They do keep referring to her as a “monster” in game, and the manual says she’s a creation from “The Creators.”  Hell, the game’s secret ending reveals that she’s actually Achi, the main villain from the original game (if you don’t like Spoilers, please disregard that previous sentence).  However, none of that means anything to me, and her powers and such are never explained.  This scene is the only time the player sees her do anything supernatural.

I can at least concede that she’s some kind of powerful being and move on.  It’s just this scene is a little out there with her nonchalant attitude towards impalement.

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3.) Dolphins: The Killer Klowns from Outer Space of the Sea

The second stage’s final boss is pretty unique.  He’s best described as a shape-shifting man in a suit.  He has 3 forms, but it’s his last I’m a little confused on.  For his final form, instead of turning into a badass, 200 foot Great White Shark or a windsurfing gorilla juggling chainsaws and smaller, poisonous gorillas, he opts to take you out by becoming 5 dolphins.

WHAT!?  Dolphins?  Really?  Apparently Treasure feels threatened by the aquatic mammals, and they’re finally exposing them for the murderous bastards they are.  It may seem silly, because it totally is, but it’s hard to argue their threatening nature when they have things called Dolphin Rape Caves.

Regardless, for a character with shape-shifting abilities and therefore limitless possibilities, why dolphins, Treasure?  Granted, it’s a pretty badass and fun fight.  I guess it’s their “Thinking Outside the Box” mentality that makes for good games.

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2.) Spine and Nervous System Camera

What the…?  The hell is this?  Where’d you come from?

This… thing… just pops up in a cut scene at the end of stage one, watching Isa and Kachi Dr. Claw-style, sans cat.  AND THEN HE’S NEVER SEEN AGAIN!  He’s never explained, never referred to, and nowhere in the instruction manual.

Ugh, he’s gross and pissing me off.  Moving on…

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1.) Newborn Monster Attacks with Crane

It’s true.  The most WTF moment in this game revolves around a newborn monster operating a crane in order to kill you.  It’s the most bizarre and head-scratching thing I’ve seen in a long time.  I’d have loved to have been a fly on the wall during the development of this fight.  It makes absolutely no sense.  Here’s the rundown:

You kill a large monster, it spits out its baby into a LAKE OF LAVA before she dies, the heroes become cautiously optimistic as they mourn the baby’s death, then a crane claw grabs one of the characters and the fight begins with the baby at the crane’s controls.

I’ve got nothing.  There’s no use in wasting jokes on this.  It’s already perfect.  Well done, Treasure.  Well done.

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Now that we got the weird shit out of the way, let’s move onto what really matters: The Badass Moments!  This game’s freaking full of badassness, but which are the badass-est?  Let’s find out!

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4.) The Soundtrack Reminds me of Gunstar Heroes

Okay, this isn’t exactly a moment, but it had to be said.  Gunstar Heroes is one of my favorite games of all time.  There were many nights my brother and I wasted on this masterpiece of gaming, and its very distinct music was always a highlight for me.  Hearing it nowadays takes me straight back to the days when it was brand new and my brother and I had some great times together.

Sin & Punishment: Star Successor‘s soundtrack was made by the same composer, Norio Hanzawa.  His music is very electronic, upbeat, and awesome.  While playing through Star Successor, there were times when its music hit me and I felt like I was playing Gunstar Heroes as a kid again.  That is very badass.

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3.) School Girl Sword Fight

The third stage’s near-final boss (this game has so many boss fights) is against a samurai chick wearing a school uniform, and she likes trying to cut your head off with her katana.  Thankfully, you can counter decapitation with a well-timed melee attack that knocks her back.  Do it a couple of times and she gets dizzy, allowing for follow up strikes a la Punch Out!!

It’s always fun to counter bosses’ attacks, but it’s especially satisfying during this encounter.  I don’t know if it’s because she’s using a sword or because her and Isa have a Mr. & Mrs’ Smith sexual tension thing going on during the fight, but it’s just plain fun.  The best part is when you kick her ass so much that she turns the Sword Fight into a Laser Fight, which is also badass by the way.

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2.) Death by Train

Remember the “Newborn Monster Attacks with Crane” entry?  Well, here’s that baby’s mother right before you kill her.  You can see her chasing you in the rear view mirror at the top of screen.  Why do you suddenly have a rear view mirror?  Because video games!

You need to use the mirror to gauge where the furious mama is so you can unlatch train cars to hit her in the face.  Each time a train car hits her, it’s followed by an enormous explosion.  It’s just so awesome.  Hit her in the face with enough train cars, and she eventually goes down.  Just like a woman; can’t handle her train cars.

This fight is just so unique and badass.  The tension you feel as you run up the train and send cars at your enormous, fireball-hurling pursuer is a great feeling indeed, compounded by the epicness of watching the cars connect and explode in her face.  This is truly a badass moment.

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1.) Giving Jet Skiers the Ol’ Slip

Stage 2 is a marvel to look at.  Isa describes it as “underwater tunnels,” but that’s a bit of an understatement as it looks like the civil engineer responsible for its construction was freaking Moses himself.  The tunnels are actually hollow swirling pathways in the ocean.  It’s a really neat idea that was pulled off very well.

The best part of this entire stage is when soldiers on jet skis start attacking.  They come in waves of four and are easy enough to dispatch, but when Isa and Kachi get wise to their shenanigans is when it gets epic.  At one point Isa crashes through the swirling water barrier as the jet skiers come from behind, putting the soldiers at a terrible disadvantage and giving Isa an excellent vantage point to take them out.  It’s just so cool to see your attackers get outsmarted so brutally.  It’s this combination of guile and intuitiveness that makes this the most badass moment in Sin & Punishment: Star Successor.

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Sometimes in life, things can’t be classified because, well, they’re just… different.  While making my WTF and Badass lists, I stumbled upon some moments that could really go both ways.  The following entries were too WTF for Badass Town, but too Badass for WTF Town.

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4.) Deadly Combination

Stage 5 is a boring old desert level.  It’s not much to look at, but you’re on a vehicle/alien donkey speeding down a highway most of the time, so it’s not so bad.  What makes this stage so memorable is its bosses.  The first is a tiger the burrows in the sand, and the second is a huge bird.  They’re okay, but it’s when they get together the party starts!  Literally.  The getting together part, I mean.  Not the party…

Anyway, you think you’re scot-free when, suddenly, the tiger and bird you beat earlier in the level return and straight up Voltron their asses together!  Now, instead of kicking it in Mt. Fuji, you’re stuck dodging the claws of this bird/cat monstrosity.

It’s so stupid, but at the same time it harkens back to the days of Power Rangers and the like, and that’s awesome.  But you want to know the best part?  After beating it, it actually lets you ride it Falcor-style to Mt. Fuji!  Amazing!

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3.) It’s Time for a Good Ol’ Fashioned Texas Strap Match, J.R.!

That’s totally a professional wrestling reference, by the way.  Because the Texas Strap Match is type of match they do in professional wrestling. For the uninitiated, a Texas Strap Match is when two wrestlers are literally strapped together by a long leather belt at their wrists.  They then typically beat and choke each other with the strap.  It’s as brutal and manly as it sounds!

For the final boss on stage 6, Isa gets strapped together to General Deko, and the two proceed to go at it mano e mano, complete with Flash Kicks and Shoryukens!  And if you start to pussy out and run away, Deko will drag your candy ass back by the wrist.  It’s completely fucking insane.  To top it off, there’s a bomb that’s about to go off, too.  Treasure went through some great pains to ensure they hit all the “Rivals finally face off” trope.  Hell, Deko even has your girl tied up and screaming during the fight.

It’s this kind of over-the-top greatness that makes this encounter work for me.  I’m even willing to forgive the fact that this spontaneous Fighting Game broke out in the middle of my Shooter without prompting the player on how to do anything.  Don’t you just love forced mechanics introduced without notice?

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2.) Ram Chuckin’

I don’t even know how to describe this.

In the middle of stage 6, a flock of mutant rams charge at you while warships fire at you in the distance.  Being attacked on two fronts, what’s a guy to do?  Why, hurl one at the other, course!  And that’s exactly what you can do!  Simply bat or punt the oncoming rams at just the right moment to send them bleating at the oppressive warships.  It may sound completely stupid, and it is, but you can’t argue with results.  As soon as a ram makes contact with a ship, the explosion brightens the already engulfed sky.

Really, Treasure?  I can’t believe this actually left the bong-filled break room.

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1.) All of Level 7

The final level is just the most ridiculous yet badass thing to ever grace a video game.

For starters, Isa and Kachi merge together to create whatever that thing in the above pic is.  I’ve no idea, but it’s apparently like the Incredible Hulk: super strong and uncontrollable.  However, the fusion with Kachi gives Isa control of this never-mentioned-before-this-moment super form of death.  So yay!

Anyway, next you have to explode a bunch of shit in space because reasons, I guess.  By this point, I had become jaded to the game’s nonsense and decided to just revel in the action and explosions, which is more than good enough for me.  Then, there’s a boss gauntlet with all the dudes you beat earlier in the game.  Unlike Mega Man, Star Successor gives you completely new bosses to fight, which is badass.  Also, the group watches you as you fight each member, another Gunstar Heroes reference uping this game’s badass-ness.  Finally, after enduring the gauntlet, you fight the final boss, which is reminiscent of the original game’s climax.

As you can probably guess, this final stage is boss fight Hell, and I love it!  Each boss you fight is the weirdest and craziest construct to ever leave the fevered mind of the insane person it crawled out of.  And just when you think you fought the strangest thing ever, here comes the next boss, twice as strange and trippy!  And each fight is intense and satisfying when you finally overcome it.  The stage is equal parts WTF and Badass, and that’s why it’s number one, baby!

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I hope you enjoyed this two-week odyssey.  Sin & Punishment: Star Successor is an outstanding game full of fun, excitement, explosions, and Industrial-strength, Japan-grade weirdness!  I can’t even fathom the kind of human being who wouldn’t find this game to be fun.  If that person exists, just stop.  You’re not needed here.

Thanks for your Playing!  I’ll see you all next week, hopefully not with some bad news…

I love video game music!  I have a 6-Disc CD changer in my car, and 5 are exclusive to video game music soundtracks or mixes I’ve made with video game music on them (the 6th CD is some crap my wife put in there.  I have to give her something).  I’m also a huge fan of Heavy Metal.  In my spare time, I go on the ol’ YouTubes and find talented guys and gals that metal up some of my favorite gaming tunes.  But I got to listening to some of my 8- and 16-Bit library the other day and thought, “Wow, some of these tracks are already metal enough!”  Today, I’d like to acknowledge these tracks for the badass chiptune pioneers that they are!  Here’s the rules:

1.) Only 8- and 16-Bit games are eligible.

2.) Only 1 track per franchise.

3.) No CD games!  They’re too high quality; plus, they can actually hold recordings or real instruments.  That’s cheating!

4.) They have to be METAL!!!!!!  If that needs to be explained to you, then please leave.  That is all.

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10.) Soldier Blade – Operation 1

Soldier Blade on the TG-16 is an amazing shmup with some outstanding music.  I picked the first level’s track because I love the percussion.  You can actually hear that simulated bass drum in there as well as a faux cymbal splash every so often.  The energy from this track is also amazing.  A great intro to a great game.  Space explosions should always come with a Metal soundtrack.  Always.

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9.) Space Harrier – Haya-Oh Theme

This track plays during the final boss fight in Space Harrier.  This music rocks while you fight a huge dragon made of fire, so it’s only appropriate that it kicks ass.  The rhythm tune is fast and constant, making it perfect for Metal.  And the lead tune at the very beginning sounds like it could make for some sweet vocalizing, sort of like that sweet part in “Faithfully” by Journey.  Get ready…  FOR METAL!

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8.) Double Dragon – Mission 1

This track is legendary!  When I listen to the music played during the Mission screen and then listen to this track, it makes me want to run my car into a gas station pump just to watch the impending explosion, it’s so awesome!  It’s upbeat, lively, and even has a few freaking solos in it! It definitely gets me in the mood to knee people in the face until they die!

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7. ) Final Fantasy VI – Atma Weapon Theme

That intro is so epic!  I don’t care if it sounds like most of this track can be played on a pan flute, it rocks so hard it hurts my ball sack!  Those drums beating in the background really add a lot to this track.  They’re incendiary, as if to ready you for battle and strike fear into your enemies!  The fact that you’re fighting a ridiculously huge ancient best atop a floating island just makes it more Metal!

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6.) Megaman 3 – Title

Speaking of epic intros, this track.  The slow intro is pretty good on its own, but when the track opens with that amazing percussion and the badass upbeat part kicks in, you know you’re about to kick some ass yourself! I love when the lead tunes start a counterpoint melody with one another about 40 seconds in.  It’s just so awesome!  This is indeed a track worthy enough to introduce one of the Blue Bomber’s greatest adventures.  Fight for everlasting Metal!

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5.) Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island – Final Boss Theme

If you’ve heard this track, then you know why it’s here.  If you haven’t, then you may be thinking to yourself, “A track from a Mario game?”  Yes, a track from a Mario game, you jerk.  Just listen to it!  Is Koji Kondo not trying to shred your face off with this?  That intro is a warning.  A warning that you’re about to get your face shredded off.  To think that a game with child-like drawings as graphics could hold a track so Metal is astonishing.  I love how freaking fast and furious it is.  The rhythm just pounds it while the lead keytars the ever-loving shit out of your eardrum!  I mean, seriously!  It goes all over the place!  This is a great, if not slightly out of place, track for a final boss.  Just remember: Baby Mario is more Metal than you.

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4.) Bad Dudes – Stage 2 Theme

This track starts out with authority and sets the mood.  And that mood is Metal!  But what would you expect from a level on the back of a speeding semi-truck?  The best part is about 30 seconds in when it starts playing a meaty riff that just feels like a sweaty dude in zubaz pants punching a ninja in the face!  If your track is somehow conveying that feeling, then you win.  Are you a bad enough dude to appreciate this Metal?

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3.) Golden Axe 2 – Ravaged Village

This track starts out like a march out of Hell, which is exactly where Metal comes from, incidentally.  Then there’s the build-up riff that gets your adrenaline pumping as that sweet percussion keeps a steady cadence, simulating the drums of war.  Finally, there’s that haunting lead that intensifies the satisfaction of the epic beatings you’re obviously giving as you listen to it.  Thoroughly pumped, you ready your axe and run toward the village ravaged by bandits, your majestic dwarven beard flowing in the wind as the sun glistens off your horned helm.  The only thing that will satisfy you this night will be listening to the lamentations of your crushed enemies’ women!  That, or this track again.  BECAUSE IT’S SO AWESOME!

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2.) Valis – Frash of Sword… I Mean, Flash of the Sword

When this track starts, it starts hard!  The lead comes in welcoming enough, but the rhythm is just brutal!  JUST THE WAY I LIKE IT!  It’s fast and constant, and it kicks ass!  And that percussion!  None of it relents!  Then, about 30 seconds in, the rhythm slows down and forms an almost whimsical melody with the now prominent lead.  Then the rhythm and percussion amp up again to melt your brain!  It’s exactly everything I’d expect from a game about a school girl killing monsters.  Really, a sexy woman in a form-fitting breast plate holding a flaming sword aloft embodies everything about Metal, except the music.

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1.) Devil’s Crush - Main Stage Theme

Just listen to it.  For a pinball game to be this Metal is beyond belief.  It’s as if the Rock Gods themselves crafted this masterpiece for all the lonely kids who bought the TurboGraFX-16 in order to say “Do not listen to them, child.  You have made an excellent console purchase.  Now, allow us to rock off your face!”  This track starts like all great Metal tracks: with kick ass percussion!  The rhythm kicks in as a Gothic wailing from the lead sets the tone.  Once the atmosphere is established, the lead drops that pretentious shit and proceeds to hammer on like it was hammering your mom!  And from there it just gets better and better.  The track is 3 1/2 minutes long and is filled with a ludicrous amount of solos, which is the exact amount necessary!  About 2 minutes in, the track slows down with a short reprieve and slowly builds back up to an amazing solo and badass ending.  This actually feels like a true track from start to finish.  This track is METAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Thanks for your Playing!  Let me know of some sweet Metal tracks I may have missed below!  I’m always looking for more music.

Today I received my long-awaited gift to myself via the United States Postal Service: the Megaman Classic 25th Anniversary Statue!  And it’s as glorious as it is breathtaking!  These statues were being sold at San Diego Comic Con last week.  I wasn’t able to attend, but that didn’t mean I didn’t have connections!  Concerning all things Megaman, I always make sure I’m covered!

Standing at over 10″ tall on its base, this magnificent piece of excellence now adorns my shelf and complements everything that will ever enter my home!  Consequently, anything or anyone who leaves my home will now feel inadequate and unnecessary after having been in its presence.  But that’s a risk I’m willing to take!  IT’S JUST SO BEAUTIFUL!

I’d now like to share with you the unboxing of this brilliant example of epicness.  Please follow my visual diary as I release its greatness unto my bedroom and my very soul!

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For scale, my assistant R.O.B will be accompanying me on this visual journey.  Next to him is, of course, the box the statue comes in.

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All the remaining sides of the box contain a picture of the E-Tank.

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The top of the box.

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Within this soft Styrofoam shell lies the Megaman statue of my dreams!

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And holding the statue’s base is my faithful assistant R.O.B.  Thanks, buddy.

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My God… it’s amazing…

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Side and back profiles of the Blue Bomber.

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Arm Cannons are Manly!

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Megaman’s feet.  The base plugs right into these holes.

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R.O.B. and Megaman, side by side.  When it comes to bases, size definitely matters. Eh, ladies?

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The power cord.  Not very exciting.  But, when you plug it into the base and connect it to my computer…

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ILLUSTRIOUS!

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It’s magical at any angle.

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Even the arm cannon’s side lights up!

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And there you have it!  I hope you guys enjoyed the unboxing.  This statue is really amazing!  I’m no mineralogist, but, given its sheen and its feel, I’d say this statue is made out of pure, concentrated, industrial-strength Awesome!  I’m so pumped to finally have this statue, and I’m going to make sure I cherish it for the years to come!

Oh, R.O.B, don’t look at me like that.  I’ve had you for over 20 years; you’ll always be my favorite!

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Thanks for Your Playing!  Feel free to convey how completely jealous you are of my new Megaman Statue in the comments below!

Here’s to another 25, Megaman!

Lately, there has been some talk about women in gaming and how they’re being physically and unrealistically protrayed.  Now, any kind of (intelligible) discourse about sexuality and gender roles in gaming is a great step in the right direction for the medium.  But, GOD, is it boring!  Sometimes it’s okay just to have some fun.  And the fun we’ll be having today will involve ogling fictitious women and ranking them by their hotness!

Of course it’s true that women are ridiculously oversexualized in gaming media.  Thankfully, I’m completely okay with it!  And I’m not the only one!  There are tons of fans out there recreating our favorite gaming heroines in exciting and sexy new ways everyday.  You can go to your preferred search engine right now and type in any female gaming character’s name and find plenty of fan service, which is exactly what I did to find the Top Ten Hottest Chicks in Gaming!

Annnnnnd, I’m never doing it again.

You see, the Internet sure does like its porn.  While grabbing the pics for this list, I became very familiar with Rule 34 (look it up at your own risk).  Needless to say, I’m scarred for life, and I’ll never be able to look at some of these ladies the same ever again…  There were furries and bondage and over-sized feet everywhere!

In the end, I managed to find many impressive and presentable fan-created pics. These are the pics I’m focusing on today.  Though, I still wouldn’t look at this list with your grandma in the room.

Here are the rules.  To be on this list, the following ladies must:

1. Have Originated from a video game.
2. Have a fair amount of fan art dedicated to them.
3. Not be exposed.  Again, I apologize if I’m your only means of seeing boobs on the internet.
4. Be smoking hot!

For each of the following entries, I’ve taken the liberty of gathering my personal favorite fan pieces of each lady and assembling them into wallpaper form for your convenience (optimized for PS Vita screens).  Don’t say I’ve never done anything for you!

Gentlemen, for your viewing pleasure, I now present to you the Top Ten Hottest Chicks in Gaming, as depicted by fan art!  Let the cat calls and hooting commence!

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10.) DOA Girls (Dead or Alive)

How could I only pick one?  Not that they all look so good (they do), but because they’re all pretty indistinguishable when put side by side.  Any fleshing out of these characters boils down to them showing more skin.  It also doesn’t help that each lady is created with the same formula: Big, bouncy boobs and that is all.  It’s unfortunate that these ladies’ looks and jiggle physics give the DOA franchise a bad name (and the DOA Paradise games surely don’t do it any favors) because the main fighting games are actually very good.

The ladies I’ve chosen are (from left to right) Hitomi, Kasumi, and Kokoro.  It’s nice to see them taking time out of their busy day of smashing heads to look a little more vulnerable.  Just keep in mind that these ladies are more than capable of punching your face through your ass.

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9.) Momohime (Muramasa: The Demon Blade)

Keep an open mind with this one.

Momohime is timid and passive, but the man possessing her body is crass and aggressive.  It’s like The Odd Couple but inside of a hot chick!  If you’re able to ignore the dude in her body and only focus on Momohime, then you’ll be able to appreciate watching this shy, feudal-era princess chopping demons and ninjas in half with evil swords.  You’ll also be able to appreciate those hot spring scenes a little better, too. Though she’s not the curviest female lead (despite fan depictions), she’s intriguing and adorable, nonetheless.  Her (his?) relationship with Kongiku (seen in the top left corner) is intriguing and adorable as well…

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8.) Princess Peach (Super Mario Brothers)

I can’t say I like Princess Peach that much outside of Super Mario Bros. 2, but I can’t help but be a fan of her in her pink bikini.  If the fans behind these pics are correct with their proportions, then I can see why Bowser keeps kidnapping her and why Mario keeps going out of his way to get her back.  I can’t help but think that if Daisy were packing like Peach she might be getting kidnapped more.  Then, maybe Luigi would be getting more games that didn’t involve vacuum cleaners.

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7.) Samus Aran (Metroid)

I really don’t remember Samus looking like that at the end of Metroid!  How fast do you have to beat the game to see her like this?  Who would have thought that gaming’s first heroine would be sporting her best assets underneath the missile-shooting, bomb-dispensing Space Suit?  Zero Suit Samus, indeed!  That thing’s so skintight it looks like it was painted on!  I don’t know who Justin Bailey is, but he was ahead of his time by wanting Samus’s armor off.  At first I thought it was a bad idea, her being in space and all.  But, looking at these pics, I can understand his line of thinking more clearly…

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6.) Yuuko Asou (Valis)

Having Yuuko on the list is a little weird.  After the main Valis franchise lost popularity, it was bought out by some sleazy company and turned into a series of Hentai games.  It’s unfortunate, but I can see how easy it was: High school girl in school uniform fighting other high school girls in skimpy clothes as well as monsters with tentacles. I’m pretty sure there’s a law in Japan against the company not turning it into porn.  Obviously, finding non-disgusting pictures of Yuuko was few and far between, but I think the pics I chose showcase her hotness while sparing her dignity.

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5.) Morrigan Aesland (Dark Stalkers)

Morrigan is one of those ladies who’s hot and scary, and a lot of her fan depictions show this by having her covered in blood or standing on top of demons and such.  Me, I’m not into that sort of thing, so I chose the “Sexy Librarian” and “Kimono” looks.  I like these pics for a couple of reasons: 1.) Because Duh, and 2.) They show Morrigan in a different persona as if to attract men with certain fetishes or preferences.  That seems reasonable for a succubus to do.  You see, of all the ladies on this list, Morrigan is the most dangerous.  Being a succubus, her sole purpose is to seduce men so she can bang them to death.  But I suppose there are worse ways to die, amirite, guys?  Eh?  EH!

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4.) Lady Palutena (Kid Icarus)

Lady Palutena wasn’t even on my radar when I began this list.  I was actually just messing around when I thought of her; I didn’t actually expect to find anything.  But, lo and behold, there she was in all her bikini-clad, towel-wearing glory.  And, I have to say, no wonder Pit does everything she says!  It never occurred to me that Pit was doing all this in the hopes of getting laid!  You’ve earned my respect, Kid Icarus.  Goddess speed, good sir!

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3.) Tifa Lockhart (Final Fantasy VII)

Of course Tifa’s on this list.  She’s had my attention since I was in 7th grade.  From her attitude to her well-endowed assets to her ability to suplex Iron Giants, there’s really nothing you can’t find to like about her.  I put Tifa with some pics of Aeris because she’s cute, brings high energy, and finding fan pics of Tifa not being slutty was taking up way too much of my time.  Interpret that however you’d like.

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2.) Shantae (Shantae)

Shantae is another fun and interesting female protagonist that I frankly could not find much fan art both of high quality and untainted by perversion.  So I decided to just make some of my own by cutting and pasting her with some of my favorite video game characters!  The above pic is meant to be a collage of her and a bunch of gaming’s icons enjoying a day at the beach.  The scenarios were a lot of fun to make, particularly the times when Shantae’s hotness is a point of contention.  Admittedly, it was my wife’s idea to put DK and Shantae on the surfboard, clearly the highlight of the trip.

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1.) Izuna (Izuna: Legend of the Unemployed Ninja)

Easily the most underrated hottie in gaming, this legendary, pink-haired unemployed ninja is 50% Hot, 50% Goofy, and 100% Badass!  All the above pics are actually official art released by Success, her games’ developers.  They’re lighthearted, silly, high energy, and it looks like she’s having fun.  I wish the same could be said about her fan art.  Not all of it is NSFW, but most are.  Her looks and constant in-game boob references aside, Izuna is a fun, flirty, and wacky alternative to standard Female Protagonist formulas.  Honestly, she’s more akin to Bugs Bunny with her 4th wall-breaking antics and overall ridiculousness.  If you haven’t played her games yet, you should.  They’re actually pretty difficult, rewarding, and hilarious.  Izuna more than deserves the top spot for Hottest Chick in Gaming!  Even if I can’t – in good taste – show you her fan art.

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Thanks for Your Playing!  I hope you enjoyed the list and the collages I made.  Let me know about any ladies I may have missed in the comments below!

I love me some video games.  I also love me some cartoons. Naturally, you’d imagine Cartoons about video games would be right up my alley.  And you’d be right.  But you know what I like more than video game cartoons?  Cartoons about dudes who play video games.  That might sound weird, but if you’ve seen Regular Show, then you know what I’m talking about.

Regular Show is about a couple of (animal) dudes trying to get by using as little effort as possible.  They’re slackers, if you will.  The Great American Heroes.  And what self-respecting major media outlet could take a look at the word “slacker” and not immediately think “video games”?  Not Cartoon Network!

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

So of course these lazy young men (animals) play video games in their pastime. And it’s hilarious!  This show lovingly satirizes gaming culture and gaming nostalgia in ways rarely seen outside of YouTube.  I could give you all kinds of examples of how this show references old-school games and such, but I’d rather just talk about a single episode that I feel best exemplifies my claims and reasons for praise.  It’s my favorite episode, and it’s titled “Rage Against the TV.”

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The reason I love “Rage Against the TV” so much is how it eerily reenacts a very specific event in my childhood.  Watching this episode for the first time, déjà vu overpowered me as I watched anthropomorphic animals, a ghost, and whatever the Hell Muscle Man and Pops are playing out one of my memories right before my eyes.  Of course, there were some things that happened in the cartoon that obviously didn’t happen to me, but let’s start from this tale’s epic beginning.

Epic.

The episode starts out like any given weekend during my childhood: a couple of dudes sitting on a couch playing video games, both talking trash and encouraging each other in order to motivate yourselves to victory.  I especially like how Mordecai and Rigby make names for in-game scenarios.  My friends and I used to do that all the time.

Triple Thugs!

They end up beating the thugs and the level boss, which is the farthest they’ve ever been in the game.  The next level turns out to be the final level, and the boys meet the boss of the game, The Hammer.

Nobody beats The Hammer!

The boys soon discover they can’t hurt him and that he can kill them in only one hit.  With all options seemingly exhausted, the boys hysterically run from their aggressor.  The tension tangible, Mordecai gets cornered and cries for help.  Desperately, Rigby grabs a chair and breaks it on The Hammer’s spine.  And it’s super effective!  His life bar goes down, and the boys now know how to take him out.  Rejuvenated, they go in for the kill… only to have the TV crap out on them.

There is no God…

Mordecai discovers through percussive maintenance – a term I so eloquently use to describe it to the wife -  that hitting the TV fixes the picture for a split second.  They find that the game is still going, and The Hammer is still going at them.  Inventively, Mordecai beats the TV as Rigby attacks.  This doesn’t work out too well as Rigby cracks under the pressure, so they decide to pause the game and go find a working TV so they can bring it back and both go on the offensive.

Percussive Maintenance at its finest.

There are two reasons why this episode is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen:

1.) I totally remember taking games this seriously.  Getting to the final boss with a buddy was an intense experience that weighed heavily on both our shoulders.  Failure would mean disappointing your bud as well as having to play the game all over again.  As stressful as it was, it was also a great bonding experience.

2.) I’ve had my TV crap out on me during a final boss fight.  It’s excruciating.  Interestingly, smacking my TV also brought back the picture momentarily, so my friend and I did exactly what Mordecai and Rigby do in this episode.  Even more interesting is the fact that we were playing Double Dragon II at the time, the very game that’s being parodied in this episode.  You can only imagine how hard I geeked out.

The rest of the episode has the boys trying to get a TV from their friends so they can finally take out The Hammer.  I can remember my friend and I doing the exact same thing in this situation, begging our friends for their TVs.  Anyway, as Mordecai and Rigby go to each person’s house, something goes wrong and they can’t use their TV.  However, with each failure they add to their entourage because everybody wants to see The Hammer.  When they ask Muscle Man for his TV, he allows it on one condition: they tell him what The Hammer looks like.  Getting to him was so difficult that he didn’t believe them.  They describe him, and Hi Five Ghost verifies by checking in his Video Game Power magazine.

Now you’re playing with Power!

This is so my childhood!  I remember getting to certain parts in games or beating difficult parts, and then describing it to my friends only to have them not believe me!  “No way, man!  Nobody can beat level 3 in Ghosts ‘n Goblins!”  Without the internet, viewing games in their entirety meant you had to actually be good at them.  And games back then were hard as Hell!  But, if you had Nintendo Power, you could see later parts in games, and this was the only way without doing it yourself.  That’s why I love the “Hi Five Ghost Verification” part so much.

The gang eventually get a TV from a guy Muscle Man knows simply by saying that they got to The Hammer.  It’s apparently that important.  The only catch is that the TV completely sucks.  It’s black and white, doesn’t have AV cable capabilities, and has a weird and unusable power plug.

Damn Oogensterns!  Dra åt helvete!

That kind of crap always happened to me when I was a kid.  I’d have to spend the weekend at my grandma’s, so I’d bring my NES and discover that her TV was so old that I couldn’t even screw the RF switch into it.  For those not in the know, here’s a diagram and an easy-to-read, step-by-step self-install guide:

This actually comes from Nintendo’s current Customer Service website.  God bless you, fine sirs!

To wrap this up, the gang solve the “Having a Worthless TV” problem by using a montage (montages fix EVERYTHING!), weird shit goes down and The Hammer comes to life because cartoons, the gang beat The Hammer in real life and in the video game, Benson comes in to see the destruction and promptly leaves, and then the ol’ “Freeze Frame High Five” ending.

There really couldn’t have been a better way to end this.

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Watching this episode takes me back, and it makes me feel special and connected knowing that something so unique and specific that had happened to me had also happened to someone else.  The overwhelming sense of nostalgia I get from watching this is incomparable.  From the over-the-top importance given to a video game to the silly temporary solution to the group coming together just to see the final boss, everything in this episode feels incredibly real and familiar to me.

Thanks for your Playing!  I really want to hear your guys’ stories.  Did anything like this ever happen to you?  Do you have any cool stories about video game culture back in the day?  Let me know in the comments!  Until next time, please enjoy this still of Muscle Man’s boobs smacking him in the face.

It can’t be unseen!

There are some days when you just want to sit back in your favorite chair after a long day at work, turn on the ol’ tube, scoff at everything on TV because it’s terrible, and pop in a video game instead.  But, since your day was so taxing, you want to play something that doesn’t require a lot of thinking or dexterity, so what do you do?  You go old-school, that’s what!  And you pick a game that’s as mindless as the enemies you’re taking out: Galaga!  That’s right, soldier!  We’re going bug hunting!  And we’re going in with the first wave! Means more bugs fer us to kill!  And this is for all you new people: I only have one rule. Everyone fights. No one quits. You don’t do your job, I’ll shoot you myself. You get me?

Game: Galaga

Console: NES

Developer: Bandai

Publisher: Namco Ltd.

Release Year: 1988

Recently re-released on the Wii U Virtual Console, Galaga is the sequel to Galaxian, a drop in the ocean of Space Invaders clones that were flooding arcades in the late 70′s and early 80′s.  But enough about history!  This is Galaga I’m talking about!  This game is legend!  Everyone knows and loves them some Galaga!  And for good reason because it kicks ass!

When Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, and the Incredible Hulk are all in the same room, and Galaga takes priority, you know it’s a good game.

Galaga is one of my all-time favorites.  Well, Galaga ’90 on the TurbograFX-16 is my favorite in the franchise, but Galaga holds a special place in my heart.  I had it on my NES when I was a young ‘un, and I played the hell out of it.  I never cared about high scores.  I just wanted to kill me some bugs and see how far I could get.  I’m pretty sure my love for Galaga fostered my future sci-fi tastes.  It would explain my unhealthy obsession with Ender’s Game and Starship Troopers.

Despite Jake Busey’s involvement.

After replaying Galaga over the weekend, I found it to be just as engaging as the first time I’d ever played.  So what makes it so timeless and good?  It’s simple, really.  By which I’m referring to the reason of its timelessness and why it’s so good and not as a phrase to qualify a forthcoming reason.  Simplicity is why it’s so great.  Get it?  Sigh… I immediately regret this joke.  Can we just move on now?

Please accept this as a token of my apology, Internet.

The game is very simple.  You move left and right, shoot, and don’t die.  That’s it.  And it’s a blast, especially when you don’t want to play something so involving.  Just turn it on and start shooting.  There’s no need for any of that girly narrative bullshit!  Just explode bugs in space!  What more could you want?

Yet that’s the beauty of Galaga: it does give you more.  So much more!  For instance, there’s a risk/reward system. Go ahead and let one of those Boss Galagas hit you with their tractor beam.  You’ll lose a life, but if you shoot down the dick who stole your man while he’s flying at you, you’ll get your old ship back in the form of an add-on to your current ship!  Now you have double the fire power!  And as an added bonus, you can pretend you’re rescuing your brainwashed buddy.  There’s nothing like a couple of dudes reuniting and teaming up for revenge exploding!  Making your own fun in video games always makes them better.

Damn it, Richard!  Snap out of it!  It’s ME!  You bug bastards, what have you done!?

Galaga is also a rhythm game.  Think about it: you only get two bullets, and if those two bullets don’t hit their mark, you have to wait like an asshole until they leave the screen before you can fire any more shots.  But, if you get the rhythm down, you can blast through enemy waves quickly and efficiently without having to stand there wallowing in your shame as the space bugs laugh at you (probably).  Or, if you’re anything like me (i.e. Manly), you just smash the living hell out of the fire button until everything’s dead because wiping out wave after wave of bugs is irrationally satisfying.  At least, that’s what I used to think.  After playing through the game again, I now have a theory as to why it’s so fun:  Galaga is America!

Thanks, Japan!  Sorry about all those wartime propaganda posters and cartoons…

Well, the game at least appeals to Americans.  Let me explain.  My high school American History teacher used to tell us stories of how colonial America defeated the British, presumably because he lived through it.  Because he was very old.  Get it?  Wow… I’m off tonight.  Anyway, he told us that the Brits would come at the colonists in formations while the colonists stayed back and picked them off one by one as they got closer.  That’s exactly how Galaga is.  Enemy waves come in from all sides and fly in a specific pattern before they find their spot in the attack formation, which is always the same on every level.  You’d think this formula would get old fast, but it doesn’t.  In fact, it’s the game’s greatest strength.  I love completely obliterating the enemy before they even get a chance to form and attack.  I thrill in waiting at the corner of the screen and then unloading on the bugs as they enter, destroying the entire wave before any of them actually get on screen.  It just never gets boring, and I think being an American steeped in our culture and history makes this kind of demolition endlessly gratifying.

Tighten formation, men!  We’re not going to let a few bullets ruin months of choreography, now are we?

Despite its overused enemy formations and patterns and the fact that I referred to the game as “mindless,” Galaga isn’t easy.  I’d say the average player might get to level 7 or 8 before losing all their ships.  Dedication and practice is needed in order to see the later levels, even though they all look exactly the same.  Plus, the difficulty fluctuates strangely.  Some of the later levels are actually easier then some of the earlier ones.  In Level 10, the bugs don’t even fire at you during their initial sweep across the screen, but some of the levels before had bugs firing relentlessly at you as well as trying to crash into you as they entered the screen.  It’s not a big deal; it’s just a little weird.

Pfft.  You think Level 12 is hard?  Level 6 makes Level 12 look like Level 10, n00b.

Galaga is a fantastic shooter that will never go out of style.  As long as shooting at endless hordes of bugs stays relevant in our society, so too will Galaga.

Thanks for your Playing!  Anyone else here huge Galaga fans?  Why do you guys think Galaga is so awesome?  Anyone think differently?  Let me know in the comments so I can laugh at how you misunderstand the concept of “fun.”

Long time, no see, pansies!  I’m finally back to add another chapter to my ongoing guide designed to stop you from sucking and make you a bona fide Badass!  So put away your Rainbow Dash panties and GET THAT DRINK OFF THAT COASTER!  Just because I’ve been gone for awhile doesn’t mean you can woman-up the place!  The only cure for your girly-ness is to give you nerds an advanced lesson to get your testosterone pumping again!  Therefore, today’s addition is a doozy.  For today, I’m finally going to tell you what to FIGHT!!!

Now, a novice Badass might think to himself, “Well, I’m a Badass.  I’ll fight EVERYTHING!”  Though I can certainly appreciate your gusto – this world needs more men like you – I regret to say it’s not that simple.  You see, being a Badass means you have to fight other Badass things.  You can’t just go up to a school girl and punch her in the head, nor can you suplex random pedestrians.  Doing things like that (though hilarious) would classify you as a “Bully,” and isn’t that why Badasses hit the streets in the first place?  To take out the Bullies of the world?  The kidnappers of our women?  The myriad punks threatening the citizens of our streets?

As Badasses, we have a commitment to protect the weak, kick tons of ass, and look awesome while doing it!  If you want to look really awesome, then you better make sure the following losers’ asses attend their upcoming meeting with your foot!

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Thugs are the worst.  They’re the “Cockroach” of the gaming world.  Can you get any lower than the measly thug?  Thugs have no purpose other than to be fodder for my Flaming Uppercuts and Soul-Shattering Kicks!  Thugs are so useless that most are just palette swaps of other thugs!  If their names didn’t show up in the top-right corner after I punched them, I’d never be able to tell one from the other!  Their only redeeming qualities are that they’re so fun to beat up and there’s a seemingly endless supply of them, ensuring that the fun lasts a long, long time.

But there are so many of them!  If they didn’t blink out of existence after a thorough beating, the streets would be full of these knocked out wastes of space!  I mean, seriously, why are there so many?  A thug can’t make that good of a living.  And what exactly is on their job description? “Walk around aimlessly until a Badass comes by, crowd around him/her, wait for your turn to throw a couple punches, get easily defeated and blink out of existence”?  Stay in school, kids.

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Ah, the ninja.  The faster, smarter, and more Asian equivalent of the Thug.  Taking out even one ninja is a feat in and of itself.  So when you take out legions at a time, you know you’re a force to be reckoned with!  Ninjas are known for their skill, technique, deadliness, and stealth.  With all that combined, you’ve got yourself one hell of a challenge!  Good thing ninjas immediately forget all their hard work and years of training as soon as a Badass comes by!  Your very presence will enrage a ninja and have them charging at you like a fat woman to a shoe sale!

Ninjas usually go down in one hit, so a quick jab is all it takes.  However, ninjas will NEVER stop coming at you.  Unlike thugs whose numbers are seemingly endless, ninjas truly are EVERYWHERE!  You have to keep going to the right and reach the level’s end to get them off your ass.  That’s why you need to stick and move!  Quick jab, jump kick! Quick jab, jump kick!  As long as you get those jump kicks in, you’ll be taking them out and gaining some ground.  Keep at it until the screen stops scrolling!  Those ninjas will eventually leave you alone.

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Sometimes you need a challenge.  Beating up fellow humans all day can get monotonous.  To add a little spice to your evening, I suggest finding a remote village and entering the evil castle nearby.  These evil castles are always full of ancient beasts and monsters of legend eagerly awaiting someone to come and whoop their asses!  You ever headbutt a charging Minotaur?  It’s a rush!  Way better than a 5-Hour Energy!  And there’s just something overly satisfying about drop kicking Medusa or putting Dracula in a full nelson until he admits he eats his own farts.

I’d say stay away from zombies, though.  Not that they’re particularly hard to beat up, but because they’re too stupid to know they’re even getting their asses kicked in the first place. It’s just a waste of time if the ass kickee can’t appreciate your craft.  Mummies are a bad idea, too.  They’re wraps usually obstruct their view of how awesome you look while power bombing them.  Also, don’t mess with Creatures from the Black Lagoon.  They’re all scaly and slimy and smell like fish.  Gross…

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Thugs and ninjas are like hors d’oeuvres: They’re really good practice, but taking down wave after wave can only satisfy for so long.  Eventually, you’re insatiable hunger for challenge will demand the entrée.  And the main course for any Badass is the Boss fight.

Unlike the expendable riffraff you swatted aside previously, Bosses know how to take a punch as well as dent your skull.  Overpowering them usually isn’t a good strategy.  Your best option is to do the ol’ “Rope-a-Dope.”  Let him do all the fighting while you dodge and move.  That may seem womanly, not fighting back, but use this opportunity to find his weak spot.  It’s usually a slight pause after a combo or a bright glowing spot on on his body.  Spam some quick combos to build damage, then continue dodgine.  As you do more damage, he’ll start blinking.  The more you bring the pain, the more rapid the blinking becomes.  Use caution as the blinking gets faster as Bosses tend to get more desperate and powerful, sometimes changing their tactics.  Stay at it, and eventually he’ll go down.

Now listen up, because this is important!  After you defeat him, you HAVE to end with a quip or pun to add insult to injury.  It’s the Badass Code.  For example, if he shoots ice beams, you could say, “It was ICE for my foot to meet your ass!” or “Stay down and CHILL!”  The worse, the better.  Nothing pisses a Boss off more than lame puns!

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Playing sports is a great way to build camaraderie, get exercise, and have fun.  But only if you’re winning.  Losing sucks and makes doing anything feel like a waste of time!  If you’re going to lose, you might as well have some fun and kick the other team’s ass!  Literally!  There’s no rule saying you can’t vent your frustrations out on the other team’s face!  And if there is, I haven’t read it because I don’t read instruction manuals!  But, just to be on the safe side, make sure you smack the team around when the ref’s back is turned.  And the best way to get him to turn with with a little bribing, which is also not condemned anywhere in the rules, probably.

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If you’re lucky to go on your epic journey of revenge and redemption with a buddy, you’ll find that his aid in combat is invaluable.  However, you’ll also find that he’s a huge freaking douchebag that takes out all the thugs before you even get a chance because you had to stop for a second to scratch your balls or go take a leak or something.  AND he eats all the pizza and meat along the way, even if he doesn’t need it and you do!  ALSO, he’ll constantly “accidentally” grab you, stopping you mid combo and letting the enemy get a cheap shot in!

So, yeah, a little friendly fire is necessary to bring his gluttonous ass down a peg.  Sometimes you just have to smack him around a bit to remind him that this is a team effort.  Moreover, he’s Player Two!  I’m number one!  You’re playing the Luigi to my Mario!  Show some respect!

Of course, smacking him will make him pissy, and he’ll hit you back.  Don’t worry: it’s part of the healing process.  Anyway, he’ll get his comeuppance when you hit the Boss more and get kissed by the Cave Babe.  Cave Babes always fix everything…

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Well, there you go, Ladies!  If you can only kick a little ass this week, make it count and bring the pain to these jabronis!  Though the quantity of asses you kick is very important, the quality of those asses you kicked define the kind of Badass you are.

Are these the only asses you should kick?  HELL NO!!!  The world’s full of asses ripe for the kicking!  So, as you painstakingly anticipate my next installment, start light and practice with what we’ve discussed today.

Homework: Kick a Boss’s ass and make a pun insulting something he’s wearing!

You have an idea of what I should cover next?  Put it in the comments!  You have a question? Leave those in the comments, too!  But all comments must be manly and in the FORM OF A SHOUT!

Stay Badass, g1s!  I’ll see you soon with more invaluable advice on how to kick ass and do whatever the second part of that phrase is!

3 years Ago...

LIMBO? This game looks sweet!  Everyone keeps talking about how spooky and thought-provoking the game’s art style and narrative is!  What’s it coming out for?  Xbox!?  Damn!  I’m too poor for an Xbox!  I hope it comes out for other platforms…

12 months Later...

The Xbox exclusivity whats-its has dissolved and now LIMBO can be played on other platforms!  And those platforms are… PS3 and Windows?  Crap!  I’m too poor for a PS3, and I don’t like PC gaming.  So I have to wait again…

2 years Later...

Oh, how I love my Vita! Now it gives me LIMBO, a game I’ve been pining for!  And it’s only… $15!  The game’s only an hour long!  I know because the game is three freaking years old and everybody’s talked about it!  Just because it’s considered ground-breaking doesn’t mean you can price gouge me, Sony!

2 Months Later, Or Early Last Week...

$6 with PS Plus discount!?  I’ve spent way more on worse for an hour of “entertainment.”  I’m downloading that shit now!  I can’t wait to experience the greatness everybody’s been pooping their pants about!  Here we go…

2 Hours Later...

What the crap was that?  THIS is what everyone was talking about all those years ago!?  THIS is moving gaming narrative in the right direction!?  THIS… This is garbage!  WTF, internet!?  WTF?

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Game: LIMBO

Console: XBLA, PSN, Windows, Mac, iOS, PS Vita

Developer: Playdead; Double Eleven (Vita)

Publisher: Microsoft Game Studios (XBLA), Playdead (Everything Else)

Release Year: 2010

So LIMBO‘s a game.  You’ve probably heard of it.  A few years ago, It launched simultaneously with critics’ and gamers’ regurgitations about how beautiful its graphics were and how transcendent its “storytelling” was.  Being that, at the time, it was an Xbox exclusive and I was a poor, poor, POOR college student without an Xbox, I never got to experience the game during its critically acclaimed and ultra-hyped period. Instead, I got to hear everyone and everything online spewing about how amazing LIMBO was and how its narrative was taking gaming one step closer to being seen as a serious art form.  It hurt, hearing all this stuff about a game I couldn’t play…

A visual representation of my hurting.

Fast forward 3 years, and I get my chance!  I finally sat down and played through LIMBO in its entirety and… I feel disappointed.

After beating LIMBO, I sat there and thought, “That wasn’t very fun.”  I don’t think anticipating the game for 3 years gave me unrealistic expectations it couldn’t meet.  I feel the game just wasn’t a very good game.  The gameplay was all right, albeit lacking any kind of innovation or depth, and the puzzles were… not very puzzling.  The game was just way too easy and way too short.  So why was it heralded as the second coming of Miyamoto?  Why does everybody laud this game as if it’s a piece from Picasso or Rembrandt?  For the same reason people like Art in general: Because it’s purdy!

You sure do got purdy pictures…

And LIMBO sure is purdy!  With its blacks and its whites, the game certainly has a unique style that works to create atmosphere and to enforce the game’s themes.  However, video games are meant to be played, not to be solely looked at. Though graphics and art style go a long way for a video game, gameplay is always king, and LIMBO, in that respect, is unfortunately lacking.  If that’s the case, then are people really that shallow?  Can the game look so good that we disregard its mediocre gameplay?  In some cases, I’d say yes, but I don’t think that’s the norm.  No, in LIMBO’s case, there’s another hook: the “narrative.”

It’s difficult to describe LIMBO‘s narrative as it really doesn’t have one.  At least, not in a traditional sense.  The player just kind of runs to the right until it’s over.  Any character motivation can only be found in the game’s description; everything else is discovered through player actions and from viewing the environment.  Then there’s the ending…

I don’t really want to analyze LIMBO (being that it’s a meticulously ambiguous piece of pretentious art house crap), but I can at least assert that the game’s trying to be thought-provoking, eerie, scary, and not very nice in its depiction of child murder.  I will say LIMBO‘s brand of storytelling is unique in that it could only be done in a video game.  So that’s good.  BUT, however you’d like to interpret the narrative, its gloomy and macabre overtones are completely undermined by a simple gameplay choice: the choice to exclude the consequences of death.

Even she gets the irony.

Here’s what LIMBO wants: An atmosphere of Eeriness and Brutality that leads to feelings of Isolation and Abandonment.  Then, it wants to take all those icky feelings and wrap them up tightly into a nice Artsy package with a pretty pink bow holding it all together.  The pretty pink bow… of Tension!

Dun-dun-DUH! *Lightning crashes*

As any English Major knows, tension drives everything: Drama, Comedy, Cars.  You can’t really have a provocative narrative without some kind of tension.  And this is where LIMBO hilariously fails.  Because there are no consequences for dying, there’s no tension for the player, and this ultimately destroys the game’s atmosphere.  So how do you fix that?  Do you give the player a limited number of chances to beat the game before having to start over?

I know the concepts of having “Lives” and “Continues” are on the wayside and are viewed as “archaic,” but I can’t help but to see their benefits.  Sure, the con is that these systems punish you when you’re trying to have fun, making players replay segments or entire games, but they also add a lot of tension.  I’d always get anxious when I had to fight a boss with only one life left.  Losing was devastating, but victory felt all the more rewarding.  LIMBO ditches the Lives/Continue scheme and instead employs a Checkpoint system.  Checkpoints take a lot of the challenge out of video games and thus remove a lot of the tension.  This is bad for a game that’s trying to build a hostile atmosphere, especially if you’re a goofy-as-fuck player like me who’s always looking to exemplify that gaming narrative dichotomy, Ludonarrative Dissonance!

That one was for you, Overthinker!

So here I am, in this dark and spooky place full of hostility and scariness, and, instead of becoming immersed, I’m too busy searching for all the ways my character can die.  With no consequences, who cares?  I drown myself, I get myself crushed, I impale myself, a spider impales me, I jump into a buzzsaw and get ripped to shreds, and I laugh.  I laugh when I intentionally kill myself, and I laugh when the game unfairly kills me.

That’s right; LIMBO gets some cheap kills by either messing with player expectations or by just straight up being a dick with surprise kills.  Some frown upon this and view it as bad design; some call this “Trial and Error” gameplay; I call it pure, tension-breaking, comedic gold!  Because what’s funnier than watching someone unexpectedly get hurt, especially when there’s no consequence to you?  For example, take these crusher things found early in the game:

Go ahead.  Push it.  You know you want to…

There’s a salient piece of flooring below the center of the crusher.  You’d think touching that piece would drop the crusher.  A logical and natural assumption.  Well, you soon learn that’s not the case.  If you touch the surrounding floor and don’t jump on the jutting piece of floor as you pass, you get crushed.  Then, two seconds later, there’s the same scenario with a similar protruding piece of flooring.  However, jumping on the protruding floor here triggers the crusher, punishing the player for using previously learned knowledge.

“Because fuck you!” -This Game

Though pretty funny, unfair deaths are typically hallmarks of bad game design, but LIMBO is easily forgiven because of its checkpoint system and lack of substantial consequences for dying.  And I cringe in thinking that someone would argue that these unfair deaths enforce the game’s theme.  Whether they do or not, it’s still bad design.  As a gamer, I like to test my skill, not my luck.  Gameplay should never be compromised in order to enhance the narrative.

Anyway, getting back to the above example, player stress is further alleviated moments later when you’re found running from some hostile boys who, presumably, set the crusher traps.  What do you do?  Run back through the traps so your aggressors get flattened.  It’s a freaking “Scooby Doo” gag!  Remember how the gang would set a trap only to have Shaggy and Scooby trigger it themselves and fuck everything up?  These dumb asses are Shaggy and Scooby, and it’s pretty damn hysterical.

Zoinks!

And the slapstick doesn’t stop there, folks!  The rest of the game feels like punchlines from a Wile E. Coyote cartoon.  You figure out how to open a path?  Great, just watch out for the falling tree!

I bet that was an ACME boulder.

Or how about the time you jumped from precarious peak to precarious peak, only to have a boulder – without warning – swing out of nowhere to kill you?

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.” -Mel Brooks

The game’s full of this goofy, atmosphere-ruining crap.  I know the developers wanted to create a harsh and brutal world where your demise could come at any moment without warning, but without any substantial consequence for dying, all these moments are less brutal and more hilarious and a little inconvenient.  I was cracking up the entire playthrough!  I’m pretty sure creating a comedy wasn’t the developers’ intent, what with all the child hangings and dismemberment.

Though sometimes child hanging can be both hilarious and adorable.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that LIMBO was a good player experience, yet a terrible game with little to no replayability, which is a big deal for me.  I can’t help but feel let down by its lack of tension.  I’m not saying there should be a Life/Continue system, but something to make death a threat would have added to the overall experience.

I feel that LIMBO is also a game that tries to get by on its style rather than its substance.  It’s all like, “Hey, look at how cool and haunting I look!  What do you think all this stuff even means?  Betcha can’t figure out the ending!”  And, even if there is a deeper meaning worth finding, all its symbolism and allegory are transactional and meaningless conjecture.  Without any concrete evidence from the game to support any theories, you really can’t find a definitive meaning.  So, analyze away, Internet!  With so much ambiguity, whether you think there’s profound meaning in the game or not, you’re right!

Thanks for Your Playing!  If I upset anyone by tearing into this gem, I’d like to say how sorry I am that you don’t play better games.  But I would like to hear what you all think!  Do you think a game’s narrative can stand on its own, or do you agree with me and think gameplay can have a profound effect on the storytelling?  Do you think a gameplay mechanic – LIMBO‘s decision to have very forgiving checkpoints – can undermine a game’s themes and tone, or do you think there’s player tension in the game despite the lack of consequences?  Should there be a separation of gameplay and narrative when discussing games as works of art?  Should I listen to my psychiatrist and stop laughing at child death?  Let me know in the comments!

Last month, I received my Megaman Classic 25th Anniversary Statue, and it was magnificent and life changing.  Today, I’d like to share the newest addition to my collection: The Megaman 25th Anniversary Statue!  I wish it had a better, more distinguishing name, but that’s what it’s called over at the Capcom Store, so there’s really nothing I can do about it, now is there?

This statue is heavy as hell, probably 10 lbs., and has both Megaman and Megaman X striking some pretty threatening battle poses.  Both Megaman and X are completely silver, symbolizing Megaman’s Silver Anniversary, no doubt.  It’s all right, but this statue would look so much better with color.  Regardless, I love it all the same!

Only 1,000 of these bad boys were created, and I feel pretty awesome having one on my shelf.  At the time of writing, they’re still available over at the Capcom Store.  If you’re interested and are a stone-cold badass, I’d suggest picking one up while supplies last.  I mean, what else are you going to spend your money on?  It’s not like Capcom’s actually going to make a game for the Blue Bomber or anything…

Anyway, let’s get to the meat of this post and take a look at this kick ass piece of gaming memorabilia!

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My assistant R.O.B. next to the statue’s box.

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The remaining sides of the box.  All in all, it’s a pretty cool box.

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The top.  According to my wife, I officially have more pictures of this box than of my children.  I’ve no regrets.

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R.O.B next to the my brilliant new statue!

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How inaccurate!  Megaman can’t crouch!  Good job, Crapcom!

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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

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X striking his fancy pose.

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Indentation on the base.

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There are only 1,000 of these getting made, and each statue is numbered.  I have 700.  You don’t understand how happy I am that my statue’s number is a nice, round number.  I’m a bit weird like that…

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The 2 recently released Megaman statues, side by side.

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R.O.B. is not impressed with your fancy pose.

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Thanks for Your Playing!  I hope you Megaman fans out there liked checking out my new statue!  I can’t convey with words how freaking excited I am to have 2 sweet-looking Megaman statues on my shelves!  And, considering I’m actually a bigger X fan, it’s great to have him on my shelf, too!  Make sure you guys tell me how utterly jealous you are in the comments!

I’ve always been an Atlus Faithful, and I’ve been getting anything Atlus develops or publishes for a long time. They always make quality games I have a lot of fun with.  It’s not uncommon for me to pick up their newest game and get lost in it for a few weeks.  Some call it an addiction; I call it devotion!

I’m a huge fan of the Etrian Odyssey series.  The games’ combination of dungeon crawling, character skill development, and map making craft a unique feel that I’ve only experienced in EO.  Recently, I’d downloaded the game’s demo from the 3DS eShop.  Obviously, it was as awesome as I’d hoped!  So, to celebrate the upcoming release, Etrian Odyssey Untold: The Millennium Girl, I’ve decided to make a poem about my favorite things in the series: F.O.E.s!  I hope you all like it!

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I had recently undergone a surgery that had me more or less bedridden for a while.  This was a planned surgery that went well, in case you were wondering.  Being that I knew the surgery was coming and that I’d require bed rest afterward, I knew I’d have to find something to fill the time to prevent myself from going insane and eating my pillows or whatever it is gun-less insane people do nowadays.  Thankfully, a certain cult classic for the SNES had recently (surprisingly and enthusiastically) hit the Wii U Virtual Console a couple months prior to my surgery date.  And, with its arrival to the West, I knew exactly what I was doing during my recovery.  With my plan set, I eagerly awaited my surgery just so I could have some time off work to take down this RPG classic once again.  Oh, and to recover from heart surgery, too, I guess.

Welcome to Earfbound!
Game: Earthbound

Console: SNES and Wii U Virtual Console

Developer: Ape & HAL Laboratory

Publisher: Nintendo

Release Year: 199X

Earthbound is a tough game to talk about for a couple of reasons: 1.) Everyone’s already talked about it, so being fresh and interesting is going to be difficult; and 2.) Much like the blue cultists of Happy Happyism, this game has an unhealthy and unprecedentedly vocal following that’s more than willing to destroy and besmirch any naysayers.  I’m sure kidnapping and electric-based violence isn’t below them, either.

I’m just kidding.  I’m sure Earthbound’s cult is perfectly normal.

But here I am talking about Earthbound anyway.  I’ve always liked this game, and I played it a lot as a kid despite never actually owning it.  I had a buddy who’d always let me borrow it because I was poor, living off child support and my grandma’s social security checks.  There was no way my grandma was shelling out $80 – $90 on a video game!  I remember my buddy’s mom putting it on layaway for a couple months before bringing it home.  Those two months were pretty excruciating for him.  He was an RPG fanatic and had been anticipating this game for a while.  I was indifferent; I thought the game looked stupid.  Listening to my friend rattle on about it, I didn’t get the appeal.  Why would I want to hit rats and bugs with baseball bats and yo-yos?  Swords and axes against dragons is much cooler!

Much cooler!

I was only in Fifth grade at the time, and I had only recently gotten into RPGs, my first being Final Fantasy II on the SNES and my second being Final Fantasy III.  I had certain expectations for RPGs, and Earthbound did not sound like it’d meet them.  Earthbound‘s graphics looked ridiculously outdated, the story didn’t sound epic, and the whole game just looked and sounded too goofy.  Having already played some of the best RPGs of the generation (and of all time, I might add), Earthbound looked too childish and sounded too sophomoric, even to an elementary school kid.

I’m too smart for this shit.

However, as we all know, kids are idiots and don’t know anything.  After sitting with my buddy and playing through Earthbound, I fell in love (with the game, not my buddy.  That would be gay and confusing for my wife).  It was cool to play a challenging, goofy, and fun RPG with semi-relatable characters in semi-relatable settings.  I played through it and beat it a couple times growing up, so I was really looking forward to playing it again as an adult.  So… is the game still good today?  Well, yes… mostly.

To the game’s credit, even after all these years I still remembered pretty much everything: the story, the characters, where to go, what to do.  The game’s just that memorable.  I also remembered a lot of the little things, like how the Mole monster at the second “Your Sanctuary” location is susceptible to paralysis and how the Runaway Five dance numbers are really stupid.

Oh, good.  I’m forced to watch this again.

I also remembered liking the game’s dialogue as a kid which, again, is more proof that kids are idiots.  Just about every bit of dialogue from NPCs is pointless bullshit about farts, 90′s slang, or out-of-date-even-then pop references.  It was funny when I was in Fifth grade, but now it’s incredibly annoying.  Why is it annoying?  I mean, you can just not talk to them, right?  Well, for the most part you can ignore them, but it’s not a good idea if you want to progress in the game.  Earthbound, despite its freshness and uniqueness, is quite traditional in structure and progressed much like its contemporaries, which is a euphemism for “tended to be confusing and petty as shit.” You see, Earthbound is a bit too Trigger Happy.

What’s “Trigger Happy?”  If you’ve ever created an RPG (good ol’ RPG Maker on the PSX), you’d know that RPGs are really just a series of Triggers and Events with stuff in between (or at least that’s how it feels when you make them).  For example, let’s say the Event is entering a tower.  You can’t enter the Tower of Phallus until you have the Key of Flaccidity, and you can only get the key after you’ve collected 5 Goblin Loincloths and traded them to the village pimp.  So basically, you have to kill goblins until you get 5 Goblin Loincloths [Trigger 1], then you have to talk to the village pimp to get the key [Trigger 2], and then you have to go to the Tower to unlock the door [Trigger 3].  If you don’t set off those 3 Triggers in that order, the Tower will be inaccessible.

And nobody wants their tower inaccessible.  Am I right, fellas?

That was a pretty practical and common example of a Fetch Quest.  Earthbound, on the other hand, is not so straight forward with its Triggers.  Some of the things you have to do in order to trigger certain events can be pretty random, out of the way, too picky, or all of the above.  Sometimes you have to talk to a random NPC before something can happen, like talking to the benign, shy guy-looking dude in Happy Happy Village before being able to save Paula, or having to speak with Paula’s dad before you can speak with Everdred to get the Wad of Bills that you need to give to the Runaway Five’s manager to pay off their debt so they can take you to Threed.  If you don’t do it in that precise order, you’ll not progress.

I think the worst Event/Trigger situation has to be getting the Pencil Eraser.  You have to feed Apple Kid, go through a cave to see the Pencil Statue, search the statue, go back through the cave, get a phone call, get the Pencil Eraser, and then go all the way back to erase the Pencil.  It’s just kind of a pain in the ass.  Why do I have to Trigger the Event by searching the Pencil Statue?  If you didn’t know that would trigger the event, you wouldn’t think of doing it.  And let’s not forget that you have to feed Apple Kid first.  Searching the Pencil won’t trigger anything if you haven’t hit the “Feed Apple Kid” Trigger yet.

And please, game, never explain why he has an apple for a head.

There’s plenty more examples of Earthbound being Trigger Happy, but I don’t want to bore you.  I can confidently say that all this random and overly precise Trigger/Event crap is probably what preempted Nintendo to include the Player’s Guide with the game, ultimately upping the price and dooming the game’s commercial success, some theorize.  But without the guide, I probably would have given up on this game as a kid.  It makes me happy Nintendo made a free digital version for all to enjoy.

Seriously, what was up with this game’s marketing?

I guess I should stop being an asshole and talk about why the game’s great, because it is and I freaking love it!  First off, I love a challenge, and this game is hard!  Especially when you first start it up.  It seems like you go through the first half of the game with only one character, though that’s not the case.  It only feels like it because you’re alone for so long and the game is relentlessly difficult.  You’ll probably die a lot in the beginning, especially because the Sharks keep calling for help like a bunch of pussies!

I’ll beat you like a crazy gynecologist!

But once you get into the game, it’s actually not too difficult, though it’s never easy.  The dungeons will remind you of that.  Relatively short and mostly linear, the dungeons keep you on your toes by being full of incredibly overpowered enemies.  It’s not uncommon to get so far into a dungeon and get your ass handed to you, only so you can start over and get a little further the next run.  There’s a certain satisfaction to be had with this process, and I enjoyed it.  Though, I was always a little stressed while exploring, knowing I could be taken out by some random enemy and their stupid mushroom status effect.

This is where “rage quitting” began.

After a certain point, the game actually gets incredibly easy.  I almost always had over $100,000 in my account at all times, and the bosses and dungeons became cake.  So when does the game decide to get easier?  When you get the Man himself in your party: Jeffery Andonuts!

The only thing that could make Jeff look more suave is the Golden Gun itself.

I used to get shit back in the day for liking Jeff.  I actually had somebody tell me he sucked because he had no PSI powers.  True, but you know what he does have?  Brains!  And Multi Bottle Rockets!  These beauties take about 1500 HP away from a single enemy, effectively exploding most bosses in a single hit!  Nobody else even comes close to dealing out that much pain to a single enemy!  He also has an infinitely reusable Heavy Bazooka, laser guns, and other nasty toys to murder with.  And he makes all these IN HIS SLEEP!

Well, while others slept…

But having one of my favorite playable RPG characters of all time isn’t the only thing Earthbound has going for it.  This game is – and I hate to use it, but it’s pretty much THE go-to adjective everyone inevitably uses when talking about this game – “quirky.”  I think people use that word because “weird” has a negative connotation to it, but this game’s freaking weird.  Ness gets homesick (the lamest status effect in RPG history); you can throw dirty socks to paralyze enemies; you fight piles of puke and hippies and road signs; and Mr. Saturns.  Just Mr. Saturns.

Please, game, don’t ever explain these things either!

The game’s music runs an eclectic gamut, easily transitioning from weird to dark to light to fun to plagiarized… I mean, sampled.  The music elicits so much from the player and adds so much to the experience.  The graphics are cartoony, and the enemy designs range from goofy to Straight-Out-of-Cthulu’s-Ass creepy.  Battles are Dragon Quest-esque with static enemies against acid-trip backgrounds.

I know you just met, but, judging by the background, you’ve already spent too much time together.

Though the battle system isn’t anything new, Earthbound did innovate by representing HP with a rolling counter.  Basically, if you get killed your HP will roll down, and you’ll stay alive as long as it doesn’t hit zero.  This provides the opportunity to save people by either healing them or beating the battle before they hit zero.  This has led to some pretty intense and fist-pumping moments.  It really makes you want to keep fighting just to see if you can cheat death!

And how could I talk about battles without talking about leveling up?  Leveling up in Earthbound has always been strange.  Of course it’s standard RPG fair with the fighting and the experience getting and whatnot, but it’s the actual leveling up that’s odd.  There are times when you level up and get 1 HP and 1 PP (this game’s equivalent to MP), and then there are times you get 100 HP and 30 PP.  It’s not bad, just odd.  It does keep things interesting.  I’d always get really excited when I got a “good” level and get bummed when I got a “weak” level.  Plus, “good” levels were always accompanied with 90′s slang: “Oh, baby!”; “Sweet!”; and “That rocks!”  That way we knew it was a good level.  Because we 90′s kids only cared about things if some ‘tude was tacked on.

Or if it was associated with Nickelodeon.

To finish talking about the game’s quirkiness, I guess I should mention the plot, which is, by and large, very quirky.  Superficially, Earthbound‘s about a boy and his friends fulfilling a prophecy about thwarting a cosmic evil blah blah blah power, wisdom and courage, and the princess is in another castle.  You get the point.

I guess what I’m really saying is the plot really isn’t that weird; it’s all the crap that happens along the way that is.  Sure, time travel, alien invasions and abductions, and worlds of illusion brought on by mysterious artifacts are old hat, but it’s fresh in Earthbound.  Modern settings, psychic powers, and mundane items with epic qualities (eating a hamburger in real life usually puts you closer to death) make Earthbound a unique and fun place to play in.  The lightheartedness of the writing, though annoying at times, does add a lot to the games tone, and I can appreciate that.

Also, dinosaurs.

Another important thing to know and love about Earthbound is that it doesn’t mind not taking itself seriously.  It loves to break the fourth wall, flip some RPG conventions upside down, and just be as goofy and weird as humanly possible.  But that’s not to say Earthbound doesn’t take itself seriously, too.  There are some genuinely emotional and thought-provoking events that happen throughout Ness’s journey, and the subjects of Nostalgia and Losing Innocence are represented well and in a (mostly) mature manner.  Earthbound‘s tonal fluidity – seamlessly transitioning from silly to serious – is something that not too many games are able to pull off while still being good or, at the very least, worth playing.

Earthbound is one of those rare games that’s fun to play and experience.  Obviously, I highly recommend Earthbound to RPG fans.  It doesn’t deviate too much from the genre’s traditional mold, and some aspects of the game are painfully archaic (its Trigger Happy Progression style and the Menu/Inventory screens can suck it!), but it’s still damn fun and has a style distinctly its own.  The only thing I have left to say is I GOT THE FUCKING SWORD OF KINGS, BABY!

I was so excited, I took the picture upside down.  That’s pain killers for ya.

Since I had days to myself, I was going to do nothing but try to get this freaking weapon.  I spent countless hours as a kid trying to get the Starman Super to drop this thing.  Those were hours I could have spent mastering an instrument or playing a sport.  But instead I wasted them on trying to get this stupid video game weapon.  And “wasted” is the perfect word, because I never got it!  Hours and hours and days and days of trying to get the only weapon for Poo never coming to fruition!  But this time, I was ready.  I was willing to do whatever it took to get this sword, even if it took me my entire recovery time, 24/7!  I steeled myself, started my journey for the sword at 3:15 p.m., and obtained the Sword of Kings at… 3:18p.m.!!!  WHAT THE HELL!  I wasted all that time as a kid, and now I get it in just 3 MINUTES!!!!!  GODDAMMIT, NINTENDO!  You owe me one childhood!

Oh, I’d only waste it anyway.

Thanks for Your Playing!  For those who’ve stuck around and read this whole thing, you may have noticed a glaring omission.  Don’t you worry; I’ll talk about him next week…  Until then, what do you guys think about Earthbound, vets and n00bs alike? For the n00bs, was it everything you expected, considering the hype?  Let me know in the comments!